Chapter 4 – The basics

As beginners, the formula we use to practice and integrate PEQ is nearly identical to the NVC formula of OFNR; observation, feeling, need, and request.

Credit
The lists of feelings and needs in this chapter come from https://cnvc.org.
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Email: cnvc@cnvc.org Phone: +1.505-244-4041

First, let's break down each part of the NVC formula so we can understand the super massively amazing genius of how and why Dr. Marshall Rosenberg chose these actions and their order.

Observation

"The ability to observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence." ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti, Indian Philosopher

We begin with an objective description of what happened or what is perceived, as if from the perspective of a video camera. No exaggeration or hyperbole.

Why is this useful?

• Learning to separate what is from our interpretation and evaluation of what is.
• Showing the other person that we are listening closely.
• Giving the other person a chance to challenge our perception of what is or was.
• A stepping-stone to guessing the feeling, which is the next step.

Observation vs Evaluation

Evaluation is judgment or interpretation and it can be prone to error. Observation is an attempt to be objective; to separate what happened from our interpretation of what happened.

Examples:

• Evaluation: George was rude and obnoxious.

• Observation: George said I was lying and stealing.

• Evaluation: A jerk cut me off on the highway!

• Observation: Some guy drove his car in front of mine on the highway.

• Evaluation: Sue is lazy.

• Observation: Sue admitted to cheating on her diet.

• Evaluation: Timmy acted unreasonable and greedy.

• Observation: Timmy said he won’t pay for my service.

• Evaluation: Margie is manipulative and dishonest.

• Observation: I caught Margie lying three times in one meeting.

A clue: Most any time you hear a form of “to be” (think “is,” “are,” “was,” etc.), the word will usually be followed by an evaluation.

Why do we practice stating the observation first? A few reasons, including:
(a) Showing we are listening.
(b) Pushing ourselves to listen carefully.
(c) Checking with the other person to find if we “get” the situation.
(d) Once we have an observation in mind, having attempted to imagine the situation from the perspective of the other person, it becomes much easier to guess at their feeling(s).

Feelings

Much like the observation leads us to the feeling(s), knowing the feeling(s) can make it easier to guess at their need(s).

Feelings when your needs are satisfied

AFFECTIONATE
compassionate
friendly
loving
open hearted
sympathetic
tender
warm

ENGAGED
absorbed
alert
curious
engrossed
enchanted
entranced
fascinated
interested
intrigued
involved
spellbound
stimulated

HOPEFUL
expectant
encouraged
optimistic
CONFIDENT
empowered
open
proud
safe
secure

EXCITED
amazed
animated
ardent
aroused
astonished
dazzled
eager
energetic
enthusiastic
giddy
invigorated
lively
passionate
surprised
vibrant
GRATEFUL
appreciative
moved
thankful
touched

INSPIRED
amazed
awed
wondered

JOYFUL
amused
delighted
glad
happy
jubilant
pleased
tickled

EXHILARATED
blissful
ecstatic
elated
enthralled
exuberant
radiant
rapturous
thrilled
PEACEFUL
calm
clear headed
comfortable
centered
content
equanimous
fulfilled
mellow
quiet
relaxed
relieved
satisfied
serene
still
tranquil
trusting

REFRESHED
enlivened
rejuvenated
renewed
rested
restored
revived

Feelings when your needs are not satisfied

AFRAID
apprehensive
dread
foreboding
frightened
mistrustful
panicked
petrified
scared
suspicious
terrified
wary
worried

ANNOYED
aggravated
dismayed
disgruntled
displeased
exasperated
frustrated
impatient
irritated
irked

ANGRY
enraged
furious
incensed
indignant
irate
livid
outraged
resentful

AVERSION
animosity
appalled
contempt
disgusted
dislike
hate
horrified
hostile
repulsed
CONFUSED
ambivalent
baffled
bewildered
dazed
hesitant
lost
mystified
perplexed
puzzled
torn

DISCONNECTED
alienated
aloof
apathetic
bored
cold
detached
distant
distracted
indifferent
numb
removed
uninterested
withdrawn

DISQUIET
agitated
alarmed
discombobulated
disconcerted
disturbed
perturbed
rattled
restless
shocked
startled
surprised
troubled
turbulent
turmoil
uncomfortable
uneasy
unnerved
unsettled
upset
EMBARRASSED
ashamed
chagrined
flustered
guilty
mortified
self-conscious

FATIGUE
beat
burnt out
depleted
exhausted
lethargic
listless
sleepy
tired
weary
worn out

PAIN
agony
anguished
bereaved
devastated
grief
heartbroken
hurt
lonely
miserable
regretful
remorseful

SAD
depressed
dejected
despair
despondent
disappointed
discouraged
disheartened
forlorn
gloomy
heavy hearted
hopeless
melancholy
unhappy
wretched
TENSE
anxious
cranky
distressed
distraught
edgy
fidgety
frazzled
irritable
jittery
nervous
overwhelmed
restless
stressed out

VULNERABLE
fragile
guarded
helpless
insecure
leery
reserved
sensitive
shaky

YEARNING
envious
jealous
longing
nostalgic
pining
wistful

Why do we practice placing the feeling(s) second in our empathy guess? A few reasons, including:
(a) We do not want to tell a person how to feel.
(b) When we imagine the feeling, it becomes easier to guess at the underlying need, value, want, or motive.

Needs

(Values / Wants / Motives)

NVC uses "needs" to describe that which underlies our feelings and the actions we take in life. Later we'll talk about why - in Practical Empathy - we encourage - when not talking to an "NVC person" to call them "wants" and "values" instead of "needs."

Note: NVC needs differ some from Maslow's needs, with some overlap.

CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect
CONNECTION continued
safety
security
stability
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and
be understood
trust
warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water
HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence

PLAY
joy
humor

PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order

AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity
MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding

PEQ needs might be expressed as follows:

"I'm feeling sad and lonely because my need for connection is not getting met."

"I'm feeling excited because my need for mental stimulation is getting met."

"I'm feeling satisfied because my need for recognition was met."

These are examples of what I call "clinical NVC." It is useful to employ this form when alone or practicing in a group that has the intention to use the clinical form with the goal being to integrate the principles and root out errors so that we eventually sound more natural.

How would those three examples sound if spoken by a "pro" using what I call "street NVC"?

Clinical: "I'm feeling sad and lonely because my need for connection is not getting met."
Street: "I'm sad and lonely right now because I want more connection."

Clinical: "I'm feeling excited because my need for mental stimulation is getting met."
Street: "This mental stimulation is exciting for me!"

Clinical: "I'm feeling satisfied because my need for recognition was met."
Street: "That recognition was satisfying to hear."

More examples
This time using the entire “observation – feeling – need – request” formula:

Clinical: "When you chew with your mouth open, I feel disgust and annoyance because I need more health and consideration. Would you be willing to work on chewing with your mouth closed?"
Street: "Noticing you chewing with your mouth open, I’m disgusted and want more consideration."

Notice how - when translating to "street empathy" - we moved away from using the word "need"?

Finally, there is more to “street” empathy than you see here. In the next chapter, Sounding natural, we discuss more on this topic.

How do we figure out if a word represents a need or not?

At some point this process may become intuitive for you. Until then, here are a few “soft rules” to go by:
• Is this a verb or action? For example, “I need you to get me a pony” is actually a need for what a person gets or what value is met by having a pony. These needs/values might actually be nurturing, play, adventure, etc. One clue, as you see above, is if a sentence begins with “I need you to…” Notice how that statement begins a shift in responsibility from the speaker to the listener? In PEQ we call this a strategy to get needs met. It’s a common mistake with beginners to confuse strategies with needs.
• Is it an object? Example: _____________________
• Is there already an established need/value that underlies this concept? For example, “I need quiet”. The need or value here might actually be consideration, harmony, peace, or rest. The strategy is “quiet”, which hopefully, leads to one of those needs getting met.

Issues with NVC-style “needs” and a solution

The word "needs" is not used in NVC the same way people commonly use the word.

In the 16+ years of studying and 15+ years of teaching NVC (as of 2021), the single biggest issue I've had with the system is how "unnatural" it can sound when used outside of the classroom or when speaking to Moonites. There are many reasons for this. For one thing, the primary NVC book by Marshall Rosenberg doesn't really address how to sound natural with NVC. I'm not blaming him. Far from it. I am in awe of him and his planet-sized brain. I can certainly understand his reasons. Foremost, I can only guess, could be the following: When seeking to move away from an old paradigm (domination culture), it may be necessary or even desirable to introduce some discomfort.

That said, I value the ease, understanding, and shared reality of speaking with people in their own language.

I've experimented with and brainstormed on ways to increase how natural we can sound while staying 100% true to the NVC principles.

While I want to focus on what I see as the one most important and easy thing people can do to "naturalize" their NVC, I'll first mention a more obvious issue that contributes to people using NVC in a way that does not get the results they want.

When people read only the first half of the book or read the entire book and only remember how to do what I call "self-empathy out loud."

It looks like this:

"When I got home and saw those dishes in the sink, I felt tired and disgusted. I need more consideration. Would you be willing to clean the dishes?"

First, what is "good" about this? Well, it's a heck of a lot better than a punch in the face, quietly fuming, giving hints, or secretly/subtly punishing the other person.

Many are attracted to this newfound "permission" they feel to express their feelings and needs. Yay! This is seriously a big deal, given the amount of repression-of-our-expression the average person experiences!

That said, if they never go further than that, they don't get to what I consider the really juicy and transformative practice; "empathy for other." Here's an example:

"When I got home and saw those dishes in the sink, I wondered if you had a pretty overwhelming day and are wanting some ease and rest?"

Back to the primary point about the word "needs," as used in NVC.

The solution I've picked coincides with the creation of a new version of my empathy practice card game, http://PlayToEvolve.com.

My goal was to widen the age range of who can play the game. The old version worked for approximately 10 years old minimum to "get" most of the questions, etc. New version is more easily playable for children under that age and even easier for adults to "get." Younger people may need some adult guidance the first time. See how "need" was used in that last sentence, synonymous with "required"?

Which brings me to a change I've made in the game and my future materials is to use "wants" or "values" in place of "needs". As we transition and I imagine many coming our way through practice of NVC, I'll often say "wants / needs / values". Why?

Reason 1: Jargon; commonly understood definitions matter
Compare the two following phrases:
"Are you hurting because you need more consideration?"
vs
"Are you hurting because you wanted more consideration?"

NVC has taken the word "need" and tweaked its meaning so that it's more about want or desire than an actual "must have in order to survive". If we are seeking to connect with people, instead of activating their defenses, why would we say something to them that they may interpret as "Oh are you calling me needy?"

Reason 2: Request vs demand
The fourth component of the "NVC formula" is "Positive do-able request." The author makes it quite clear that we only want people to do things out of a sincere desire to increase joy for all involved, not out of obligation, guilt, shame, etc.

So if I want to convey to another person that I'm okay receiving a "no" because my request is NOT a demand in disguise, am I better off using which of the following?

"I'm feeling lonely because I have a need for connection..."
vs
"I'm feeling lonely because I want some connection..."
or
"I'm feeling lonely because I value connection..."

Now the trained NVC person or the person that knows you super well won't care which word you use. That said, I'd rather speak in a way that does not require the other person to have special knowledge.

So what is wrong with the first phrase, in terms of speaking to the average person?

Most important to me is that the other person know I can live without them saying yes to my request and that they know I have only hope - NOT expectation - that they say yes. To me, there is a difference between "need" and "want," where "need" conveys more of a sense of "this is required."

"What if they are the only person who can fulfill that need for you?"

NVC teaches us that needs are not person specific. I maintain that they rarely are. In other words - typically - you can fulfill your own needs or find another person who has more desire to.

Reason 3: Efficiency and ease in learning
Over the years I've spent quite a bit of time training children and beginners in the use of NVC. The distinction between "NVC needs" and "the common use of the word needs" comes up in every class and most of my weekly workgroups. Why add confusion to something that is already difficult for some to understand and integrate? I prefer making it as easy as possible without losing the underlying principles.

Conclusion about "needs"
For the rest of this book, except for when referring to NVC or being highly clinical, I'll be using the terms "values," "wants," and "needs" interchangeably.

Request
“Positive do-able request”

Practical Empathy (PEQ) teaches us to offer a "positive do-able request" once we have shared our observation, feeling(s) and need(s). “Would you be willing to…” is one way to phrase our request. Before we dive in, I want to point out a very important distinction:

Requests are very not demands, nor should they be confused for demands.

As we mentioned in the chapter on principles, we recognize the importance of wanting people to do only what they want to do. So we do not command or manipulate. We state our feelings and needs and we make a request. I recommend you pay attention to your body language and tone of voice as you make your request, so that you whole being is clearly expressing a question and you are okay with receiving refusal.

A line I remember from the NVC book goes something like, “When you push someone to do something against their will, they may give in, but they will make sure you pay a price at some point.”

Asking for what we want

We build courage around asking for what we want in a compassionate way by practicing the hard questions. PEQ helps us have more confidence in asking the hard questions because:
(a) It shows us how important those questions are.
(b) It shows us ways to ask those questions that are less likely to bring up defensiveness.
(c) Provides us with methods for addressing defensiveness, if it comes up.

Is PEQ-style empathy “boxing people in”?

I’ve heard people ask this about PEQ’s approach to empathy, where we guess feelings and needs, rather than asking open ended questions.

If you ask a person, "Why did you do that?" or “How do you feel about that?” you are allowing the person to start with a 'blank slate', meaning the many choices that might come to their minds, as opposed to guessing their feelings and needs out loud, which might predispose them to limit their choices to those that relate to the feelings and needs you guessed. That’s the generous interpretation.

I’ve also heard assertions like, “The feelings and needs guessing approach pushes people to feel and need what you want them to, so it is manipulative.”

Let’s empathize with that. They probably value truth, choice, and nurturing. They understand that people can often be “people pleasers,” who will sometimes agree or “go along,” even if they have some disagreement or desire for another path. Or maybe they are seeking ease?

The benefits of guessing feelings and needs, provided our tone and body language says we are just guessing and we want correction, outweigh the more open-ended questions.

Some of those benefits:

Increase of collaboration. Digging deeper and showing a sincere desire to be corrected can increase connection and trust.

Courage. By making the guess, where we may be wrong or embarrassed, we are practicing taking a risk, which increases our overall courage and ease in speaking the hard truths later.

Consideration. The recipient’s need for consideration may get met by hearing you take the time and effort to guess at their feelings and needs.

Depth. Assuming our vocabulary for feelings and needs is more than just “glad, sad, comfort, and respect,” we may be introducing added depth to the conversation.

Accuracy. By asking deeper questions, we will usually gain more fine-tuned understanding of the other person’s perspective.

Awareness. Potential for increasing their own awareness of their own feelings & needs.

Thank you for reading! Much love!