Right now I'm standing at the edge of darkness. As I look down, all I can see is an abyss calling my name. Just one step shy lies the event of me vanishing from this earth permanently. I never imagined that I would find myself in a situation like this. But, here I am, gasping for air, life, yet it is escaping me by the minute.
I realize now that I am a very weak man. My hands tremble at the slightest hint of danger and the allure of money makes me greedy, impulsive, in one word, self destructive. Always itching to push the red button. And I have pressed it this time. The realization that this is it and there is no coming back from this set in a little too late.
Even though I have been a self proclaimed preacher of hope all my life, I am having the hardest time finding any for myself now when I need it the most. She is there though, my beloved other half. She is trying as much as she can, to hold my hand, trying to pull me back. But her grab is slipping as the sweet on my palm keeps building up. Her sweet voice helps a bit. But as soon as she stops, the devil creeps in, and whatever progress she has made seemingly becomes undone.
Dying is easy young man, living is harder, the quote keeps echoing in the air all around me. The funky squeaking voice uttering the words from inside my head is no less bothersome than a mother sitting next to you with a crying child on a long journey and she is doing nothing to help. But, no matter how irritating it sounds in a time like this, it rings true. As so I have felt many many times in the past.
Throughout my life, I've been most afraid of disappointment. Not disappointing others, but disappointing myself. And at times like these are when my innate tendencies of cowardice come out in the form of drastic choices only to regret later on. But, this time even as I find no hope, I'll give it one last try I suppose. Even as the edge I'm at is only a step away, I'll not take that step. In my previous life, I had nothing much to lose. But now, I have so much to lose.
My humblest apologies to that one person who I've had the privilege of calling a teacher. I know I've failed horribly as a student and repeatedly did all that I am not supposed to do. But that is the story of my life I suppose, failing horribly. I hope id be able to make up for it sometime in my life.
