I was really sad. Life was really crazy, everything seemed like a struggle and one of the things that kept me sane was him. I looked forward to hearing the voice that made my heart jump, I craved being in the hands that made my body tingle, I yearned for that hug that felt so soothing and made me feel very safe yet I couldn't have any of that due to distance. I just had to rely on the conversations.
Surprisingly I went a day then two, three and four whole days and I didn't hear from the one who said I was the love of his existence. I got confused, worried, and sad. "Does he not feel that way anymore?", "did something happen?", "Is he going through a tough time?" I was just there questioning everything and trying to wrap my head around the situation but I couldn't.
Why didn't I just reach out to him?
Well I couldn't, I wouldn't. I swore I would not do that. It has happened before, this wasn't the first. He said he was sorry, we may not have to talk everyday but 3 days was such a long time. He assured me he'll do better. I believed him yet it happened again.
On day 4, I said enough was enough. I knew everything was okay because he was active on his social handles, was posting and so I knew he was available. Without wasting 2 seconds, I poured my heart in a text explaining how stupid I feel. I said I couldn't deal with a love that can't communicate, a love that doesn't worry about me, a love that doesn't crave my attention. I was done.
Guess what the reply said😢
"I'm sorry, I knew we wouldn't be able to date, I'm at a stage of my life where I have to make big decisions about my future and I don't really call anyone at this point. I'm not big on communication. This is why I didn't want us to start a relationship, I knew we wouldn't work"
There the tears I was holding all along came trailing down my face. This was the second time. I didn't write a reply. I cleared the conversation, deleted every picture, every video of us. I was moving on immediately.
Why Stir The Passion Of Love If You're Unready?
That's the only question I wanted to ask him. I felt very stupid and pained. I have had feelings for him for ages. This started about 3 years ago. When I noticed he wasn't looking my way I let go. I remember always marking the days I would talk to him on my calendar. I was trying to avoid getting attached and letting go so I only spoke to him after 7 days. Then I moved to 14 days and then one month and finally I didn't even remember when I stopped reaching out.
We were friends so once in a while we kept talking but I didn't think about the feelings anymore.
But then this year, the emotions I fought so hard to suppress came bouncing back with full gravity when he told me he actually really likes me. He first said he loved me and I told him I saw him as a friend and nothing more. Day after day he kept asking what it would be like to be in a relationship with me. I was careful not to give in quickly because I didn't want to get hurt. After a long time of contemplation with him constantly telling me about how he feels I told him I liked him too now look where I landed. I wondered why he made me declare my feelings for him if he wasn't ready. As a matter of fact all he said about thinking about his future was a very stupid excuse.
To make matters worse
After I didn't reply to that message, he came asking if he hurt me and he didn't mean to. He wondered what was making me so angry, he wasn't getting the memo at all. I cried some more when he asked if I had feelings for him. I was like "Nigga, are you for real?"
He finally had to call and beg that I make him understand what was really pissing me off and I did. There came the sweet man apologising repeatedly, saying he didn't know what came over him, he will do better.
Guess what?
The Boss Lady in me woke with full force and said no! The time to change has passed, nothing really ever changes. Rather than give myself hope again I'll just move on. I made it clear my phone won't dial his number again. He understood but begged that I would review that when I feel better. I hope I won't. I've cried too much about this, now I put the focus on me. Just maybe we'll stand a chance in our next life.
I'm a mess right now but it's going to be okay again. Sorry for my long rambles.😢