My impulsivity takes me to my parents home. I would never thought I wanted to come home but here I am. Strange how I used to call this place "my home" whereas these days, this is just another place with free rent and amenities. Just the other week, I was offered a job somewhere in another island with decent salary and a chance to travel but as usual, I rejected it. It was the hundredth times I rejected job offers that slid into my way. Am I crazy? probably.
I have been rejecting job offers and business opportunities just because " I am not ready". But often, I feel like a failure especially when my peers started attaching themselves with junior content writer or that kind of roles. Haven't I been doing that for years even more than they do? this conflicting ideas really got into me these days.
On my way home, that feeling of excitement seeps through me. Exploring some places, finding new things, bumping into random people, and make a conversation. Working from anywhere I wanted and making the world my playground. These activities distract me from my deep darkest thought that plagues my mind from the last four years. I should have done it sooner really.
Being home is another story. I certainly hate this place as I have to co-exist with other people who don't share the same values as I do. I don't know how I could grow up being so different than all the people in this house despite I grew up here, ate the same food and breathed the same air. Perhaps, that's because I am not them.
I would fit in more with the likes of me that I hate too. At least, we share same common habits, values, and personalities. Our perception to money, to life, to the world are alike. As much as I rejected that notion, I started seeing the contrast clearly these days. It started small, as in organization. I am someone who can't deal with clutter,messy house, messy desks but where I live now, it's all messy and filled with old items. Whereas when I visit my biological family, they also enjoy clutter free life. The only person in this house that I enjoy interacting is my mother, who would want to conform and adapt into my way of living.
I tried converting her into my way of living but eventually, I realized that's just difficult. She has her ways and I have mine.So, I try to respect her ways of living as she respected min.However, I told her that if I am moving back home, I would want certain ways to do things and how things should be organized. She agreed as long as she is able to see me. Similarly, I certainly wouldn't mind moving back home as I would save up on rent and other things such as food.
When it comes to traveling, this place is accessible anywhere. The airport and train stations are nearby. It's actually a perfect hub as well to travel. However, the social conventions and the norm here are 100% more conservative than where I normally live which was why I tried to never go back here. But yeah, I would not mind being here for another 2-3 years as my main hub as soon as I get some things fixed in the house.
Culture wise, this is where I certainly fit in more with the way I speak and some of my mannerism. In my previous place, things I do would be considered rude but here it's not at all. Instead, I find them a bit rude which is funny considering how rude I can be. For instance, where I normally live people would never comment on your weight not even within family situation but here, I have heard that " well, you look more prosperous than before, how is that called stress?" from family members who then encourage me to lose some weight. My female cousin weights 117 lbs and she calls herself fat. The same goes with my mom who weights around 110lbs. In this circle of family, none weights above 130lbs. My male cousin who weights 200 pounds is constantly being nagged to lose weight and stopped eating. This is just about weight, there are more things that I find more interesting lately.
Truth is, growing up I have been so disconnected with the family. I stayed inside my room like the NEET I am and avoid any social interaction. The only time I went out is when my mom calls me to eat or when we travel somewhere. Now that I don't have my own room, I am bit observant about the situation happening around the TV room and the dining table. Perhaps, I'll find more interesting situation once I decided to go out and around. I actually found one which is something I am going to talk about in my next post.
