Let's begin by talking about the following two statements:
“For Peace, Keep Your Mouth Shut.”
"A wise man once said... nothing. He let her vent and then they had sex afterwards."
I see some possible wisdom... and a big problem with the message of the quote derived from those aphorisms.
If the idea in that moment is for a person to deeply listen with empathy instead of evaluation, defensiveness, or advice, then yay, I totally support the practice!
However, if the idea is to stay silent in order to keep the peace or worries about damaging the relationship, by hiding disagreement, I see this as a recipe for potential short–term peace and long–term disaster.
How?
The idea of staying silent might play into or come from the assumption that there is no way to empathetically express disagreement. That idea is dangerous for multiple reasons:
- If done often, this can build and reinforce a habit to favor comfort, safety, and harmony over authenticity.
- Getting used to receiving very little negative feedback can create fragility and/or expectations that may exaggerate the impact of any negative feedback that will eventually come.
- Which can lead to a building up of resentment that will eventually come out as anger, violence, or possibly even more insidious, subtle or slow loss of respect and increase in feelings of content for the partner.
Note: The negative consequences above can apply to both the person “holding back” their truth and to their mate who rarely encounters boundaries.
“We never argue or disagree”
That might be a signal the couple is in perfect loving sweet accepting harmony or it might be an indicator there are one or two volcanoes slowly building up pressure to explode. Or maybe they are expert at holding it in or dealing with things internally? Maybe they have both attained a certain zen. It happens! If it’s more hidden than processed, please consider how these behaviors influence those observing, like for example, if the couple has children. Do we want to send a message to children that they can not or should not express “those ugly or dangerous” emotions, as if they can not be expressed in a healthy way? More on this in the “Parents and Teachers” chapter.
Expressing disagreement
Newsflash: There are more options than yes and no. We are going to focus on “no” here, but in a way where our disagreement comes from a place of understanding.
An example
“Hey Honeybuns, are you really wanting me to come with you to play cards with the gang because you want play and connection?”
Response: “Yes! I like playing games and I also enjoy growing closer to our friends.”
“Thanks. It does sound fun. I’m really in need of some peace tonight and wondering if you would be up for going by yourself or taking someone else?”
Another example
“Is it important to you that I believe in astrology the way you do because you value understanding and meaning?”
Response: “Some. Not so much meaning, but definitely understanding. I like to understand personalities and motivation.”
“I get that curiosity! For me it gets fed through my study and practice of Practical Empathy. Because I too value understanding, I prefer to understand a person’s motives moment-to-moment, as seems to be more in line with PEQ practice, rather than the more generalized approach provided by astrology. What are your thoughts on that?”
More on this in later chapters, including the one on politics.
Dealing with jealousy
Example
"You sonofabitch! I saw you looking at that waitress' butt as she walked away!"
Defensive or "give in" response: "You are right. I'm so sorry. I'll never look at another woman again!"
Aggressive response: “Well if you would lay off the sweets and get off your ass, I’d be checking out your butt!”
Empathetic response: "Are you pissed off because you want more consideration and respect?"
Or we can take a route where we put off guessing the value/need until they have replied to the feeling. We could also choose to add the observation part like so:
“When you saw me looking at that woman, did you get angry and embarrassed because of how it appears to our friends when I’m looking at other women?”
This response might get a "yes" or a correction that helps us understand her better:
"You are right that I'm pissed off. And yes some consideration and respect but more like I want you to appreciate me more."
Do you see here what genuine empathy can reveal and heal?
Giving your lover an out
What is an “out”? I’m referring to providing them with an easy path to telling you a hard truth. Many – if not most – of us have a certain amount of desire to “people please”. Often when faced with sharing something with those close to us, we choose to be less than fully authentic in order to protect their feelings and/or preserve harmony. As you may suspect, this can lead to resentment that will come out at some point and – ironically – damage the relationship.
Because of this very human way, it can be difficult to get your mate to share “hard truths” with you, even when you genuinely want to know. This is where “giving them an out” comes in. This is where your practice of PEQ style empathy increasing your courage and imagination can come in handy.
I’ll demonstrate through a real world example I had while talking to a landlord when I lived in Mexico. Often, when Albert visited to collect rent or address an issue, he would complain about how his wife treated him. After hearing this a few times, I had formed what seemed like a clear picture in my mind of what was going on.
So one day I asked him, “Albert, I hear how painful it is for you to be in this situation with your wife! Would you say you want more harmony in your relationship?”
His reply was, “Yes! I would give anything to have peace with her but the attacks are increasing and for smaller and smaller reasons!” He was nearly in tears.
So I said, “Albert. I have an idea that could help. Are you up for hearing it?”
“Yes!”
“OK. What if you said something like this to her: Darling (or whatever you call her). Remember when we first met and I was competing with Jose for your time? (pause for her to answer) I remember the joy I felt when I finally won your love. Now I wonder, though. You had dreams of going to University to learn and grow. But then you became pregnant with my child and all your dreams were put aside, along with Jose. I can only imagine how crushing that may have felt for you and I’ve never acknowledged that. And now your days are filled with taking care of the baby while I’m out all day. It makes sense that you would have resentment and anger about this situation. From your perspective, I ruined your dreams! No wonder you are angry! I want you to know that I would do anything for you, including letting you go if it would increase your happiness. I’m not trying to push you away, either! I still believe there is a chance we can get through this, especially if we are honest with each other. And at the same time I want you to look deeply into your heart and ask yourself if a break from this way of living would increase your happiness. And if these solutions seem drastic, I’m sure we can find something in the middle that will work, like a trial separation where you live with your mother while we figure things out. If that seems attractive to you, then please tell me. Yes, I will feel hurt but I will recover and live through it.”
Do you see the “out” he is giving her in that statement above? He’s choosing the worst case scenario and letting her know he is strong enough to handle her admitting it. I wonder how many mates hold resentments over crushed dreams bottled up inside for years!
Ideally, the conversation would flow a bit more with him pausing many times to allow her to comment. I condensed it here so you can get the full impact all at once. Also, I wasn’t present when he brought it up with her. And yes, she asked for a separation. I’m no longer in Mexico but I have stayed in touch, loosely. Albert tells me they are both more happy and actually working on building a relationship again.
Relationship maintenance
Emotional bank account
I once heard someone use the term “emotional bank account” to describe the way one might look at how good will between mates can fluctuate and how it is advisable to make “deposits” to your shared emotional bank account, which can build trust, respect, good will, and even attraction.
When your relationship faces inevitable challenges, having a positive balance in your emotional bank account will be preferable.
What if you are a dual income home and you lose your job? What if you get in an accident and lose use of half your body? What if you get cancer? What if they catch you being romantic with a dolphin? You better have a large “savings” in that emotional bank account!
The following acts are best done at a time when you have no requests or “buts”. Adding a request will usually cheapen or reduce the authenticity of your gift.
What needs do they meet?
Regularly share with your mate the needs they meet for you.
“Hey lover, I want you to know some of the needs you often meet for me. Support. Mental and visual stimulation. Beauty. Sexual gratification and expression. Touch. Being understood.”
You could then choose to ask them how hearing that impacted them. Or not. The tears in their eyes may be enough.
Random acts
Tailor the act to their preferences! A gift that you would enjoy more than they do is not a gift that will add to the emotional bank account. Does your mate prefer gifts, experiences, time with you, or acts of service? Yes, here I’m drawing heavily from a book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Unless the act is a surprise, consider involving your mate in the decision. I hear all too often of a person intending to create pleasure, but the response they received was the opposite because they made too many assumptions.
“Hey honey I planned a trip for us to the Bahamas! We leave Thursday.”
“I got you this great upgrade for my computer!”
“Isn’t the puppy cute? He is yours. Surprise!”
Along the lines of gifting them with service, you could cook them a meal, do a chore they usually do, or something else that shows you think and care about their happiness as they move through life’s various challenges.
Do not ask for gratitude or criticize their response
Remember when I advised not making a request? It’s important. Along these lines is you having any expectation of reward, whether it be a smile, verbal gratitude, a reciprocal gift, or service. Any of that will reduce the value of your gift, turning it into more of a request for trade. This kind of behavior is the cause of the cliché that goes like, “Uhm thanks… what do you want now?”
Instead, empathize with their response, but only if they say something that seems to require a response from you.
“I see the look on your face and I am a bit worried you might have wanted something different?”
“Noticing your response, I wonder if you may have preferred a different sauce?”
Not: “Oh great I try to be thoughtful, put in all that work, and you nitpick how I did it. That’s the last time I trim your hair while you sleep!”
Respect
When lost between mates, respect can be difficult or sometimes even impossible to regain. And without mutual respect, there isn’t much that can save the relationship.
What are some ways we can lose the respect of our mate?
Losing respect for ourselves
Are you neglecting your emotional, psychological, physiological, or financial health? How do you treat yourself? How do you speak to yourself inside your head and out loud? Do you have purpose and meaning in your life?
The way we treat others*
How do you treat service workers? How do you treat children? How do you treat the elderly? Your relatives? Animals? Inanimate objects? All of this behavior reflects on you and ultimately, how you think of yourself.
The way we treat our mate*
Finally, treating our mate without respect is a recipe for reducing their respect for you.
Remember that old adage some call “the Golden Rule” that goes something like, “Treat others how you would be treated”? Guess what? I don’t agree with this. It seems to assume that we are all the same. The truth is that we all have different ways we like to be treated. This is dependent on many factors, including our upbringing, personality, mood, the person we are interacting with, and the context of the moment.
So no, I’m not necessarily going to treat you how I like to be treated. I’m going to attempt to treat you how you want to be treated. How do we know how others want to be treated? We ask and listen! We guess! We use empathy.
Spine
How much do you do at the request of your mate that you do not want to do? Why? Is your need for fairness met? Do you speak up? Do you stay silent because you value peace and do not see a harmonious “safe” way to share your disagreement or concern? Remember the “Expressing disagreement” section above? Good. My point? Allowing or feeding imbalance in a relationship will surely lead to a reduction in respect and potentially create resentment and contempt.
The following chapter on roommates will have some relationship tips that has some overlap with live–in romantic relationships and some new ideas for both types of relationship.