One of these days I need to go back and see where I was a year ago, mentally, emotionally, physically…
I can at least remember my mind and heart were ducking it out even just a few months ago. I felt the same kind of stuck so felt since I was a kid.
“Hiding yourself is the only way to be safe”
“Work isn’t supposed to be fun and your fun work won’t last”
“People will be turned off by your confidence, especially since you don’t have what they consider worthy of confidence”
Those were a few of the narratives I was under the control of.
Dismantled.
I have been doubling down on my ideals the past few months even in the face of instability and uncertainty.
I bought a pair of very colorful showy pants to overcome my fear of being seen. At the time I felt physically uncomfortable to wear them. They signaled all kinds of fear responses in my brain.
Now I don’t even think twice to wear them.
I hardly look at my balances anymore unless it’s to plan and manage. I don’t worry how my portfolio is doing day to day. I don’t stress even if things are dropping. It’s not that I have all that I want, but things have worked out this far and I know it can’t be hard to keep them going and getting better.
I realize that if I died tomorrow, all of my regrets would be about not going harder on my passions and my ideals and my dreams, and so I don’t spend much of my energy on other things unless they improve my energy levels or create a better environment around me.
I don’t have many holes leaking energy like I used to.
I’m far more focused than I’ve ever been.
I sat down to learn the triads of the major scale on guitar and learned all 12 in 3 days, about 6 hours total. That’s something I’ve been putting off for over a decade. I imagined it would have taken a few weeks, and I think to someone who just follows a teacher or some kind of routine, it probably would.
But I wanted to get it done as quickly as I could and so I optimized my time by learning then the fastest way I could imagine. I played them at 60 BPM, then 70 then 100, then 150….
Systematic.
I see the road to where I am going so I just need to walk it now.
Next week I am going to tell my friend I can play a show next month if he has a date open. It’ll be my first show in over a year.
I’m cooking up a lot of stuff that I hardly even talk about.
I may have a second EP and a Japanese translation of my first short novel by the end of the year and so imagine I will be earning 10% of my income through shows and 20% through Hive. 30% of an average salary from my artistic projects. Not bad at all!
I plan to help @tentententen with flea markets and marketing her hats and she’ll be splitting the profits with me so maybe I can get it up to 50%.
Wouldn’t that be wild?
A year ago I could only dream about something like that but now it’s within reach.
We want to open a shop this year and still have no idea how that can come to pass but we know it will some way or another, if not this year then in the first months of next year
I know I talk about this stuff a lot but I feel like every time I have come along even further.
There are still things to work on but it’s becoming fun, like a game.
Hope you are on the upswing as well! If not, take this as a sign that it’s coming for you too!