A habit is the repetition of a process. Basically that is having a vice. For more than 20 years I repeated one that, frankly, was total madness: smoking cigarettes. I learned from my mother. You know what they say about children who see adults smoking, then imitate that behaviour and normalise it? Well, I was a child of this statistic. So, was it entirely mum's fault? Absolutely not. I watched her as a child and my whole life smoking but it was me who decided to take the next step.
When I was 12, I started ‘stealing’ a couple of cigarettes from her, individually from the packet where my mum used to leave them. Since she smokes more than a pack a day, she hardly noticed. Also, a ‘benefit’ of living and growing up in a smoking household is that the smoke, so typical, hardly ever leaves the walls or the home as such... Adolescence is a period of extreme change. One summer you love playing with your toys as a child, and the next you are out in the early hours of the morning with your friends, drinking alcohol and partying...
And I know, I know... It's easy to judge and point fingers. But believe me, I had a very strict childhood, 1⃣, full of traditional Christian values and conservative morals. But as a former universe teacher of mine used to say: ‘Whatever social, economic and political context we come from, we ourselves are not isolated islands in the sea. We interact with others on a daily basis...’. In cigarettes I found friendships that last to this day. Many good moments in my life had a few smokes as part of the script... And without wishing to romanticise a practice that is so harmful to health, frankly, beyond the chemical and physical characteristics that make you addicted, what is most challenging about quitting smoking for good is that you already know the (momentary and toxic) pleasure of this habit.
Physically, my decision to quit smoking 5 months ago was the right one. I wasn't feeling well, I'm a mother and I'd hate for my daughter to do it because she saw me, and also my health is something I'm worried about... That said, last December 31st, New Year's Day, I bought a bottle of wine and put some music on YouTube.... There I was with my boyfriend, welcoming the new year together. Getting drunk with the person I care most about after my baby girl, and I felt again the urge to reach for a cigarette and smoke. I was no longer chemically addicted to tobacco. The tachycardias, headaches and anxious manias had stopped months ago, but I still remembered the feeling of reward and pleasure....
There are definitely certain pleasures that will always be subject to our own self-control. In my 30's I became a more hedonistic woman. I understood the value of self-pampering and the pleasures of life. I always lived at the expense of other people's opinions. I mixed everything in terms of desires and rewards. Cigarettes, faithful and harmful accomplice, were always by my side... It wasn't very cool to have that dose of I don't know what (seriously, it's hard to explain what I no longer feel with every puff) but, I guess, what I'm trying to say is that there is no better act of love than making decisions that are difficult for our well-being... One Thursday in August I decided ‘no more cigarettes’. Five months later, I am still true to that prayer.
All photographs and content used in this post are my own. Therefore, they have been used under my permission and are my property.
