Just a short rant in the middle of the night. I can’t sleep so why not writing the thoughts that bothers me?
Okay, it’s been days since I last published a post on my internet space. I just don’t feel like writing anything. I have a lot of ideas that I already took notes of just in case I want to write, but I don’t feel anything.
This image is AI generated using Bing AI. Prompt: a college guy not wearing a uniform in his room trying to study while doing a freelance writing work and feel tired
I always feel guilty for not writing — it started to become a habit, but now, I have missed days without writing anything.
I don’t know if this guilt comes from my own personal expectations or the pressure of maintaining an audience, but either way, it bothers me.
I am aware of being unproductive at work (yes, I treat writing as my job and hobby), but despite that, I still choose to rest.
I think of different alternatives to become productive. I walk outside, I read and consume content, and I socialize to find inspiration, but still, no action was taken.
I even thought of starting my personal brand on the internet — even though I already started this years ago, I don’t feel that I have succeeded. I still earn a little, and I feel that writing will never be on my side.
I recently found out that my [virtual] friends have jobs now as writers, and I can’t stop thinking and comparing myself to them.
One of them is also a student like me, so I can’t use that as an excuse to justify myself for not being successful.
Also, it’s been more than a month since classes started — as usual, I am busy. We have quizzes every week that serve as our pre-board exams, and I always feel exhausted because I have to review in advance just to pass them. Believe me, they are difficult considering the short time for review.
Then, I was also thinking about how I can expand my personal brand and online presence on the internet, but just thinking about it is already tiring — and I think that is one of the reasons why I haven’t started yet.
Not to mention, there are a lot of expenses coming up because of our thesis, so I have to work hard while juggling my studies.
There are a lot of things to consider when you are not financially privileged. I envy those people who were born rich and have generational wealth — I am satisfied without the latter.
The only thing I want is just to study normally like what a real student should be doing, and not studying while working.
I want to have money, and that is why I try to work hard on my own so I won’t be a burden to my parents. I know that they are also tired.
I just do what I need to do. I only have one semester left to finish, pass, graduate, and get that degree.
So yeah, this is just a short rant — I don’t think I am losing my interest in writing. Maybe I am just burnt out because of the past few days. Maybe I am just thinking a lot of things. I am so busy, and I just want to rest sometimes.