I'm still living in fears until now. I almost stopped going back to what I used to do because of that, but then one day I just realized that I don't want to feel helpless anymore, I don't want to feel that frustration I felt whenever I had to ask for help from my family, even from the trivial things, and most of all, I don't want to live in fears anymore and just be the useless me till the end. Nothing will happen if I dwell on it too much, nothing will change.
I want to change that. I will live in fear, but I decided to embrace it while slowly getting myself back. There are times that I still think about "that day" and how frightened I was. I can't just easily shrug it off, you know. How I wish I could just do that. How I wish I could just forget that hellish nightmare. But then I decided that, while I'm remembering that hardest moment of my life, I would slowly move forward and reclaim what I actually was before "that day."
And so, I started by flashing my own sh*t in the comfort room (≧▽≦), then getting my own bath water using a water pump manually. I didn't use force, and I almost stay inside the bathroom all day because I have to do it really slowly, but then, yes! It's a success. Slowly and carefully. I do that for weeks, and I add a little force every day. I'm running out of patience, and I just want to pump hard and get some water, but patience. It's my mantra to get by with it.
Then, after all this, I also decided to start doing my own laundry rather than let Mama do it for me. I started with four clothes every two days, then five. And to make it easier, I always soak my laundry every night in water with a detergent powder, then wash it in the morning. At least, with that, I can easily remove the dirt that was attached to my clothes. But still, I received help from my mommy F by pumping water for me ( ◜‿◝ ), so I will just rinse it all.
It is much easier for me that way, thanks to Mommy F. I'm really, really grateful for that gesture. I am so happy I have Mommy F with me. I want to really go back to the stronger me, where I can freely do everything on my own, but for now, I still have to be patient while also doing my best. All I can do for now is take a few steps for something to change. A little progress will be a big one too soon, I just have to bear with it for now.
And you know, after doing all these, it makes me feel good. I had that sense of relief because, finally, I changed something in me. I overcame my fears, and now I'm doing really well with my healing. I still need more time to completely heal not just the wound physically but also my mind because it really affected my mental health, and so I need more push to completely erase those bad memories. I can do this, I know. I've already made a few steps, so I'll continue to move forward, I'll keep on moving forward.
Please cheer me on on this one, guys. Let's do this, yeah <(￣︶￣)>.
Lead Image Esited in Canva.