The wind blows as turbulent as my life changes in its sails directed towards some unknown shores with no thought of where it will be or who will be there, only time will tell when setting sails will bring forth what is needed.
I have not posted with substance in a long while. I mean to do just this. A babble of words for someone to read and find a nugget even when the miner misses them as they search frantically like a mad man with a screw loose.
I mean why not it never is a true picture without a little madness to tell you, you are on the right path to something it means you didn't even know existed inside of you. The madman. Words sometimes enter with ideas you think you will not have the control to get yourself into trouble against yourself, You are the law after all. In your kingdom.
You are the only king in this place and you will not let even your own self take control of everything you see before you. Is there a place where you can park your mind while running into something you didn't even know was going to affect you in the first place.
Then you wonder why you even bothered to take the time to learn things when you know the voices do not leave you alone to even allow you to take action in line with what you are thinkin, then again you are saying things to your self in the first place.
I don't know what it is but I can't help but feel this doom for some reason like something is breathing down my neck all of a sudden a heavy breath exhaled as I write this paragraph something gripping me from the inside out with no other reason other than me feeling like there is no forward because there are so many things going wrong in my mind. The stoic mantra of do not bother with something you cannot control, well I can sort things out as I work on it and I am still feeling like the step forward has a two step back moment where the people supposed to assist me does not see what I have the vision for. Am I not being clear enough with how I convey my vision of something.
Then just like that the air becomes easier to breathe and i am lifted away from that dark pit I somehow mentally made for myself. I am not sure why I do it, I think I am hating life while at the same time saying I love life. I mean I am stepping forward as best as I can step forward with all this hoops I am experiencing along my merry way. I mean only a good workout seems to get my mind healthy.
Sometimes the crazy monkey swinging between branches in my head just gets the better of me. The monkey mind is all over the place without leaving where you started, swinging left and right.
Anger does nothing but ruin itself. I just read this but it is not straight quote because I shortened it and the meaning is there but the wording is not LOL. Plagiarism to the max here. HAHAHAHAHA
Now I have to put a disclaimer here folks, this post is a few days of sporadic writing here and there based on mental state, emotional fortitude and down right need to jut things down for myself so I can look back and try to reflect. Self reflection sometimes comes to me also in drips and drabs with a splashing of random brain farts between somethings with the possibility of affecting me or just a trivia kind of thought with no possibility of ever being a part of me other than if I am invited to a trivia night event. Or a random discussion with a stranger requiring some random topics to spice up the interaction.
Sometime in the future is so normal a statement that I feel like I I normalize how I say into a phrase I use to cover all the bad decisions I have made in the past, the present and the future. Is that a healthy mindset? I frankly do not know. I just hope I learn to get myself into a mindset of growing from it mentally and emotionally while at the same time learn some nuggets in the process of me saying jumbled random thoughts with hints of sanity laced with mental instability.
Then I wake up from my stupor brought on by my insane sane mentality with a smile I look at the window I created in my head through my minds eye hoping upon hope I will walk away unscathed or walk into the dark with an unlit torch ready and able to provide me with a guiding compass leading me to my true north. Is this all there is to do when things feel like the walls are crumbling and the sounds have no substance. Like a scream in the dark.
Now I have written all these thoughts into a cohesive but not an organized way where things can make sense of what I have inside of me but then again I think the failure in my part is being able to really get all and everything into a pattern where it is easy to comprehend for myself and those of you who bother to get this far into a thought write up where I feel like I have tried to spill the beans on myself yet only manage to somehow only achieve to get things into a small gem where looking at it will result in something I think is worthwhile to read.
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