Sunspots on my skin

 “  from womb to tomb ”

                  My story started after a legally sanctioned union of my parents for companionship, procreation, and redemption. Many months later, I started to attain a form in the safety of my mother's womb. My mother said I would always kick her belly, to which she can always feel and laugh about. It was months of mood swings and food cravings for boiled eggs and siopaos, until finally it was time to give birth to me after hours of labor on 2am of January 3rd, year of 2005. My mother always told me that I was born in my Grandmother's house, not in a hospital or community center. I was not taken care of by doctors and nurses, but by a midwife that is a close friend of my grandmother. I was born on the second floor of my grandmother's house that is still quite sturdy even today. I think it is also one of the reasons why I like visiting that floor. 
                  I was the first born child so they were very careful of taking good care of me, but even so, I was still raised well and not-spoiled. My mom always told me that I grew up not wearing diapers because they taught me at a young age to point to the comfort room whenever I want to take a dump, and just pee directly on our bamboo floor (which is now cemented and polished). They said I was a fast-learner too, and at a young age of 2 years old, I'm already proficient in speaking my mother tounge.
                  During these years in my childhood in babyhood, I also remember coming home from our church at late hours by myself without any flashlight or any source of lights at all, and leaving my mother and grandmother behind. I used to memorize every step, every rock placements, and every holes on the muddy and rocky road, and even until today the road still remained uncemented though it was already flattened countless times throught the years. This side of me, of which I call fearlessness of a child, is undoubtedly one of the memories I cannot erase and forget. It was also a year of innocence, of not knowing muc about reality beyond a child's mind. During a question asked by my teacher, about what profession we wanted to have in the future, I simply answered "to be a driver like my father", not knowing that it is something that would require patience and hardwork. I just knew that to become what my father does for a living is the greatest achievement.
                             A lot of things and events happened during my elementary years which I can still remember very well. One of it is my laziness and tardiness to go to school even though Lakewood Central Elementary School's gate is just across the road. Yes, just 15 steps of my short legs and I'll arrive directly at our kindergarten classroom and yet I was still always late. This is something I got used to growing up even though I was reprimanded a lot of times by my parents. During these early years of my elementary schooling, where the weather is warm and very nostalgic, we had a sari-sari store that is 'booming' because it's the nearest store in the school proximity. I used to help a lot during recess and free time, but mostly I just secretly took a few bisquits and sweets without my mother knowing. I can still remember the details very well; my mother was busy attending to hungry elementary children being loud, a random vendor yelling outside to sell his colorful chicks that dies after a few days, and me hiding from my mother's sight to chew fast on candies. I feel nostalgic everytime I remember it, noting the fact that our sari-sari store was already demolished just a few years back to create a 'pantawan'. This part of my childhood is where I'm most actively watching television for my favorite cartoon shows shown on TV5 and Nick Jr. TV. My mother told me that I was able to form, comprehend, and understand english words very wellbecause of this cartoon shows that I imitated, which greatly helped me on my journey to learning.
                       On first grade, I remember being so excited on the first day of classes that my usual tardiness and laziness was nowhere to be found. I arrived early in the classroom with my cute backpack and large pencil and saw a lot of familiar faces from pre-school and kindergarten. During this year, I can already memorize the alphabet and can also pronounce it well, can count to 100 without mistakes, and can already read and understand a few words from my favorite cartoon characters. I was really excited because I know I will learn a lot more, already knowing that first graders are already 'advanced' from kindergarten. On second grade, I can comprehend sentences very well, though it is also the year where I'm most playful and actively running outside, which unfortunately, resulted in me having a broken arm that is still not healed even until today, after falling down from a great height. I can say this is where I'm most mischievous, and where I'm most regretful because I already have this broken arm to remind me for a lifetime. On third grade, I was behave, not like my playful child self from the past grade because I already learnt my lesson. I remember just sitting on my chair and doodling cars and fires on my notebook, which I learnt from my artistic friend, Angelo. I occasionally play outside the classroom when I feel like it, but most of my time are really just spent inside the classroom. Regret was eating up the child in me, and the months of recuperation spent lying on the floor to not accidentally touch my healing arm is something I will never forget, more especially as a child that has no ability to turn back the time and could only dwell in regret. On fourth grade, however, I started to move-on from my dangerous fall, because this was the year where I fell in love. My very first crush was my seatmate, and I think this puppy love made me forget the regret. I was full of vitality everytime I enter the classroom and seeing my crush already sitting in our joined chair, already waiting for me to arrive, so she can rest her head on my lap and babble about random things that fascinates a child. I was full of smiles everytime and she made me accept the fact that life goes on, there's no reason to dwell on the past anymore, and she was there, making up a completely new page of my slowly accumulating novel of life: This year also, we won first place in the school demo where we wore green tribal-like design outfit and danced to a choreography that was choreographed by our late teacher Mr. Sevillano T. Ondo, our great teacher that taught us a lot of lifelong lessons, May he rest in peace. On fifth grade, I joined Boyscout of the Philippines where I was elected as a scout leader by my members. The name of our scout is Goat Scout where we mimic the sounds of a dying goat. Our banner is drawn using a green crayon and it was supported by a very crooked stick thatwe found on the bushes. This moment of my childhood is where I felt the sense of leadership, of leading my patrol to be united to do tasks that are given to us, where we never felt inferior for only occupying the last place everytime because camaraderie was above all, our goal. We had a campfire, sang our scout songs, and had a lot fun. Fifth grade was also where I was invited to become an Emcee for the graduating Grade 6 students, something I never expected at all. It was my first time facing a huge crowd, and in a very important event at that. Almost everyday, I review my script with my partner, which is no other than my crush in 4th grade. I cannot remember every details during our Emcee-ing but I remember overcoming my shyness and becoming confidenct as we speak. It is a memory I can never forget. On sixth grade, everything about my academic endeavors, because it was where I really started to become serious. My teacher, Ms. Setit was my favorite out of all my teachers in elementary and even in highschool years after. She was the only teacher who encouraged me to join journalism because she saw a potential in writing in me, that was what she said on one of our classes. I was one of the students who did not dislike english because I grew up not having difficulties in understanding the language, and so I joined without hesitation with the guidance of Ms. Setit, and although I was not able to go to NSTP with my friends, it was a memory I will and will always cherish for a lifetime. Sixth grade is bittersweet for me. It was a goodbye to friends that I grew up with throughout my years in elementary, whose faces and laughters are already occupants in my memory jar. But it was also a sweet one, because it was also a fresh start to a changed me.
                           Bus rides to Cagayan de Oro: the first phrase that comes to mind when I recall my adolescence. After the moving up graduation on sixth grade, I was invited by my lovely Grandmother to come to CDO to accompany her and my 3 year old cousin, which became a yearly occurence. Every summer, I'd always beg my mother to let me come to CDO, where my stay usually lasts for 2 weeks to up to a month and a half. I love travelling. I love the bus rides. I love accompanying my grandmother. I bought my first ever phone in CDO: a cherry mobile flare that only costs for two thousand pesos, a very laggy phone but budget friendly nonetheless. All the money I received during and after the moving up ceremony was used to buy that phone which died two years later. Aside from travelling, I really focused on my studies in junior high school. I was always participating in scgool contests andd activities like journalism, sabayang pagbigkas, singing contests, performances by grades and section, dance contests, and many more. It was all thanks to my teachers for letting me show and use my full potential in the spaces in an outside the classsroom. Having competitive classmates also helped a lot in cultivating my academic prowess, because even though it was a battlefield of trying to raise grades as high as one can, it was also of unity and not letting anyone fall behind. Positive mindset and fun friends are really a must have for young learners that are slowly adapting to the world. After classes, me and my friends would walk all the way home instead of spending money for fares because we get to talk about a lot of things wgich are mostly nonsensical and childish but oftentimes about life, of what and how we imagine ourselves in the future that is slowly nearing. Academic achievement asides, we just wanted to survive this stage in our life against pressure from peers and families.
                     I turned Eighteen on January 3, 2023 this year, and my responsibilities as a young adult seemed to double up, academically and in the household. I can't say I like to be eighteen, a contrast to what I said years ago that I cannot wait to be 18 and do a lot of great stuff that adults can do, because reality can really slap a punch. It is a stage of internal turmoils and of being emotionally drained, physically exhausted, and swimming in a sea of doubts. and I can say is that it feels good to reminisce the past, because being a care-free child that worries about nothing is something I can never feel and experience again.
                       I liked to imagine that all my sacrifices paid of in adulthood though: that the struggles, the paranoia, the pain, the heartbreak, the unimaginable things were already levels cleared like on the videogames. That I finally finished the tertiary level of my education and graduated with flying colors, marking a name for myself. That I finally finished a degree in English Education and was able to secure a spot in a prestigious school to teach with a heart and mind that is at ease and contented, knowing that I was already able to repay all the sacrifices that my family made for me. Because of the great salary ,I was also able to fund myself to finish a masterals in teaching which lead me to an even better life for myself and for my family. I was able to build a store for my parents, not a sari-sari store like what we had before, but a convenience store that is 3 stories high that has everything one can ever think of.
                      I am not someone who really think a lot about having a family of my own, not because I don't want to, but because I believe that if it is for me, then it will happen. There are also a lot of things that I need to consider: does my partner want a child? am I ready? will I be able to take good care of my family as father and as a husband? because after all, parenting is not as easy as everyone think, and i know that. I want to create a family not just because everyone is telling me to do so but because I am emotionally, financially, physically, and spiritually ready.
                       But of course, like everyone else, I also had an imagination of what my very own family would look like. After graduating college and saving up enough money for my family, my partner of 7 years and I would plan to join hands in marriage on a scenic spot on top of a chilly mountain that we climbed. And we'd cry in happiness together, and plan for our future: my partner would move into a house I bought with my own money, and we'd start living from then onwards, and marry each other months later on a church in my hometown where I grew and spent most of my life to let all the people dear to me to witness our love. And we'd create a family of 4, maybe 5 if the heavens will let us, and live most of our lives in contentment and love with all the people we cherish.
                        I do not want to imagine how I'd die, but I know for a fact that I would die with a smile on my face for experiencing everything that I experienced in life from birth to my very last breath.
         

          And these memories, these recollections of the past that is slowly becoming blurry and almost vanishing with the wind, are parts of me, like sunspots and solar flares on the surface of my skin that are unnoticed albeit with me always.