So recently, I’ve been working on setting a boundary between my younger sister, my family, and myself. I know you might be thinking, "Boundaries for families?" Yeah! I guess that's the only way I can get rid of the burden, feel lighter, and be at peace with my conscience. I somehow believe that if I eventually succeed, I will not only have the peace and happiness I crave, but I will also earn a good level of respect.
I know as the first girl child, you are bound with the responsibility of caring for and to an extent, catering to the needs of your younger ones. You are also forced to live an upright life because they are looking up to you. Sometimes, they become what you portray, though it doesn't always happen because ignorance is always knocking at their door as they grow up.
I missed the five most important years of my sister's life from 13 to 18 years old. That was when things went south, and mom couldn't do much because she had aged, and dad was already too sick. So my sister had so much freedom that even words couldn't draw her back.
The training I received shaped me into who I am today, but life deprived my younger sister of receiving the same training. By the time I came back, she was a totally different person from me and my older siblings. I saw that we were losing her to the streets, and she felt above everyone.
Yeah! She is beautiful and sweet, but she lets it get to her head and neglects her purpose, which to me is very wrong. She prioritizes material things over love, and laziness has gotten the better part of her. She depicts different characters that don't trace back to me or our parents.
My mum would report her to me, expecting I could fix her with my words of which I tried but it didn’t work. Instead, it only drifted her further from me. With her, I had slow talks, harsh talks, calm talks , you name it! All to no avail.
The pressure from my mum to shape my sister back to a “factory reset” was unbearable, to the point I was avoiding some of her calls because I felt that's what she would talk about. So I took my sister into my home with the permission of my husband. All the while she stayed with me, she wasn’t helpful. She neither helped me with my baby nor did the house chores. Rather, she was always online streaming or chatting with her boyfriend.
One day, my baby got sick, and we were admitted to the hospital. My sister never came to visit, but instead dressed up beautifully to go see her boyfriend. As painful as it was, I cautioned her, but her response sounded like, "It's your child, your responsibility." It baffles me how she chose her boyfriend over family.
My husband never took it lightly, but he remained calm. She was rude and acted nonchalantly, so I asked her to leave my house. Of course, she left gladly, without an apology.
My mum, to an extent, sounded supportive of her behavior and told me I was supposed to pet her, knowing fully well how she is. This action made my mum and I not communicate for almost a month. Still, I stood by my decision.
Then my sister came crawling, crying profusely, and begging for my forgiveness, claiming she didn’t know what came over her. She told me that after she left my house, she went to live with her so-called boyfriend. She cooked for his family and him, cleaned the house, washed clothes, and yet received beatings often. And when she had issues with him, he would take back everything he bought for her including her phone.
The guilt I had been carrying left me, I lived everyday with fear and anxiety of where she could be. It baffles me how she left heaven for hell. I guess it was blind love in action. She eventually managed to leave the guy and now she’s seeking my help the same help she once rejected. But I refused because of the hurtful words she left us with, which opened our eyes to see what we hadn’t seen before. And now she wants us to unsee it? That’s impossible!
She has been calling and pleading for a second chance. Oh yes, she will be getting a second chance. But I want to take this opportunity to win her over and slowly pull her out of the streets and her wayward lifestyle, so that I can experience peace and satisfaction.
I’ve already created a boundary of inaccessibility between my family and myself, especially my sister. So my words and those of my husband would be important and respected too. I intend to pay for a fashion designing class for her and then, from time to time, monitor her improvement and consistency.
“I am responsible for my siblings, but if I do what I can to better your life and you reject it and waste my money, I will be forced to leave you alone.” These were my exact words to her. And I meant every word because that's the only way I could get her on track. I also called my mum and told her the same thing. Afterwards, I felt at ease, knowing I did something good for her and she was willing to cooperate.
It is not easy when the expectations of family and community come hard on you. I was depressed, knowing that anything could go wrong after she left my house and I would be blamed for it.