Not me but still me

Today I struggled to bring it all together; It was a difficult day of reflection and contemplation and whilst I don't want to go into it here I will say that it deeply affected me and my ability to function as normal, in my real-world job and here on hive also.

For many days I have posted here on the blockchain. In fact over the 1402 days I have been on the platform I have posted 2132 times including this very post...That's 1.5 posts per day for every single day I've been here. Over that time I've never really had a problem with writing; It's seemed to come easy and my average word-count is something like 800 words per post so clearly I write a lot and with relative ease.

Today I struggled to find a word

When I write here I apply three simple things being effort, personality and passion. I find that in combining these elements I'm able to put something together that I'm generally happy with. I say, I'm happy with, because I mostly write for myself here understanding that the majority of people will never read my posts anyway. Writing for myself provides value though and so I inject the three elements above and click the publish button...That's the reward...The publishing of my thoughts as words.

Today one of those elements was missing...Passion was elusive; It was like I felt there was no point and despite trying to grasp it I couldn't seem to manage it.

I've always been a passionate person; As a kid, a young adult and as a grown man passion has defined me and driven every other aspect of me. It's been the one single element or characteristic that has pulled all the rest together like a puzzle. All the parts of me are gathered by it, combined and ordered...Mostly vibrant coloured puzzle pieces, but sometimes just shades as well. They are all me and are all concatenated through that one single element - Passion.

Today...Not.

It's interesting because yesterday I injected so much passion into my daily post that it spilled over into my real world as I wrote it; I refer to this post. And yet I sat today staring into space looking inwardly trying to find something, passion, which usually comes so easily.

I can't function without passion and the attitudes and actions it inspires in me and, whilst I can turn it off, be callous, cold and dispassionate, being that man is so against the grain that it cuts me...I've done it of course but it exacts a toll that I'm no longer willing to pay. And so passion.

Occasionally in my professional life I've been asked what one element I've brought to the fight, the attributes that have helped me find personal-success, and my answer is always passion...It's the platform from which everything else launches. Sometimes people say, but what about hard work, training, punctuality, technical skills, ownership, leadership skills, responsibility, results-focus, and so on...Yes, all important...But without passion one is unlikely to deploy any of them effectively and so mission-success will be difficult to find. Passion...For me it's where my life starts and I like it that way; Just my opinion.

Today I went away

I was absent today. Somewhere else; Still visible of course as I haven't yet perfected invisibility, but absent nonetheless. I had to find something, the passion that is usually the greater part of me. I moved through my work day robotically and then just went home at 1100. There was no point being there...I had to find passion as I'm useless without it.

I read some words and listened to a little music, looked at a few photographs and closed my eyes...Not sleeping, just seeing inwardly, and emerged a few hours later with a little more clarity of self.

Writing helps me order my thoughts. It helps to put my thoughts at arms length I guess; I can see my thoughts better when they're written. It's as if the writing takes the swirling thoughts in my mind, organises them and the journey they take from my brain to the keys and screen takes me on a journey also. Then clicking that publish button is like a confirmation of sorts, an agreement with myself. It says, yes, that's how I feel and that's what it means to me, no matter if I've written the thoughts clearly for others to read or just alluded to them.

I'm not a perfect man; I'm the antithesis of perfect actually. I'm ok with it though, provided I can tick some internal boxes and perfection is one of those. I show it, generously give it to those who deserve it and I crave it in return, from those who love me...And from myself. Today it was difficult to find, elusive, like trying to grab and hold onto smoke...But whilst sitting there with those words, the pictures and music I surrounded myself with I found it; A method I've used in the past.

We are all many things and what one sees on the surface of a person isn't always what lies beneath - There are many factors. It could be one's past, present or thoughts of the future also; They all combine to make us who we are...Everything in life affects us, all of those moments I wrote about a few days ago in another post...They make us who we are, good or bad. Today I felt bad, but then felt ok, a condition that endures as I write this. Passion is responsible on both counts; The loss of it and the rediscovery of it. I can't be any other way - I'd not be me without passion and wouldn't want to be.