I was invited to a virtual birthday party for an octogenarian mentor in this past week ... he put me out there immediately as a singer, and so of course I sang "Happy Birthday" ... I had noted just the night before that the spring allergies and their effect on my voice have subsided, and so I am getting back into good order.
The good doctor, at the end, said, "I felt like I was in Heaven."
That is not the first time I have been told that my singing makes other people feel like my favorite musician's singing makes me feel. Even here on Hive, folks just love to hear me sing and play the piano... I'm not unaware of what I have as a musician.
I wept after the party ... I finally realized why I'm just not out there on the stages of the world I have the talent to be on. I have done well in business, and as an investor as well ... I could be much more visible in both, and monetize things much better.
But status and money do not motivate me. It took me three years climbing into peace to finally silence everything else but the understanding of my not-quite-understood but existing iron resolve: to give the world less so that I can give those to whom I am called more.
So, with that I finally called and made my first studio appointment in a decade, at a setup that is for community musicians at a community rate doing community things. I found that right on time!
To the extent that those I am called to are not just in my personal circle, I may do a larger release -- here on Hive, out to Spotify and them -- but not for them. For all those who will hear love and hope and peace and strength, and who are called to hear me -- that is who it will be for.
Meanwhile, Creative Sparks here on Hive did a reboot initiative -- create art that describes restarting -- so I did. An improvisation, for the first time in longer than I can remember, to inspire others on the same journey!
With this understanding, it came to me even more deeply why Kurt Möll, my favorite musician, chose not to sing Wotan and Hagen -- his explanation about the latter was that Hagen was for singers who already could not sing because it would wreck the voice. No one dared ask about Wotan that I can find in English, although I have a theory ... we'll get to that another day, though.
What Herr Möll preserved his voice for is highly significant in post-war Germany, in the same way the Negro Spiritual is deeply significant in the move toward human rights in the United States of America even now and again: he kept his voice for German lieder, thus reminding his people of who they were before the 20th century's tragedy ... a voice that pointed the way to a brighter, nobler future, for, as it is written in Scripture:
Remember from whence you have fallen, and REPENT.
And Germany DID. I wish the same for my own nation, someday ... meanwhile, I am a voice ... I have never sought greater stages but have poured everything into keeping the people going who are for the right around me and further off where the joyful sound resonates ... for 20 years, I have had music of some kind going around the world. Now to continue it with both the iron will I always have and with the joy and energy back again: that is the next challenge. Opportunities are opening up ... the great musician of the spring who asked me to accompany her has swung back around for another accompanist opportunity for me, just in time for us to get some studio time this summer...
I always will have my temptations, too.
In my life beyond Hive, I have been using my time not dealing with foolishness to open new territory for myself to explore and grow in, and in this process I have been slowly discovering new crypto hubs in San Francisco -- places to go talk about Hive, with my best-selling book Seizing the Crypto Bull Run for Financial Freedom and my knowledge of the greatness of Hive in Web 3 as my entry tickets. I can be San Francisco's most prominent crypto author in those spaces, simply because it pays to have been a professional journalist: I can find people and things others cannot!
So, I got a piece of information ... a single photograph on a website, in San Francisco's Presidio National Park ... no address, but a photograph ... enough for me to go to the Presidio and triangulate a position ...
... but as I was planning all this, two things occurred to me:
Folks have their in-groups and do not necessarily want to be found outside their vetted groups -- something to keep in mind
I qualify by virtue of the work I've done in the crypto space ... but since most people will not even get on the beginner level, there is no way to even consider getting them around this.
This triggered me ... all that grief, all that sense of failure on so many levels over the past several years ... all I want is for everyone around me to be blessed like I am, but that's not up to me ... I know that ... but that agony was right there.
But again ... a warning came to me ... that sweet, dear, deep bass voice, warning me that the abyss was trying to take me in again.
Strauss's "Der Einsame" is essentially "The Solitary [Man]" -- a man alone in darkness so deep it can be felt: thick, dense, and surrounding him tightly, like a boa constrictor. At the end, the abyss will open at his feet -- plenty of room there, so since the light of his life has already gone out and he will not be coming out of darkness, he says "Take me in [or perhaps, the word being auf in German, it could be 'take me away' also] eternal night!" and steps right in!
This also reminded me of what the German for King Phillip's aria in Don Carlo says in most versions: that the king will not rest until his tomb raptures him -- entrickt from the world!
However, Herr Möll, in singing that, changed the words -- he would not sing the idea that the grave was the one to enrapture the brokenhearted. I wrote in Q-Inspired in 2023 about how long it took me to track down what he had done, and in retrospect it is even more astonishing. He borrowed from three different translations to make his own unique German version -- mostly agreeing with Peter Cornelius's standard version, but not at that point, and not at the point in which it can be made clear that the king is not sleepless because of all he is going through, but is keeping himself up, having already decided what he is going to ask the Grand Inquisitor for in the next scene: permission to murder his own son!
All this drama in Verdi and Strauss in which men are working toward the abyss -- same cause: the eyes of their woman no longer seeing them as "it." King Phillip and the Solitary Man both are different kinds of messed up ... and, they are not unreal characters in the sense that many men go through this.
What stands out now, though, because I am living so differently in 2023, is that both men pinned all their hopes on what a single human being chose to do relative to them and all they had to offer, and had nothing else to hold them out of the abyss. No moral code. No faith in anything above them, and no commitment to any purpose greater than their own wants. No sense of life being worth living well outside what other human beings close by are doing in terms of admiring and adoring them. Strip away the romantic piece, and that's what's left.
To that path I am not called, not for anyone on earth -- so I removed my foot from the path of the abyss again and made my plans to set forth to new ground -- and suddenly the moment of anguish passed -- light shot forth in the darkness as I chose to walk in the light!
On the non-fiction side of the fourth wall, I had to think about this as I went about my business ... there were a lot of lessons ... but on the fictional side where we are here, the echo of the rejoicing on high because I made the right decision materialized with a great smile, glowing with the joy of his singing over me.
"That is the way, mein geliebtes Blumenkind," said the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past as he wrapped his voice and arms around me. "Choosing to walk in the light you have no matter who has and who will refuse -- that is the way to go."*
The deep peace and contentment in his glorious voice both in his singing and speaking banished pain from me -- I felt strong and ready again after that.
"I am just about to head out for a new adventure -- hunting down a Bitcoin hub to go introduce myself and Hive -- want to come?" I said.
*"Natuerlich, Frau Mathews -- you know how I love musicians discovering the uses of technology! I would have had Wagner discovering personal computing in 1988, doing what you are doing writing music! But you on Zoom, sending folks on to Heaven across the country because they hear the echo of that love in your singing and playing -- you on Hive, blessing and inspiring all around the world with your singing and playing -- I love it all! So, you are going to expand your footprint in that, in your home city? Let's do it!"
He was dancing me around the room in his joy ... I just leaned in and let it happen, and noted his appearance of age ... scarcely mid-fifties ... a joyful big brother, in essence, delighting in his little sister's growth in life, eager during the times their separate lives allowed him to enjoy not just her looking up to him, but her growing on that to introduce him to new learning, for he embraced discovery and wonder too. There had been some of this with my grand old soldier, but that age gap was so wide ... I could not have seen that then, but it occurred to me at this point ... it was not so much a matter of age, though, but of eagerly stepping out to explore in a blessed world.
"I like that idea," my companion purred. "Remember last July I kidded you about 'The Further Adventures of Herr Altesrouge and Frau Blumenkind'? Covid-19 interrupted, but it is still July!"
"July 2025, but we'll take it," I said. "We will trust that whatever land we are brought to is where we are supposed to end up, led by the Blessed Hand to explore a blessed world."
"That's the spirit!" he said. "Oh, to have come to the summer in which all the lessons poured into you are setting fruit -- I am so excited I can scarcely contain myself, but these city buses can only handle so much bass bouncing around, so I will -- for now!"
Along the ride to Presidio National Park, I enjoyed him taking in more of the city from a perspective I was used. His eyes grew wide as we passed through Presidio Gate, and down the long, still-wooded hill. That division from the workaday city was a pretty passage.
"Indeed, you have chosen well, mein Blumenkind," he murmured. "A path apart from the routines of the city ... indeed, in terms of your personal development, this makes wonderful harmony, deeply connected with the history you are rooted in ... a home for men like your father and grand old soldier for a century after it was prepared as a great portion of San Francisco's protection from potential Confederate attacks during the Civil War. The gold here then was the target ... so now, mein goldenes Blumenkind, you come here to step forward potentially in a more protected way ... it makes wonderful sense!"
"I hadn't thought about all that when doing this in real time," I said, "but indeed, you are a masterful interpreter, working to make the internal external."
"You remember that interview," he purred. "I have since observed about you, through your music when you compose, and when you improvise an alto harmony... you honor the melody, but there are so many interesting inner journeys in your music, inner lines ... that is how you think, and a careful interpreter of your music will bring those out. So, in your walking and journaling, you must do the service for yourself ... and of course, you were called to me, of all basses of yesteryear, to help you.
"I add this as the core portion of your lesson today: your two earlier realizations are true, but incomplete. You are 35 years into community service, so of course it is your first inclination to think of who else you might serve with the knowledge you are gaining, only to find yourself more and more drawn into situations in which no one you know can follow you. Of course it sets up a struggle within you, because your understanding is incomplete, but we will complete it more today.
"Yes, you have been given much to bless around you, Frau Mathews, but understand that whatever has been given to you has been given to bless you first, and not always for anyone else at a particular time. Sometimes, Frau Mathews, what is for you is just for you, and it cannot be otherwise because you too must reap what you have sowed. This removes the matter from condemnation of those who have not done the work; it is not a judgment on their worthiness of love, care, or service. It is just a fact.
"It is also a fact that you have the right to be supported from all that you are given to minister with, no matter who does not choose to be ministered to. Your calling does not come from the people you serve and love. Remember the lesson of Strauss's 'Der Einsame,' and never let the opinion of people have power over you in that way."
"Here is another fact: there never was a bridge, and yet an African American woman in San Francisco has gotten to high levels in everything she has set her mind to, and that is not according to general world expectations in the past 2,500 years under European domination. Yet you will be welcomed, Frau Mathews, where people are of your mind: looking to bring others to blessing as well. You will not be welcomed anywhere else."
"That was the kindest, most noble way to say that," I said, and he smiled sadly.
"An old German had best speak kindly and humbly in such matters," he said, "and yet, to whom he loves, he also had best speak plainly. We are going to find people who do not want to be found, and there can be many reasons for that. You yourself are practicing invisibility, so it need not be an ignoble reason. But we need not know any of the reasons. They are either a match for what you are called to, or they are not. Simplicity!"
"Indeed -- oh, I think this is a good place to stop," I said, and pulled the bell.
In the next two minutes we were on the streets of the Presidio, on a lovely day of both sun and fog. No matter the perceived time constraints, we had to stop and enjoy the beauty of the day ...
... and enjoy the company of others also enjoying the day.
The Presidio is a very, very large place to search on foot, but we got off where we might ask the leasing office where to find the hub we were looking for ... but they had no clue but to send us on to the visitors center ... where they had no clue!
"Now, that is what I call two bad signs -- when you work in your neighborhood, and your neighbors don't even know where to find you," I said.
"Not promising, indeed," he said as we came out of the visitors center. "I am surprised there is no directory of businesses at the visitors center, but then, Frau Mathews, it is actually a mixed-use national park, so tourists are the main concern."
"The photograph's the only clue," I said, and showed him. "That's taken from at least two stories up, maybe three, and there's a long, thin, parking lot -- so there are none of those where we walked up from."
"There is a long green field here in front of us, and buildings tall enough," he said.
"I see that," I said. "That's a mile of walking ahead of us if we are not close ... so we shall have our walk!"
"How delightful!" he said, and gave me his arm as we went on rejoicing to see the beauty of summer contrasting with the old brick ...
... and the loveliness of roses that smelled of cloves along the path at many places...
.. and flowers whose leaf accompaniment already was playing the tune of autumn...
... but presently, construction stopped us in our tracks -- we could go up no further, but the building to our right had on its directory, "House of Web 3."
"You don't suppose -- you think the bitcoin hub rebranded?" I said.
"You are the expert, Frau Mathews, but from what I have read about Bitcoiners, they are not always as open to other crypto projects -- there's something called the 'Bitcoin maxi,' I believe."
I recoiled.
"Pay attention to your own reaction, Frau Mathews; it is telling you something," he said gently.
I stopped -- I didn't rush on for a moment.
"I feel like the place I was supposed to find might be House of Web3," I said, "because before I was a Bitcoiner, I was a Hiver, and Web 3 gave me the key to everything else in crypto. But there is only one way to find out!"
"Yes!" he said, and smiled and opened the heavy door for me.
At once to a bright inviting staircase...
... and from there to a bright, inviting space with a knowledgeable, open manager who understood his assignment, even though I did not know to request an invite and just showed up.
He had never heard of Hive, but I blessed him with a copy of my book and told him about all the wonderful things Hive has been doing in the world in its five-year run, and about how it is open for everyone who can create proof of a brain in good content creation, gaming, and development, around the world. I then asked about events, and he showed me how to sign up for the newsletter, where to find the event calendar, and gave a tour of the facility and who is doing what in the space. I found out a lot of crypto projects I am interested in are well-represented there on a local basis because they wrap around the core idea of solving human problems in a free and decentralized way!
There was just one problem ... not even the folks at House of Web3 knew for sure where the other crypto hub was, but in looking from their windows, I knew we were close....
"That is a mirror-image view to the photograph," my companion said.
"They are over there somewhere, but we don't know exactly where," the gentleman said.
"Well, maybe I was meant to find House of Web3!" I said.
He smiled, and my companion all but danced down the staircase singing "Selige Welt" again, for in that song, there is no blessed isle, but in a blessed world, guided by the Blessed Hand, where you land is right where you are supposed to be, and you can trust that!
"Well," the manager said after he and everyone in the space had gathered in shock, "Web 3 does bring people joy, so we're glad you both enjoyed your time here!"
As we went back outside, I knew already: mission accomplished. I had one crypto hub in mind but I was meant to find another, and had done so. If I were not a stubborn woman, I could have been headed home an hour earlier.
"Aber nicht mein Eisenblumenkind!" my companion said with a laugh. "Not my Iron Flower Child -- you are going to get all that you came for, of course!"
By this time it was clear the fog was soon going to overtake our position as we crossed the field...
... but it was a lovely place to be doing too much walking...
"Lean more upon me, mein Eisenblumenkind ... I do not chide you. I am your friend, and should that last 10 percent of anemia remind you in full why this might not be the best idea for you and have you fall out into my arms, I will sing all of 'Death and the Maiden' and stand in for Death -- but just take you back and tuck you in at your house!"
"If you do not stop with the foolery immediately!" I said, and we laughed and kept on ...
... until we found a sign merely marked "North Lobby" and "South Lobby" with arrows. We had come to the North Lobby, not least because the South Lobby doors did not even have doorknobs; they were all exit doors only! Only the North Lobby had a way to get in!
"Looks like the right place -- they barely want you to get in here," I said as we stepped up to the very last door.
"Pay attention to what you already know, Frau Mathews!"
There was a directory, and unobtrusively, there it was ... an elevator with strangely padded walls ... a place at the top with some lovely signage but a large and strangely empty place with many rooms that were dark. It appeared abandoned.
"Hello, [name of place that doesn't want to be found] ... anybody home?" I sang out.
Just barely ... the assistant manager was, and one developer at work ... apologies that the main guy wasn't there, and nobody knew when he would be back ... I gave a book to the assistant, and one for the manager ... that big Bitcoin on there woke my interlocutor up. I asked about the reason it was so hard to find the spot. He said it was security reasons ... I could see there were a lot of technological assets in the space... basically for developers, although the spot is just about to add programming for people not as heavy on the technical pieces, and those are out on Meetup. I've checked some of those and they are interesting, but as for the hub itself ...
"Not a match," I said.
"No less, no more than that," he said.
By this time, the fog had come in, lending a dreamy aspect to the scene as we began our walk back to the visitor center ... perfect for a dance by Federico Mompou, preceded by a thoughtful piece of great feeling.
It was misty at this time but not unpleasant, and occasionally it seemed that a drop effervesced against my skin... it took me a little while to think to look up about a foot and to my left, for my companion was blocking much of the prevailing wind. He was glowing up as if a personal ray of sunshine had found him ... quietly overjoyed to the point of weeping.
"I am so happy for you, Frau Mathews," he said softly, his voice full and shimmering like an aurora on a midnight sky, "so happy for you, to have seen you in your power this day, climbing through obstacles, finding unexpected avenues and taking them, and still making time to enjoy the journey. I knew in the years that you were close to death from grief that if you just kept going, you would climb to heights you could not imagine, and this is still just the beginning! Ach, mein Herz jubelt für dich -- mein Herz jubelt für dich -- mein Herz jubelt für dich, meine liebe Dame, mein geliebtes, goldenes Blumenkind!"
By this time, we had reached the field to cross it again, and I had an idea.
"Kind of a field of dreams as it appears now," I said. "A lovely place for a celebratory dance."
He looked at me as if I had offered him an entire dream come true and swept me away, up and around and down that field and back to the visitor center to catch the bus that would take me toward home, in due time.
