It's been a long while, and I've been writing in an on-and-off manner. This year has been the toughest so far, both financially and professionally, but still, I was very hopeful at the start of February, my birth month. Unfortunately, it didn't go as I expected. Too many things happened, mostly unpleasing ones. I made a decision and am not sure if I did the right thing. Was I being emotional when I made that decision? Did I really think of it a hundredfold? I don't know. My mind was loud and chaotic. I want to shut it off and try to justify those decisions.
I've been employed as a full-time freelancer by an IoT company for 3 years already. I'm an ECE working for an electronics company, but my work is not purely in line with my profession. I'm on the documentation side—checking and editing the datasheets, manuals, and tutorials—and then managing the EN and CN documentation site. With my work, I was introduced to version control and web development. I have enjoyed this new learning, but I want to practice my profession. I tried transferring to another team and was accepted, but then it was withdrawn since no one will be able to replace me in just a month or two.
With the series of unexpected news, I was getting impatient, so I decided to look for another job and stepped out of my comfort zone. Interviews never fail to make me so anxious that I can't think straight and end up failing the technical interview. I tried the semiconductor but didn't make the cut. I also tried for the biomedical engineering industry, but male applicants are highly preferred. I got shortlisted, but judging from the interviews, I already get the gist of their preference. I really want to pursue electronics, but it feels like I no longer belong in the field. So I tried my luck in the software industry even though I don't have hard-core software skills and experience.
There were lots of rejections and tears. As I was interviewed almost every week, I slowly familiarized myself with the rhythm of the interviews. Since my work experience is in R&D and technical writing, I applied as a technical writer to a software company in Cebu City. The job description felt like it was written for me, and I was somehow hopeful that I would be able to use the communications (network) side of my course. I overcame four interviews and passed the technical exam (two parts), which made me proud of myself. I was even more ecstatic knowing that it's a Fortune 500 company.
I flew back to Cebu City more than a week after I received the job offer. The moment I arrived in Cebu, a series of unfortunate events happened: the airline lost or left my three baggage; my deployment was delayed for more than a month because I couldn't have a urinalysis at that time; and my laptop screen suddenly turned all-black when I was about to work on my freelance job. With my delayed deployment and the consecutive change of start date, some unknown wind blew through my Pisces mind, which made me decide to withdraw my acceptance of the job offer.
Sent this email a few days after the HR messaged me that my deployment is rescheduled again.
It would've been my first corporate job. I had some regrets because the benefits and basic salary were beyond what I expected, and the management doesn't care if I continue my freelance job. My cubicle and laptop were already prepared, but I can no longer take back my words. All I need to do is make sure this loud, chaotic voice inside my head will stop screaming at me.
Since I'm already working for an electronics company, I decided to negotiate with the head of HR. The management might think that I'm just playing my game so I can achieve what I want because I was questioned about why I was in Cebu and if my boyfriend changed jobs. They might think it was just a bluff that I got hired, but it is what it is. They have issued another company laptop and agreed to my terms that I'll go back as a full-time employee with a more technical and electronics-related workload. I don't expect much from the team to which I was supposed to be transferred, but this international team gave me hope.
First time using a Macbook, and I regret that I chose this over Windows. With this hopeful start, I also turned down an offer as a Network Engineer based in Manila. I am not sure if my decisions are still rational since I want the electronics side of my profession, or if I'm just being stupid knowing that I am somehow good at the communications side rather than the electronics. Perhaps I got scared to start socializing with other people again and spend money and time going to the workplace; that's why I decided to stay in the comfort of the four corners of my room.
I have this urge to prove that I was being reasonable by choosing my heart over my brain. It'll be hard for me to compensate for the financial loss and benefits, but I'll make sure to slowly practice my profession.
You got this, Caryl!
K N E E L Y R A C
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