Over the years I have come to realize that I may fit the "Jack of all trades, master of none" category where I would learn skills and once I've learned them / become good / become satisfied with the knowledge I got, I become uninterested and move on to learn another thing. I've struggled with this a lot since childhood and which is why identity is so important to me because I'm struggling to know where I stand and where I "belong". While others have already formed their identity in the teenage years, here I am as an adult still looking for it.

Earlier this year I have been diagnosed with ADHD which explains everything that I have struggled with. Among them are not finishing projects because I get bored and move on to another thing that I find interesting.

Since my diagnosis, I am accepting all of my quirks and just going with the flow with what I want to do at the moment. This is good of course, but I can't stop wondering if this is good long term.

As you may have noticed, I am now hyperfixated on anything makeup. This is what I am, when I get interested in things, I tend to give my everything. That's all I think about for months. I am very motivated and focused. It's so intense when it happens that it feels like this is going to be what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Which is why I created Instagram and some other social media accounts.

Literally every hyperfixation I get, that's how I would feel... even though I know it will fade and soon I will find some new things to learn.

Now, here comes the struggle:

Jumping from one thing to another is not good long term. Sure, I gain skills and when someone asks me about one topic that I have previously hyperfixated about, I became so knowledgable that you would think I have years of experience but in reality I only have 3 months of time to learn that thing lol.

It's fun to gain different skills and knowledge but the question is what do I want to do as my 'main thing' on the long term?

What is my MAIN QUEST?

The reason why I don't really promote my social media accounts for makeup that much is because I don't know how long this will last. At the moment I am for sure this will last long term but I am not fooling myself, I know this will fade eventually and I will need to willpower my stuff to remain doing the same thing.

This is about changing careers in people with ADHD which is a known struggle for those who have it.

Even though my interests are related to creativity, they are still quite a different niche.

I want to do makeup, I want to take photographs, I want to make videos, I want to make art, I want to do gameplays and streams. These are the ones I want to do at the moment.

At some point, I know I need to make a decision. Which one is my main quest and which ones are the temporary hobbies. In this world right now, changing careers is not a viable option unless of course I am rich and have no financial responsibilities and needs.

Let's talk about makeup stuff

We are not new to social media so we know that you need to be consistent if you want to gain followers and stuff like that. Yep, I want to do this. But here's the thing: Once I lose interest, all of those efforts are wasted since I'd mostly abandon it and even delete the account once the dopamine wears off. Then I begin to question myself, what if I just used all those energy into one thing and grow one account? Yep.

Once things become quite real, I become scared.

I want to take things slowly with makeup accounts since like I said I don't know if this will last. I am still dipping my toes in it. But when opportunity arises and I'm not ready yet, I worry.

In that screenshot, a makeup brand with 1.2 million followers on Instagram noticed my video and shared it on their social media which you can see it gained 22,000 views. Very far from the amount of views I gain on my own. And this is just a month after making the makeup account. And I had 11 followers that time if I remember correctly haha.

There were 2 brands that wanted to send me PR (free products) as well... and it seems that I really have the potential to be big. But I don't want to disappoint people when they find out they followed me for nothing haha.

What other stuff you want?

There is @hiddenblad3 as well which is another thing that I really want to do or commit to. I love playing games and for me it's chill and I also want to overcome the awkwardness and fear of being perceived but of course it also takes a lot of time. From preparing myself mentally and physically, setting up my PC and the camera and such, to recording and editing the videos. It takes a lot of mental and physical energy for me but I really enjoy doing it.

Do I see myself doing it long term? Yes.

Well, there's also another thing

Well of course there is art that I really have as my main quest but I have paused doing for years now. I really want to do make art because I feel empty when there's no creative outlet and I do see this as a career as well. I am getting back to it and am actually continuing my unfinished art at the moment haha but yeah it really makes me think what thing am I gonna focus on?

All of them takes time and mental effort and energy and if I am just able to choose and focus on one, I think will be very successful fast.

ADHD as a superpower?

I see this a lot and while some ADHD people are able to harness that and are able to manage their life, it's not true for most of us. I mean, sometimes we do feel like it is a superpower and for me I have a lot of experience on that but in general ADHD just feels so disabling.

First of all, I have no control over my interests and what to hyperfocus and hyperfixate on. I can probably harness that at some point but as of the moment I am still figuring myself and learning to live and accept the way things work for me.

One thing I know for sure though, if I really want it, I can do it. No exaggeration. For people who are into spirituality, it will be like "the universe is aligned" with me or something like that. In scientific terms, it's the excellence in pattern recognition, ability to hyperfocus, good with urgency and crisis, and my brain able to understand and learn things quickly if it has my attention.

Ok so

So yeah, just a struggle on which one to focus on or to commit to. I want to do a lot of things but that sounds like a difficult one to do long term especially when things start to become demanding. I do know others can manage to do A LOT OF THINGS at the same time especially when they have a team to do things for them but that's also one problem for me hahaha because I don't want to work with people. XD

If I can clone myself and each has one thing to focus on that is definitely being overpowered lol.

Not complaining or anything, just wanted to share this.