Hey there! It’s been a while.
Actually, let’s erase that. It’s been approximately 4 months, 5 weeks, and 2 days when I last uploaded a content and write something here. It just feels like forever. I am constantly checking and opening this account just to check on how are y’all doing, claim HP rewards as well, but mostly just to browse with no definite objectives.
But today, something in me pushed me to write.
It’s my free day anyway. All I just did today was to sit and browse something on my feed.
Actually, I don’t have any idea what to write, it’s like not writing for a really long time made me incapacitated to share my thoughts and ideas.
What do I want to say? What do I want to share? Oh! Maybe I guess I owe this space an update.
A lot has happened. I don’t even know where to start.
I’m in my final year of college, second semester, and my last semester in my university. And in just a few months, I’ll be graduating. Look at that! Time really flies so fast without me knowing.
It still feels strange saying that out loud. “I’m formally graduating.” Like I’m supposed to feel proud, relieved, and excited. Don’t get me wrong, alright? I do; I really do. But you know, along with this happiness and excitement is a heavy and a silent pause. Everyone considered the graduation as a finish line, but no one really talks about the emotional weight of leaving this behind.
How do you say goodbye to the version of yourself who struggled through online classes during pandemic? How do you say goodbye to yourself who cried silently multiple times at night just because you thought that you’re going to fail in your thesis? That you’re going to repeat and wait for a year just for you to re-defend it? How do you move forward from the campus hallways that slowly became familiar, from the professors who challenged you, from the dormmates and friends who turned into your friends and great confidant?
College was not just about academic manuscripts and deadlines. It was about the moments I lived in between. The ‘galaan’ after a tiresome discussion, the unexpected laughter in the most unexpected places, and the nights when I questioned if I was doing enough, if I was enough, and If I was in the right path.
And you know? Here I am. Still breathing. Still growing. Still here. Fighting.
I think part of why I stopped creating blogs and any content here was because life got too noisy for me. I cannot handle my time really well. I am not good at time management probably. I lost track of myself in all the responsibilities, in the rush to meet expectations of myself, in trying to figure all out at once, in trying to figure out “What’s next?”
That’s why I feel like I forgotten to write. I can’t sum up all my thoughts, it feels like the words became unfamiliar. But today, I’m glad that it did. I did. I manage to write.
That doesn't mean that I have it all figured out. But because I want to honor my small wins. Like getting through this last semester. Like finally being able to defend our research even with shaking hands and sleepless nights. Like being able to be comfortable with my alone moments just because I feel like I need to. Like showing up for myself when it would have been easier to stay silent.
This post is not a comeback entirely. It is a love letter to every version of myself that managed to survive this roller coaster journey.
To the first year me who doubted if he’s belong and would find any friends.
To the second year me who are afraid to travel alone in Manila.
To the third year me who became distant and overwhelmed.
To the present me, who may still be scared but chooses to man up and keep walking anyway.
And maybe, just maybe. This post may also be a message to someone out there. Hey! If you’ve felt a strong sense of lost, if you’re feeling uninspired, overwhelmed, tired, and you feel like you want to give up. I just want to say that you are not alone. Growth doesn’t always look like success, sometimes it just looks like surviving.
I don’t know what is next for me. The next journey is a big step I’m about to step off. But for now, I’m learning and continuously learning to be proud of this version of me. The one who kept me going, even no one was aware and watching.
So yes, it’s been a while. I’m not entirely back. But know that I am still here.
And if you’re still here too, to the person and online friends that I met, thank you. Thank you for being part of this journey.
Here’s to more stories, more healing, more life.
With all the heart that I have left.
Khairro