For some weeks now, I have been feeling less and less of a minimalist. I have been feeling this sort of rage simmering in my belly. It was really tough, as I was trying so hard to kill it. I kept wondering to myself, “Why are you so angry?” What's making you angry?”
And I couldn't figure it out. I was lashing out at any and everyone. It was easy to rile me up with just a single sentence. I have never been known to have anger issues but in the past weeks, I was known as the girl with the fiery temper. I was fighting and pushing so hard and people were starting to avoid having conversations with me, because of the said anger issues.
Last week, I and some of my coursemates were having a discussion on a very sensitive topic. As humans, there was conflict and our opinions had to just clash. It was so sensitive, that I didn't know when I was yelling at them. Tears were already gathering in my eyes even, and it was hard for me to calm down. I was so angry, that I wouldn't even walk to the park with them. But after they left, I felt so embarrassed at myself. Why did I have to lash out like that? Everyone was free to have their different opinions and I didn't need to shove mine down their throats. I knew just then, that I needed to self reflect, unless I was going to lose a lot of connections and relationships if I wasn't careful.
So, when I got home, I prepared a cold cup of chocolate tea and got my journal in front of me and I stared at the blank pages. It was time to ponder on the reasons for feeling this anger. It was difficult work, turning myself inside and out, doing the deep pondering. It was like facing a mirror, and seeing the worst version of yourself in it. But, it was mandatory for me to do it anyway.
During my self reflection, I realized that part of this rage stemmed from not having things go my way. I have had a wishlist since the ending of last year, where I wrote the most important things that I needed. And I thought that I would get them this year, that things would really align for me. So, it was a huge let-down when I realized that I hadn't gotten any of the things on my wishlist. I knew there were lots of other things to be grateful for, but it would have been a huge fulfillment and source of great happiness if I had at least one of my wishes. And it was difficult to see other people getting what I needed so easily. And that stoked the beginning of the rage. The universe wasn't fair and life wasn't fair, so I wanted to take out this anger on the universe and the beings in it.
Another reason for this anger was also the pace at which my life was going. Since I joined The Minimalist Community and discovered the meaning of minimalism, I have been consciously trying to apply it's tenets into my everyday life. Breathe, relax, savour the moments, make conscious efforts. It was working. I could feel it in the way life became easier for me. But all of a sudden, the pace became fast and rugged. I was suddenly forgetting to breathe and stay calm. I was suddenly struggling to remember my arrival at certain things - a walk home, last spoon of a meal, last page of a book - I wasn't really savoring these things. I just did them and wondered how I ended up at the results. Too fast for me. And maybe, it's because I just stopped trying.
Well, these were the two major reasons for my anger and I knew I needed to find solutions to them. I tried using the counting technique (count 1-10 before you speak when angry). But, the sad thing is I always forget to count. I'm already lashing out without even realizing it. The technique wasn't going to work. I knew that to battle this, it had to start with an internal fight; a compromise.
Patience, first of all. It's hard to believe that sometimes what we wish for, always come at their due time. But, it eventually happens. It sometimes takes too long but it happens and I just needed to drill that into my brain. “Be patient, what you wish for will come at it's due time. Just relax, and enjoy what you have in the present.”, that's what I tell myself now.
Secondly, I needed to return back to consciously putting efforts into slowing down. Savoring every spoon of my meal, enjoying every step of my walk, highlighting every quote that resonated with me, flipping each page slowly, humming to music I love. The outside world could be high and fast, but internally, I could decide to take a step back and breathe.
Then, I also needed to steer from sensitive topics that could make me flare up, unless it's very necessary for me to speak on them. For someone like me who is outspoken, it's difficult. But I realized that I didn't need to voice my opinion on everything. I could be conservative about it. And sometimes, people intentionally try to trigger someone with their words or sentences, but as hard as it is, it's better to block out the noise and just walk away.
These are the steps I have taken to tempering down the anger and inviting peace and quiet back into my life. Returning back to slow living. They are not the easiest or sweetest steps to take as I still feel impulses to flare up and rage. But, a day at a time right??
Thanks for reading.😊