“Tia!” Kevin’s eyes widened.
“Fuck!” Neil breathed and he ran his hand over his head in that frustrated way that he did earlier. His eyes were pained. I couldn’t stop staring at him, it was as if Kevin was not there. The tears started before I could stop them. This was a lot to take in all at once. This was not supposed to happen. How did I allow myself to get so entangled?
“Tia…” Kevin pleaded. For the first time he was ‘Kevin meek and gentle.’
“Shut the fuck up!” I shouted pointing a finger in his direction but not taking my eyes off Neil. He opened his mouth but clamped it shut. He’s never seen me this angry nor have I ever disrespected him because in-spite of all, I was taught never to disrespect my husband. My Aunt was strong willed but she never disrespected my uncle; not before me any way.
“Baby, I can...” I cut him off so vehemently he was taken aback.
“Don’t fucking call me that!” It felt painful hearing him call me that having heard their conversation. “Don’t you dare! You don’t get to call me that! I trusted you like a fucking stupid raasclaat idiot!” I was shouting to the point of screaming. I felt trapped.
“Tell me this is not happening! It’s a dream! It has to be a dream.” Tears were streaming down my face.
“You! This was all just a lie? Everything you said, everything you did was all because you were paid?! You’re nothing but a fucking liar!” I was beyond furious. I fell for him... hard. I continued to stare at him allowing my tears to fall freely forgetting that my husband was also standing there. I saw the look of hurt in his eyes but I didn’t care. They planned this. They knew each other. How? I didn’t care.
“I hope you’re satisfied! I hope you got the money’s worth. Did you tell him how insatiable I am? You’d have to tell him because he wouldn’t know. He doesn’t know anything about fucking me. Tell him!” I screamed.
“Tell him how many times in a day and how you fuck me! Go ahead Neil!”
“Tia, I’m sorry. This...” he moved his hand signaling all three of us... “was not supposed to happen. None of this was planned.” Neil spoke softly trying to contain his own emotions.
“Did he or did he not hire you to have sex with me?!” I screamed at him, one hand pointing at Kevin and the next balled at my side.
“T it’s not like...” I cut him off.
“Did he or did he not?!” I screamed again. I knew the answer but I needed to hear it from him.
He closed his eyes, “Yes.” The response was said so softly I barely heard him above my heavy breathing.
I didn’t need to hear anymore. I backed out of the room my eyes never leaving Neil’s even as the tears ebbed and flowed. I never looked at Kevin, he meant so little to me in that moment that I didn’t care that he was there. I ran up the staircase and back to the room where I was and locked the door behind me. I grabbed my phone and dialed aunt Marcy’s number as I sank into the bed.
“Mommy come get me please!” The words rushed out as soon as she answered the phone. Deep soul wrenching sobs shook my body as I cried into the phone. I needed my mother. She was all I had.
“Tia wah happen?! What’s wrong?! Where are you?!” I couldn’t answer I just sobbed and sobbed into the phone. I realized I didn’t know where I was, so I drop pinned her my location without saying a word. She heard the chime and must have checked because she said, “I’m on my way!”
I’m not sure how far away Neil’s house was from my parents’ I knew I was somewhere in the mountains and my parents also lived in the mountains, but I had no idea as to the coordinates of where I was. I grabbed my skirt and top from the chair where it had been sitting since I woke that morning 6 days ago.
I remembered why I wore the high necked blouse and my tears came even more. My body was now covered all over with his love bites. There was not an inch of my body that he hadn’t kissed. The best week of my life had culminated into be the worse day of my life. Never in my dreams would I have imagined this would be the outcome if the bubble popped. I pictured a few scenarios, but this was never one. What makes it so much worse was how badly I fell for him. I was helplessly in love with Neil Gardener and I was a married Christian woman. I knew Kevin was a selfish motherfucker, but this was low for even him. He berated me on going to hell so much, yet he basically bought me the express ticket, drove me to the train station and boarded me himself on that train to hell.
I sat with my head in my hands and allowed the sobs to rock my body, it was best to get it all out. Maybe I could cry him out of my system. I heard a soft knocking on the door. I thought it was Neil or Kevin but I heard my aunt’s voice. “T it’s me. Can I come in?” She said through the door. I stood and ran the back of my hands over my face trying to dash the tears but it was no use. I grabbed my purse and flew the door open.
“My baby, come here,” she said when she saw what a mess I was. She hugged my body to hers and I wept openly into her neck clinging to her and breathing in her familiar scent.
“Can we go please?” I said softly once I could get words out. I clung to her hand and looked straight ahead as I made my way down the stairs. He was standing at the foot of the stairs but I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t know if Kevin had left.
“Tia, please...” his words trailed off because he may have well been talking to a brick wall. I kept my eyes to the front and continued walking. He made an attempt to approach me but my aunt shook her head lightly signaling that it was not a good idea and he stopped his eyes pained as he watched us walk out of the house. I climbed into the backseat of my aunt’s gray Lexus RX 350 and curled myself into a ball on the backseat. I didn’t see Kevin’s car in the driveway so I assumed he left before my aunt came.
The drive was mostly quietly, with only the soft sounds of my sobs in the backseat.
“Mommy I’m sorry” I whispered as I lay with my head in her lap. We were curled up in her bed together, uncle Ian was out. I only called her ‘mommy’ on these rare occasions when I needed her emotional strength. My tears had started to dry a little and I told her where I had been for the past couple of days and how it was orchestrated.
“Why are you apologizing? What did you do that’s so unforgivable?” She said softly, her fingers lightly going through the tangles of my curls.
“I had sex with him. Not once, but too many times to count. I committed adultery. You never taught me to do wrong.” I closed my eyes and I could see the pain on his face as clearly as I saw his smile very morning.
“Who says you did wrong? God is your judge, baby. You lasted longer than I ever would have. I knew you were unhappy for a long time but I chose not to get involved unless you came to me.”
“You don’t think I was wrong? You’re not disappointed in me?” I asked her playing with a thread from her jeans.
“What I think is of no consequence, Tia. You’re an adult. If I were in your position I probably would have had two or three extramarital affairs. A sexless marriage can’t be a happy marriage. We’ve never hidden things from you, you know what a happy marriage looks like.” She continued to stroke my hair.
“All I wanted was what you and daddy have. You guys have such chemistry, it was unbelievable because I had never felt that before I met him.” My eyes filled again as I remembered being in the bubble with him. “He made my body come alive. It was scary looking at our bodies together in the mirror. We looked like two perfect halves that made a whole and that made me realize that I shouldn’t be there because the ring on my finger said my other half was somewhere else and this was wrong.”
“You fell for him didn’t you?” She asked, her hand stilling. “Tia, I don’t know if he told you but Neil had a really bad divorce. They started doing the parties together because it was a fun way to spice things up, but she used it as an opportunity to have sex with as many men as she wanted.” She saw the look of shock on my face and continued.
“Yea mi couldn’t believe a woman coulda have that and still want more! I’m surprised he fell for you because he doesn’t even allow married women to attend his parties knowingly without their partners. He believes in fixing marriages not breaking them up. So I can’t believe he fell for you and you for him.”
“No, there was no falling!” My response was quick and automatic, I barely allowed her to finish. There is no way I could acknowledge that to anybody. “I like the way he makes me feel when he touches me that’s all.”
“Tia the way that man looked at you...” I cut her off.
“I said no! I’m going home to my husband where my place is. I allowed my flesh to get in the way and I know that it was wrong.” I sat up suddenly.
“T, a sexless marriage is no marriage at all. A marriage without communication or any form of intimacy is no marriage at all. The Bible says a husband ought to love his wife like Christ loves the church. I won’t tell you what to do but, I’ll always be here.”
“And what is a wife’s duty?” I asked looking up into her face.
“To first love God, herself and then to love her husband.” She held my face in her hands and wiped the tears from my face with her thumbs. Then she kissed my forehead.
“Let me ask you this, after what you experienced with Neil sexually, do you think Kevin can match up to that? Answer me honestly Tia.” She was looking at me with such sincerity. I loved her so much. She was more than my aunt or my mom, she was my best friend. “I noticed the way he looked at you, the connection you two had from that evening we had dinner. A connection like that comes only once in a lifetime. Could you really fathom the touch of another man, husband or not after that?”
“Honestly...no. But what if Neil tried to help Kevin? Maybe it would make him more attuned to my needs.” She looked at me like I was talking the language of Mars.
“Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong with you, Tia. Is Neil a magician that he can create chemistry between you and Kevin that never existed in the first place? Why didn’t Kevin ask for the help for himself? Why did he see the need to pay another man to basically fall in love with you?! Because essentially that’s what he did! He hired the sexiest, most experienced man in the country to be with you and look where you are!”
“This is all my fault! All I could think about was sex and pleasing my flesh!” I put my hand in my face as the tears threatened again.
“Listen to me Tia McLean Anderson! You deserve to be happy like any other woman! You deserve good sex as much as I do! You do not need to shackle yourself to a loveless, sexless marriage for the sake of saving face! And stop blaming yourself for seeking the pleasure that you should have been getting at home. Be true to yourself Tia! I don’t give a shit wah anybody wah say! When all is said and done God is your judge!” She spoke passionately staring into my eyes that were again brimming with tears.
“I hate to see you unhappy! You’ve been unhappy for way too long. How long was it that Kevin hadn’t touched you?”
“Five years...”
“What the fuck!” She exclaimed. The expletive flying from her lips as the shock registered on her face. “You know what Tia, I’m not going to get involved. You need to go home and get your shit together! You need to make a decision whether you will stay or whether you will leave. I have nothing more to say on the matter. I know we did our best in raising you!” She was getting angry. I rarely saw my aunt angry, especially not since I’ve been an adult. I stood up and wiped the tears from my eyes. She was right. This was my mess to fix.
“I’m sorry for disappointing you mommy,” I said sadly as I grabbed my bag and walked out the door. I didn’t wait for her response. I was way too ashamed. I know my aunt and uncle did right by me, I don’t know what happened to after I met Kevin. I think I settled, I didn’t give myself a fair chance at love. My movements were robotic as I walked out the house, into my car and drove the 30 mins to my home. Kevin’s car was in the driveway in its usual spot and another car - a blue Honda Accord, that I didn’t recognize was parked next to his.
The door was unlocked. I walked into the house that was supposed to be my home. It felt strange after being in Neil’s house with him in the bubble. Like deja vu I heard talking in Kevin’s office. He sounded angry. Again, I didn’t recognize the voice. I knew it wasn’t Neil.
“This has to stop! It’s only a matter of time before she finds out.” Kevin was agitated. Before who found out what? I thought to myself. Stepping lightly, I walked in the direction of the office.
“It’s about time she found out. It’s bound to come to light anyway. How long you think mi wah a hide?!” That other voice I couldn’t place at all. They were obviously too engrossed to hear my car pull in the driveway.
“I’m a man of God Tyrone! This can never come to light! Tia doesn’t know and it will remain that way! We need her as my cover. With her, nobody will suspect anything.” Kevin said. I stood just outside the door. I didn’t want them to be aware of my presence just yet. What didn’t I need to know? My brow furrowed, though I was somehow not surprised that Kevin had some kind of secret. There was absolutely no communication between us.
“Di woman anu idiot! You pay another man fi fuck har and it backfire pan Yu raas, a beta you jus come clean and done.” The person seemed peeved.
“You nah fuck har, you don’t even love her so why are you hanging on to her?!” The person continued.
“Because she’s my cover!” Kevin snapped. “What congregation would allow a gay pastor to lead them?!” I gasped loudly then clasped my hand over my mouth, but not before they heard me.
Kevin flung the door open and for the second time that day his eyes and mouth widened at me in shock. “Tia! I didn’t know you were coming here,” I could see he was baffling for words.
“This is my home is it not?” I was surprised at the level of calm I felt as I responded to him. I looked at the well dressed gentleman standing across from him. My eyes trailed from his shaved head to the toes of his shoes. He was short, dark, well groomed and dressed in a grey tailor made suit.
“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend? Or should I say lover?” I asked calmly hanging tightly to my control. Wow, I really needed a standing ovation for my calm.
“My name is Tyrone Parker,” he introduced himself and held his hand out to me. My eyes moved from his hand, then to his face, then back to Kevin who started sweating profusely.
I realized then that the calm I was feeling was not real, it was really pure unbridled rage. Rage for all those years of neglect, rejection and condemnation Kevin kept throwing at me; all those years I wanted him to touch me; all the hurt I felt from Neil’s betrayal rushed to the surface and fueled my next reaction. I doubled my fist out of sheer instinct, drew back my right hand and connected my fist to his face with all the strength and rage in me. The blow hurt my fingers but I did it two more times before the man called Tyrone held me back. I immediately shook him off.
“Don’t raasclaat touch mi!” He let go of me quickly and stepped away. “Come out a mi bombo pussclaat house! Bout you a come introduce yuself. Leave bloodclaat now!” That command must have connected because he backed out of the office wide eyed. I probably looked like a crazy motherfucker to him. My hair was a mess and my eyes were already puffy from crying all day.
I turned to Kevin who was holding his face,“How long?” I asked softly. He didn’t respond, maybe he was still in shock, but he was making soft sounds as if he was crying.
“How bomboclaat long?!” I shouted this time and he jumped. “I swear if you’ve ever kissed me with those lips that you used on that motherfucker I will kill you in this motherfucking house and drive miself to the nearest police station.”
“Three years,” he whispered sniffling like a bitch. Oh how the mighty has fallen, I thought ironically.
“Tia, I swear I stopped touching you when I realized that I preferred the opposite sex.” He pleaded sniffling.
“You messed with my mind all these years, allowing me to think there was something wrong with me and I was going to hell! Talking down to me and condemning me for wanting sex from my own husband, when all this time you were the sick, demented pussyhole!”
“Tia let’s talk about this please. We can work through this. We’ve been together for over 15 years!” He was pleading with me with tears in his eyes. “If people find out about this the ministry will go down, T.”
“Fuck you and your so called ministry! I want you out of this house in 24 bloodclaat hours!” My fingers hurt, my head hurt but my heart and soul were being smashed together. I walked out of the office, through the front door and into my car.
There is a time in one’s life when one needed to go as far away as possible from all the hurt and pain. I headed for Kingston’s airport. Anywhere they had an available flight that’s where I was going. I was finished with the drama. I needed a fresh start...