At times we are consumed by this need to explain our actions. As humans, we always look for validation in one way or another; from ourselves, other people whether we are right or wrong. From my perspective, that is how I see it.
A lot of times, I have these reflections. It is not something I plan for. I could just be sitting, on the bus or even doing house chores, and then I begin to replay series of events in my head. This used to be a bad thing for me as I would replay the bad things over and over and then beat myself up for nothing.
But when I discovered how to really channel these thoughts, I realized I could learn new things every time I pondered on the same thought. Be it good or bad. The human mind is a powerful thing.
Today, I want to talk about something I learned a few days ago. It was one of the toughest moments for me but that is how we learn in life yeah. Before I go ahead and give you the story, I'd like to show you something that Milly replied to me that opened my eyes while I kind of struggled:
Yeah, I had moved past it a long time, but an incident made the memory resurface and I had to take a walk down memory lane.
Looking back now, I realise that what saved me was that I did not have a confrontation with the security who took the pack of cards. Chances are that someone would have walked by and overheard not knowing the details and there would have been all versions of the story. It would have been grave because I was the face of the resort.
Still, I could never fully figure out why the security guard did what he did quietly, and how I managed to read the situation fast enough to know not to react. For all the years that I worked there, I remained friendly with the security guard, and even if we chatted off the property, I have never brought up the incident, simply because I respect people's position and agree that people have to do their duties to do.
I'm not a saint, but I have morals, and my dad would have been the first to disown me if I was a thief.
In this post, @millycf1976 told of something that happened to her while she worked at a resort in Jamaica. While I read, I don't know what, but I was paying attention because I felt I could somehow learn something. Mind you, it was my first time reading anything she posted outside of prompt announcement.
When she got to the part of the security guard's and her reaction, I paused. If I was in that situation, I would immediately launch into an explanation. I would try to get him to listen to me and might even make a scene. I was both surprised and stunned by her response because, it was not in my power to be quiet! However, in that moment, I was also reminded of what happened days before in my school.
I am supposed to be writing my final exams but during the clearance registration, I was met with two bullshit stories. First was that I was given additional courses and then bumped down a semester and the second was that I had to complete those courses before I could graduate. I went home that day stressed and just tired. Mentally and emotionally.
Fast forward to exam day, I went in for my first paper. I was so excited that I had picked out my outfit the night before. Despite what the school told me, I picked myself up and told myself I would figure a way to settle extra bills.
Everything was perfect. I even went to school hours early because I couldn't get back my signed clearance before due to the Ramadan celebrations. When I finally got to school, one of the faculty heads told me my clearance papers were missing. I thought he was joking. Until I realized he wasn't.
He told me I'd have to print another clearance form. My school is almost 40 mins away. I spend quite the transportation to get there. The only thing I had on me was transportation back home. I explained this to him and he told me to just go to the computer cafe and tell the guy to print it. So, I did, assuming he'd pay. But dude came in and very rudely told me he wasn't paying after the printing was done. I hate confrontation but at that moment I blurted, "I wasn't the one who lost it, was I?"
I could feel the tears brimming as this meant that I might not take that exam. Frankly, I could have called anyone and asked them to make a transfer to me. Maybe even sold some HBD but my pride wouldn't let me. I'd meticulously planned what I'd use my HBD for and calling anyone for help is the last thing I'd do. My mom was at work and she had no idea how online banking works.
I kept repeating in my head, "I will not cry," then turned and left after the man made another rude comment. I did not write that days paper. Fast forward to the day of my next paper, I came in with a spine of steel. I was numb. I immediately sought out the director and reported the altercation because, fuck if I missed my exams because of some incompetent meathead and my pride.
The man came out of nowhere and overheard the conversation and then took the matter to the next level. The Director apologized to me and asked me to go make another print (which was paid for) and then he'd sign it. While I dutifully filled out the form, the man began to tell the story to who ever would listen and they happened to be two security officers.
I heard him twist the story and give a version that'll favor him. I heard the security personnel acknowledge and call me a girl without manners. At that moment, I realized that people would accept whatever story is presented to them about a person unless they filled their shoes. I was so tempted to break my silence when the man's defense was that students re-print more clearance documents and never complained. It was funny and annoying how he was preaching his incompetence and the security personnel just nodded along. Birds of the same feather...
But when the words were at the tip of my tongue, I swallowed them. Never in my life have I been silent during such times. There was always a need to defend myself, make them hear me out especially when the story was so twisted. But I didn't. I hoped someone would want to hear my side but they were obviously taken with him. I accepted it and realized that it didn't matter what they believed anyway. I liked and despised being the bad guy.
So, when Milly responded to one of my comments with this:
Yeah, there's power in keeping quiet sometimes and letting things unfold naturally.
People will believe what they want to believe, and people will say things about you that are biased/wrong, to influence other's impression of you. I am good at sensing others' reactions, but I have confidence in myself and it's a way for me to discover the weaknesses and fears of the person who speaks badly about me:)
I was reminded of that day. How did I feel? Awful. Did that change anything? No. Truth is, I learned that I shouldn't bother with people anymore. Not bother with their opinions especially when it is clearly biased. I have heard many rumors of myself but being there while it is happening is totally different. I was thrust into a different dimension and I honestly admire Milly's first response to her situation. If you read her comment, she was right when she said trying to defend yourself might just sell a different story. A wrong one. It takes guts and a lot of patience to not jump at the opportunity to defend yourself.
But why bother? They would believe what they want to anyway. Why not just save that energy and direct it to something else? In my case, I directed it to revising for my paper and I'm certain I passed that one. I have about eight more to go. Which means more transportation expenses. See?! I have more problems to worry about that some sorry mouths.
