note: life blog ahead, as in a day in my life. i'm still figuring out how to return my posting streak so i'm taking a break from all that poetic juices scattered somewhere in my brain. i feel like i needed another scratch paper to scribble into.
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Dear diary and me,
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Today I'm writing another of my diary series that contains all of my frustrations in my everyday life and my way of coping with them. How has it been as a student who struggles with learning and dealing with the life behind the screen altogether? I say it is difficult. Two years had gone by and the online learning set-up still did not seep into my immune nerves, despite it being universal risk prevention that I needed to swallow each passing day. However, I am somehow happy to say that we will be having our laboratory classes by next week. Yay! But still, lectures are to be held virtually in an alternate manner based on the class majority votes we had in our last virtual meeting.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Of course, I voted for the opposite. As much as I dislike how my corporate email is currently bombarded with homework, I still prefer to have my lectures in my school despite the heavy traffic and difficulty in having to commute because my tuition fee would definitely cost the house's annual bills. And I'm not enrolling in a university just to fall asleep in an online class while my internet is buffering. I need to make that money worthwhile because we don't sweat coins here, you know. I mean, literally.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I just think that at home, it is not my best place to be at peace and to stay focused in a 4-hour lecture class. Sure, home is my comfort zone because I get to sleep well in my bed and eat without anxiety. But it's not just all that. The noise comes from the neighbourhood who thinks they live in some deserted village or whatever. The internet connection is slower than my Mathematics comprehension. And the million petty or grave things happening underneath the roof that I just cannot take all at once.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀They are just too much and I'm writing them down now with the hopes to comfort myself that this just doesn't happen every minute, so maybe there's still room for optimism. That's possible. That's a step I can take. And next week is not very far so a little more stress-tolerant in the form of academic distraction, I guess.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀If I think about it a lot is going on but nothing at the same time. No one would probably get what I'm saying but you might get the gist of it. It's just that I can't take all the noise from here during the daytime I had developed this habit of staying up late to make up for the peaceful and quiet moment I am deprived of the whole day I am trying to learn in my class. So what I'm gonna do is take a reroute to Keep Notes and revise my draft full of cobwebs all over again until I doze off on my unfinished sentences. Sometimes, I just reread my favourite book from Wattpad, spend the whole night over a manhwa or watch a movie in peace without chaos within earshot because everyone is asleep. That is the kind of rest that I mostly need.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀It's maybe a wonder why studying at night is not on the list. Well, I still study before everything else but sleeping on my readings is not my plan at all. I'm not a smarty-pants or a studious type of daughter so I don't do it religiously. I only jot down a lot of notes during class in a big notebook so I don't have to stress myself over something I cannot comprehend on the screen. That way I can flip through the pages, highlight the important details, and review them in my comfort. Just not at night, I believe. Because when I'm sleepy, there's this nerve in my brain that doesn't comprehend academic sheets. I believe I should never go past that.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀And I don't think I can spend the rest of the night frustrated over paperwork. So to relieve the stress, I do one of my hobbies, sleep, and then study early in the morning. When all I can still hear is the crowing of chickens outside.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Honestly, I haven't figured out how I lasted in distance learning until now. I'm barely putting pieces of my senses for them to work. I had many discouraging performances and scores in my senior high years and I don't think I would recover from that. The traditional way of going to school will just never be the same as attending my virtual classes. The sudden transition years ago never did me good, I admit. I also feel bad for my younger sibling for not being able to experience on-site extracurricular activities in school. And for myself as well, since I never experienced actual laboratory activities last year. To which I was always looking forward.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀I can't believe time went really fast, huh? The encouragement I embedded in me before that I would soon reminisce about these moments is what I'm exactly doing now. The pandemic, online learning and its disadvantages to students like me, and mental health risks. Pretty much what I'm insinuating to you. But despite that, I graduated. My brother did too. I made it from high school and my brother is about to take his steps. Although, good luck to him. I hope he would learn well from those lessons in Mathematics I have already forgotten. Maybe that way he would never ask me anything about finding the value of a letter.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀But you know what, diary? The rumours were really true that being in college is such a reality check. You're in a big university with students not only your age but as well as parents, professionals, and people twice your age. And you don't even get to celebrate for having only 2 subjects in your first month because both are good for 3-5 hours of discussion every day. I can't even process my thinking, how am I supposed to deal with four topics discussed in a class? Urgh.
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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀All these things I need to deal with and adapt to since it's my first year and half of my school year might be about adjustments. Maybe soon I'll get used to the flow of this new life chapter. Do you think I can make it? I hope so too.
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Yours and forever,
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Arques Wuhdrelis ♡♡
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@rks.wuhdrelis
A warrior of liberty. With ink stains on her mind and soul. Maayong adlaw! This page contains the information you might want to know about the author. She goes by the name Arques and is under the username @rks.wuhdrelis. She lives in Cebu, Philippines, and is a proud Bisaya. She is a listener of music and is currently drowning in the rhythm of her pop-punk playlist. And she reads too, either depressing or hilarious books. Words from MJ, btw.
Arques is an 18-year-old girl, on a mission to her dream college and a writer wannabe is her reputation. There's a thin line between writing and music that enthralls her mind to scribble every time she has a chance to. To write is to dream and to dream is to be free. Except for nightmares, she believes so. She fancies writing prose poetries that is usually about childhood, life, love, tragedy, something peculiar, or even unnamed emotions. Stay tuned!
Her muse is Julia Choi from the K-POP girl group, ITZY. Images from this blog are retrieved from @itzy.all.in.us on Instagram.