"Using empathy in crucial conversations without sounding like a mystic, psychiatrist, or predator"
"I can see some benefits of using PEQ but I don't want to talk in a way that sounds weird or scripted, which may come across as inauthentic."
This is a concern I sometimes hear from people interested in empathetic communication and wanting to be sure they are investing their time in a process that will truly improve their communication.
Here I'm borrowing some from Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication:
First, I want to make a distinction between what is natural and what is habitual. PEQ teaches that it is natural for us to connect in a way that reveals our feelings and needs/wants/values while wishing to know and understand the feelings and wants of others.
"I want to take my time: to come from an energy I choose rather than one I've been programmed to come from." ~ Marshall B. Rosenberg
Second, the intended goal of PEQ is not to speak in a formulaic manner. The goal is to use the formula to train our brains to more often empathize automatically. As we get more comfortable with listening and speaking from a place of empathy, our language will naturally reflect this. We may still sound a little different, depending on the situation, but more often than not, the people we are communicating with will feel deeply heard and understood.
Question from a friend
A buddy shared with me, "I'm just over half way through the NVC book. I see how this stuff can be used in very specific situations but not often and definitely not all the time."
I asked, "Are you thinking that when you try to translate your thoughts into an empathetic format, it slows you down and you come across as inauthentic or just plain weird?"
He replied, "Yes!"
I asked, "Are you up for some push back on this?"
He said, "Sure!"
"What if it is the opposite? What if - when you are a beginner - you were to use it in all but crucial situations. What do you think of that?"
He replied, "I thought the system's primary purpose is for difficult situations. Sounds like you are saying the opposite."
"Oh I agree that a powerful way it can be used is in scenarios where emotions might run high, so it seems like a contradiction, eh?”
He nods his head so I continue, “In my experience, those are the times when inexpert use of empathy can actually make matters worse because we may come across to the other person as being inauthentic, boring, nosy, 'too deep,' 'woowoo,' or manipulative."
He looked at me, "I'm confused now."
"I get it. Does it sound like I'm telling you this system you are studying isn't as practical as you thought it might be?"
"Sort of. Are you?"
I continued, "Sometimes. More like yes it is practical and useful in most, if not all, situations with the following caveats for when using PEQ in high risk situations:
• Don't try to use the entire formula all at once. Instead of, "Oh when you saw the gauge show the engine temperature was in the red, did you feel worried about your car breaking down because you value autonomy?" I advocate breaking it up into pieces and starting slow, like, "Oh was it worrying to see that gauge in the red?" and wait for a response. This sounds much more natural, less invasive, and yay, requires less words. Their response will make it much easier to then go into deeper empathy, if appropriate for the person, their response, mood, and situation.
• Don't use the word "needs." Use "wants," "values," or even "motives." More on this later.
• If you are inexpert with this system and still want to use it, you can warn the other person and ask their permission like so: "Hey I'm practicing a new way of communicating with more authenticity and empathy that I'd like to try out with you right now. Are you up for that?" or "I really value our friendship and I worry that my typical mode of communication could make things worse. Are you up for me trying something different that might sound kind of dorky?"
An analogy that may help
In my Kung Fu school we would spend much of our time practicing "forms". These are like dances we do in synchronicity with others, alone, or even in our heads. Forms have a set number of exact moves to be done in a specific order. As we do these moves, we are training our minds and nervous systems. When doing the forms, especially in the beginning, we are quite self-controlled and may not appear very fluid. Definitely not spontaneous. But when we "spar" or play free form, benefits of having practiced the forms influences our movements to be more fluid, efficient, powerful, and accurate.
Another analogy would be learning to play piano you first learn notes and chords; structures. Practicing with these structures integrates them so that you can be more creative. You get the point.
This is what PEQ is for me; a tool to train my mind and heart so when I'm interacting with people, I'm automatically empathetic in a fluid, spontaneous, and authentic way. Give me forty more years of practice and I'll be perfect at this!
A few examples of how something can be said with NVC intention using either "clinical" or "more natural sounding" language
Clinical: "I see your red face, tilted eyebrows, and how tight your jaw is. Are you feeling angry because your need for respect is not being met? [Optional: positive do-able request here, which I’d leave out in this context.]"
Natural: "When you heard him say that, were you pissed off because you didn't get the respect you want?"
Even better, slow it down by starting out with the observation and the feeling
"Oh when you heard him say that, I wonder if you felt some anger?"
And wait for a response so that - based on that response - you might or might not want to guess at the need/want/value underlying the feeling. In my experience, this method gets better results far more often. It's also easier than trying to package observation, feeling, and need all into one neat package that also sounds natural!
Another option: [with a look in the eyes conveying understanding] "Were you wanting more respect or consideration?" Here, as you can see, we just guessed the needs. As mentioned above with the Kung Fu analogy, it’s important to “stick to the rules” while you are a beginner, so as to fully integrate PEQ before allowing yourself to “break the rules” by skipping straight to the need. In other words, if you choose too soon to skip to only guessing needs, you miss out on important aspects of how PEQ can rewire more acceptance, courage, patience, and empathy into your brain.
Another example
(A slightly different take on an example we used before)
Clinical: "I see and hear the food in your open mouth as you chew with your mouth open. I'm feeling worry about germs flying into my food. My needs for comfort and security are not being met. Would you be willing to close your mouth while you eat with me?"
Natural: "When you chew with your mouth open, I worry about germs.”
Sometimes it is OK to not express the need or the positive do-able request when it might be obvious. That said, it is important to keep in mind if we are training ourselves to not assume people can read our minds, we may benefit from making the positive do-able request, so as to be sure we are clear and we are practicing this. In crucial conversations, I recommend doing what sounds most natural.
Better still
"When I see someone chewing with their mouth open, I worry about germs getting into my food." Here again, we left off the need and positive do-able request for now, until we get their response.
Notice with many of these examples, we are leaving out the 4th component, positive do-able request. Sometimes it can be redundant because - with this example - it's obvious their mouth is open, so obvious what action we’d like them to take. I still want to underline the importance of using positive do-able request when appropriate because it can clarify exactly what the other person can do to enrich our life. Especially, as we learned in a previous chapter, needs and values are not strategies; strategies are the things we do to meet needs.
“Excited” or “Feeling excited”?
One way you can sound more natural with your Practical Empathy is to use feeling words without placing the word “feeling” before the word. What? Notice the following:
“I felt scared, then I just felt a little worried, and now I feel relieved.”
vs.
“I was scared, then a little worried, and now relieved.”
I see pros and cons to keeping the word “feeling” in. The most powerful reason I see is that we want to internalize - and even convey to others - that we are not our feelings. So if we are speaking to someone and guessing their feelings, we may be more likely to increase peace by keeping “feeling” in.
So why remove “feeling” before stating a feeling? To a person unfamiliar with NVC or PEQ, the redundancy may sometimes be a bit jarring and contribute to the overall perception that something is “off”. This effect may only happen after the person practicing empathy has done this more than once.
Finally, sometimes less words are better because time is valuable and patience is a commodity.
See what I did there? Yeah, two evaluations. Remember one of the clues about evaluation is it often comes after “is” or other forms of “to be”.
What if they respond negatively to our question?
The response to our genuine empathy might not be what we wanted. Sometimes they may not be willing to go that deep as quickly as we do. Or the difference may set off their "I'm being manipulated" alarm. They might say something like, "Don't psychoanalyze me!" or "Don't use that pscho-babble on me!"
Short answer: Give them more empathy! "When you hear someone talk that way, is it annoying or disconcerting because you want more privacy?"
Caveat: They may be at the end of their rope, having run out of patience for the conversation, maybe feeling overwhelmed and a need rest or time. So you may want to take a step back and re-evaluate their words, tone, and body language before going with the “more empathy” approach mentioned above.
“Is this conversation getting tedious for you and you’d like to take a break?”
What if you are new to PEQ and want to use it in a crucial conversation?
This is super important! Remember the chapter on “Challenges”? The following example will hopefully provide some useful guidance:
“Screw you! I’m so pissed off at you right now!”
“I hear ya, Honey Buns! I really value our relationship and I want to empathize with how you feel. Would you be up for me using this potentially weird-sounding communication tool I’m inexpert with?”
[MORE TO COME HERE]