If I were but a radio. I am not though. I got used to small intrusions in my emotional world. It's almost like the hum of the old fashioned neon lighting, constant, mind numbing and possible to get used to.
This constant emotional background noise are from family and friends and people moving around me are unavoidable. Some days its comforting to be able to feel there are people. Its not that disruptive.
More difficult to deal with is the visitors like Mario and Ronel and the girl in black (I don't want to run into that one again.) who impose a serious emotional wave. Usually it is harsh, painful and displaces everything else in my mind.
These three are not the only ones I came across. They were all key. I didn't tell you about the girl in black yet, did I. This one were another unsettling first.
One quiet, reasonably peaceful afternoon I saw one of our customers walking while on patrol. She were walking away from me and as I approached I realized its not the customer I thought. (No email to the company telling them what a good end courteous ARO I am that day)
It was a young lady in black tights and a black top with long black hair. Up to this day I don't really remember her face. I'll never forget what followed.
When I realized that it is not the customer I thought, I passed her and turned around going back to continue on my normal rout.
As I came closer I felt the anger. She were looking at the ground. Her mouth moved but I couldn't see it clearly. I could hear her voice clearly though. "I can't believe it. He turned around to see what I look like. Really. I can't believe it."
At the last few words I were moving past next to her and she lifted her head. I could lipread the last few words. What she were saying I were hearing. It took a few moments to settle in my mind.
I were driving a Diesel pickup that were noisy enough to wake up light sleepers when I idled past their homes at night. I had the windows closed. I still heard every word clear enough that I would recognize her voice if I ever hear it again.
I took a while to get used to that idea.
Apart from background noise and disruptive visitors, there are those that will be forever in my heart and mind. Strangely they are harder to deal with.
I got used to crying for dead people I don't know. I can live with missing someone I never met. I can bear being scared of ghosts that never haunted me.
I made piece with knowing that I will experience things I never lived and spend 50% to 70% of my life being depressed. I still love my life.
I am still wondering how to explain all of this to my wife.
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