Hello guys it's Ish again and it is been almost 3 weeks since my last post here. For today's blog is an entry for Sketchtember 2023 | ArtPark Weekly - Week 2. I chose the word "Comfort" from the prompt list for week 2 because I think it really fits for the month of September as Awareness Month.
Story of The Art
Honestly, earlier I couldn't decide on which community should I post this blog, I was thinking first of posting it on SketchBook because it's an art entry but I ended up posting it here in Rant, Complain, Talk Community. I don't just want to show the progress of my work but I also want to highlight my thoughts or the story of the art so I decided to make a real-time Unspoken Poetry or Unspoken Words and Thoughts that running in my head right now.
It is funny that I smiled and laughed so hard seeing people I called friends for being successful, building their own families, and winning life. But honestly, I was laughing at myself thinking that I was special and Important to those people, maybe... I am.
I have a lot of different circles of friends or people who only know me and I also know them. I am the person who will never be the first choice but still, if someone needs my light I give it to them, for someone who needs a shoulder and ears I'm always here to listen and to lean on, and when someone is losing hope I lift them up to show my support. They knew me as being chill, calm, witty, someone with a sense of humor, talented, supportive, and a happy guy. Yeah..... I used to be that guy, I can do all those things at the same time to all the people that I gave my respect, admiration, care, and love even when I'm struggling, I choose to do these things and be kind most of the time because it heals some part of me and it also gave me purpose.
A Listener needs a Listener too, Healers need Healing too, and Pain Change People. For almost the past two years, I have known and seen that everything and everyone changed a lot, and so do I. Pain that hurts the most will never be from your enemies, it comes from those people you cared for and loved. Traumas piling up from past to recent one, I don't know how to recover, I'm not healing, no one is..... it will be scars that we will carry for the rest of our lives. On that day I saw the same pattern of my past traumas, the trauma of abandonment, betrayal, and for not being enough and appreciated. Even though I did my best it wasn't enough, it will never be. I decided to take down all my social accounts, I ignored people, I isolated and locked myself in my room, and I put walls and boundaries on everyone just to have peace of mind. I did these things because at that time I felt that I was alone, I didn't know anymore who was being real to me, I also felt people joining together and talking shit behind my back, liked people hated me, I also talking to myself saying and asking "Are these people are my people? People that I call friends?" even my relatives, they are not my people. And If we still have communication at that time it means that I trust you, I respect you and you are special to me.
I found peace in solitude but at the same time, I loose a lot of people. My absence and silence speak to them and they start to notice that, they are trying to reach me and to have a talk with me and message me saying that they are concerned and worried because they know that if I'm having a bad time or a problem I will message them right away and speak out but I Ignored them all, but I remembered one person I talked to before I take down all my accounts, and our last conversation and words she said to me
"Salamat, na sumagot ka, Dito lang ako ha, pag okay kana, message mo ko. Basta alam mo yan, Yakap Mahigpit, Babangon din tayo."
it means "Thank you, you replied, I'm always here, when you feel that you're okay and good, message me, as long as you know that, Hug Tight, We will rise up". I'm still not okay but this person who checked on me a year ago she just passed away this year, I never had a chance to check up on her when she struggled and needed help, I wasn't there for her, I'm in peace at my solitude. This was one of the regretful scenarios in my life that I will carry until the end for not checking up on her.
And For those people who messaged and worried about me for the past years If I answer all these messages today the things that I can say is.....
"Sorry, I know that there are still some of you who are genuinely concerned and worried, Sorry that I ruined our friendships or our relationships we had by ignoring you, being cold, and pushing you away and It's not your fault, I already blamed myself, for having these Traumas, Mental, and Trust Issues, I know everyone had these issues too but I came to the point that It is hard for me to give trust to people, I don't even know what to do or to react when someone gives me compliments sometimes cold and sometimes I just mirroring them all, it's hard for me to reach out or speak out to few people I trust, knowing that you guys also have battles and struggles in life that you need to win and I don't want to cause a trauma bond and to be a burden. And look who wants to be with a broken, toxic person who's spreading negative thoughts and lots of issues in life? In our world, it's hard for a man to show his soft side and be vulnerable because in our society men should be strong and hard not soft and sensitive, So no one... I would rather be alone even though sometimes I feel lonely than be ignored, avoided, neglected, and not appreciated. But I did reach out to some of you, and even though I knew already the answer I still wanted to know your thoughts, advice, and opinion, and even it always be.....
"IT'S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY, BUT LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO ALWAYS BE SAD, LOOK AROUND HAVE GRATITUDE, BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE NOW THAT YOU WISHED BEFORE, AND COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, LET IT GO, AND MOVE FORWARD, IT'S NOT THE END KEEP CREATING AND DREAMING."
All of my thoughts that I put here are not for complaining about what I've been through, I just want to be heard, I owe a lot to all of you and you don't owe anything from me, I'm less fortunate, I always rely on you guys so giving back the support and love that you gave only I can do is to be the listener if you need someone to listen to your rants and problems, a loyal supporter to your business and careers, a person that lifts you up if you feel hopeless and I will still be the light to everyone when you feel lost in your darkest days."
All of these would be a lie if I said that I'm not jealous of others, I envy them not just because they are successful, or already have built their own families. I envy those people who have companions and partners who even if they are both struggling they still stick together and support each other, no one leaves they stay and fix the problems. It sounds like a trauma bond but it is what it is, I still envy those kinds of relationships, but not everyone who's in a relationship shares their struggles with their partners because they know that it may affect them too. In some parts I admire them for being strong, being in a war alone without involving their partners, and enduring all the pain in silence until they get back right on their track.
My art piece is not just about my story but also for those people who are at war fighting alone with all their demons, people have been abandoned, bullied, betrayed, neglected, and disrespected by other people and even by their loved ones, people who feel empty, lonely, and tired, people who feel stuck in hopelessness, and can't describe and tell how they really feel to others because they will never understand. I just want you to know that you don't need someone to fix you, no one can save us, only the person who can save us is the person we always see in our mirrors, it's easy to say all these things but yeah.....SELF COMFORT is all that we have for now but I also showed here through my pictures progress of this art piece that there's still someone who gives us comfort and waiting for us, it's ourselves from the future, our best versions, so we need to keep on thriving even though we can only do for now is to breathe and live, but always remember that we can start again to fulfill our dreams and to meet that version of ourselves in the future. Better days are coming and I'm looking forward to seeing each one of us being genuinely happy again.
Materials Used
- Mechanical Pencils
- Sketch Booklet
- Pencil Eraser
- Markers and Pens
- Adobe Photoshop CC 2015 Edition
So yeah I think that's it for this blog and see you on the next one.
