I live in a beautiful world. A beautiful, vibrant, harsh, painful world where reality sometimes dress as a fantasy.
It's like waking up in a valley of flowers. It's the most awesome and inspiring sight all around. Then the shadow of the mountains move over slowly - too dark, too soon.
Then the night comes.
There is always a beautiful morning to wake up to though. Sometimes it's the only thing to wait for.
I lived a normal and ordinary life (I thought), unaware of the reality I live in. A reality, seemingly mine alone.
Then my reality hit me in the face.
Some time after I turned ten I was walking home from the shop one afternoon. We stayed on Nelson Street and some of the children in my class also stayed there.
I walked past an open gate and saw two girls standing on the front porch of the house. It was a classmate of mine, Ronel and blonde girl I did not know.
Ronel motioned to me to come to her and I turned up the garden path. Up to this moment I wish I never did. You know what they say about regrets though.
The girls were in a fun mood. I don't know if it was a dare they concocted or if Ronel was just brave enough in the moment to speak her mind.
When I stopped in front of her she asked, "do you love me?" I came up with the best smart-ass answer a ten year old boy could come up with on the spur of the moment.
As the words left my mouth I realized it did not sound the way it sounded in my head. What I said was hurtful, damaging, especially to a ten year old girl just finding her feet. I left a scar I will forever regret and never forget.
As she turned away into the arms of her friend standing ready to comfort and wipe away the tears. Then it hit me. Terrifying pain and humiliation and a bunch of other emotions only women can describe.
I turned and walked home, went into my room and started rummaging with the whatevers I usually kept myself busy with. I tried to make it go away pretending nothing other happened than the clock hanging over the kitchen door ticking on it's way to Oblivion.
Nothing did not happen. For almost an hour I struggled with the surging emotions. I knew I felt stupid and sorry that I hurt her. Those I knew were my emotions. The rest of the emotions I struggled with, unable to understand where it comes from. Why do I feel like this?
When the emotions finally subsided I closed Pandora's box. I forced the incident out of my mind and out of my memory. In my heart I knew I felt someone else's emotions. It scared me out of my mind.
I went on my not so merry way though, protecting myself by becoming more forgetful and paying less attention. Unwittingly avoiding people and when I couldn't, avoiding touching.
An intelligent, talented child, unable to remember the right answers, unable to reach goals, unable to connect to people.
The nightmare only started. All I could hope for is to wake up tomorrow morning.
What woke me up 30 years later may have even made it worse or maybe it made it better.