Since November of last year, I've been consumed with various aspects of life, and although I have a lot to say, I don't feel like writing about food and travel lately. My life is a mess, my thoughts are in disarray, and it feels like everything is becoming too much for me to handle. I want to pour these thoughts out of me because any minute now I might explode, and even though it's only February, it seems like it's been a demi-decade to me.
My mental health is not at its best right now, and I feel as though I'm like a delicate vase with a barely noticeable crack that no one else can see. I should be happy with the job opportunity I have received this month; however, I can no longer see the yin and the yang. It seems like everything has shifted and is now in favor of the stressors. It's not that I'm not happy about the new opportunities, but I really can't help but wonder how I'm going to escape this situation.
At first, it felt like a responsibility—something I should do since I'm the eldest. But lately, it feels like a prison. I don't have anyone to talk to right now who would not get irritated with my current situation. Even my main support in this wobbly life is starting to get disappointed—not in me, but with the situation. Well, I can't blame him. He doesn't deserve to be in this kind of situation with me. He's been selfless since the beginning of our relationship.
I am also fed up with the lows and the never-ending lows. But I am not a quitter; I was not raised to be one. But the empathetic side of me is taking over, and I'm stuck in a loop, on the verge of throwing in the towel. I dug my own grave, and there is no one to hold responsible except myself. Nevertheless, the remaining percentage of me still wants to push forward, even though it feels like I'm swimming towards an abyss rather than the shore. I don't yet know how to save both the present and my future.
They say money can't buy happiness, but that's not true in my case. It's funny when I tell myself to pursue the career path I want to take, but honestly, it's always the salary because I can't turn a blind eye to the responsibilities. So I decided to do what I've been already doing, my comfort zone. I just hope I'll be able to find joy and grow in the new concrete jungle I'm heading towards.
What's written is like an abstract, I guess. I intend to pour out some of my thoughts, but not in detail. But somehow, it lightens my mood.
K N E E L Y R A C