T’is ‘bout time for some writing therapy…
Summer unsettledness. Where to begin…?
Perhaps backtracking a month… was back in hometown of Edmonton for most of June. Delayed the trip from Revelstoke, usually taken in spring & fall to change seasonal tires on the Civic, to align with being there as witness for my cousin’s marriage signing and cat-sitting during parents’ mini-trips. I’d gotten back to Revelstoke in March to catch the last 6 weeks of snowboarding - fucking phenomenal - savored the peace & quiet of offseason, and was torn in the uncertainty of whether I’d find the summer too boring or find the busyness at the resort where I lived too much. Edmonton turned out an oddly nice change of vibe - and an unexpected contrast to appreciate how much more chill the mountain vibe is, even in spite of the “busyness” at resort out my window. So the first couple weeks of July were good - comfy, starting off lazy, with a burst of energy for bit of biking & hiking. Still hermit mode AF, though making friends with a neighbor on same vibe, enjoying the people… ok, ok, GIRL… watching, settling into the slower pace of what is.
Funny, looking back, how much more clearly it seems - that whole cycles & waves thing. How change never ceases, just when starting to settle into some sorta routine that works.
Then, that whole Mars-Uranus-Algol conjunction…
T’was a BIG one in/for the astrology world. The main event MANY astrologers had foreseen/predicted being the assasination attempt on Trump, with that conjunction occuring right on his midheaven. It don’t get much more accurate than that. Though, I was equally shocked to find out my cousin, who’s like a brother, got in another BIG car accident the same day, crashing into a tree (for a 2nd time) with his two-year-old in car… and the conjunction occuring on his CHIRON. (They were physically okay, in spite of paramedics shocked they were even alive; mentally, t’is a different story.) Oh, and lest not forget one more: my aunt falling in bathroom, hitting her head on the bathtub and requiring 20 stitches. (The conventional description of Algol being “losing your head…” I mean, jeezus.)
I can give thanks for no literal manifestations, though sure enough, did kinda “lose my head” metaphorically as lost in an abyss of neuroses over some girl on a dating app…
No idea why, but got the idea to download Hinge one day. Tinder’s a no-go as still banned, lol; and Bumble sucked even worse with practically zero women even on there in my area, so fuck it, why not at least have a peek. It started playfully, with the whole design a bit more fun with customizable profile elements & prompts. Though sure enough, after a couple hundred or so nay’s, the discouragement crept in along with reaffirmation I’m just on a different vibe than all that shit and 99.99% of the people on it. Then outta nowhere, BAM. Up pops this 22 year old hottie. Like holy shiiiiiiiite. BUT… pronouns. Ugh. Hard no. BUT, it wasn’t as straightforward to axe this one, cuz I swear to God, she looked nearly identical to the girl I’d matched & chatted with on Tinder 4 years ago right before getting cockblocked with an unexplained ban. Probably not the same girl as mighta been a 2-3 age difference, but the resemblance was haunting - and some response was necessary.
I was about to message with a like on an irresistible picture just straight-out asking if it was her, though figured that might be a bit weird, so recalibrated strategy: ”Hot DAMN!! 🔥 But those pronouns are a dealbreaker tho 😹😜" Truthfully, I didn’t expect any response, figuring she’d probably look at my profile and assess we were on different vibes, be offended by the pronoun jab, or just be turned off by yet another praise of how hot she was. But, one came in: ”ha ha. Why is that?” Part of me was content that the laughter was reciprocated, the playful approach received… BUT, a Pandora’s box had been opened. Shit. How to even answer that, without launching into a fully-autistic dissertation in cultural psychology and/or coming across as rude/offensive? 🤦♂️ If only y’all knew the scrambles my head went in for days as trying to figure that out - and clean up the mess in the psychic space I could sense was created with that opener.
I ended up answering with something along the lines of: ”it’s a dead giveaway we’re plugged into different programs with 99.9% likely incompatibility” (while leaving that 0.1% open, probing to whether she’d play ball with curiosity to explore it); ”though we’re probably looking for different things and live hours apart anyways, so all good. 🙃” And then, carried on to ask about Tinder and share an overview of that funny story. All with intent to keep things playful - keeping a fine balance of communicating I was struck by her beauty, but not just another simp; playing a little hard-to-get, mixed with some flirtatious teasing. Well, it definitely was NOT received that way. A reply came: ’well if you’ve already declared we’re incompatible, what am I doing replying to anything else you said. Have a blessed week, bye. 🤦♂️🤦♂️
More head spinning out. (Understatement.) Eventually wrote something else, offering a bit more authenticity, clarity & purity of intention from a space… and was better received as she expressed appreciation for the heartfelt message and wishes I’d started with that. More fuel for the mind’s spin out. Another message, perhaps a bit rushed, open-ended, and vague… and left feeling incomplete, lingering in limbo… with the next day or two stuck in mentally-calculating and writing out a script for how to reengage in voice. Days later, shooting a quick voice message confessing I’d led from the brain rather than heart and finally had a better answer to her question, if she was open. She was. And out came 9 minutes of voice messages, covering the spectrum of how I’ve discovered I’m neurodivergent and probably blurted out some shit that came across as rude, to a brief elaboration on how the pronoun game is merely an indicator of different cultures and wasn’t meant to imply “writing her off” (her words), to the playful intentions and counterbalancing the compliment as a means to drop defenses if coming across as too strong or simpy, to the confession of a realization I’d probably partly latched onto the pronouns as a defence-mechanism to keep safe distance from the intensity of feelings coming up when seeing her pictures and any potential disappointment of catching such feelings only to them end up in nothing due to cultural, age, and distance gaps. Yeah. 😵💫
Having sent the voice messages around noon and received nothing back by later evening, I assumed there wasn’t anything coming; eager to get da fuuuuq off the app, sent one more short written farewell with note that IF she wanted to carrying on chatting, to hit me up on IG. And so, that was all done. Like literally, a week of “losing my head” internally, likely making an ass of myself while offending/angering some random cute girl - hopefully learning some valuable lessons, whether just a final affirmation that dating apps are NOT for me or need to take an entirely different approach IF ever going on them again. Though I’ll probably just settle with the former. I ain’t about to expect sticking my fingers in a light socket is gonna end up differently next time.
Next up, was the visit with parents in Kelowna…
They got a timeshare there 25 years ago, going for a week every July, and I occasionally join for part. Always loved that place. Right on the Okanagan Lake in middle of wine & fruit country, the summer vibes… ahhh. And the girls…omg. T’is the first summer I’ve been conscious of my Human Design body/design astrocartography there - being right on my Sun-MC line - and could feel it in a different way this time; that Sun exalted in Aries & chart-ruler of Leo-ascendendant, sensing more of that fiery energy that fuelled tons of walks up & down the downtown sea wall & beach. And connecting the dots with how last time a couple years ago, had ended up playing one of the pianos setup on the street late-night after a bunch of wine, inhibitions down, getting into a Divine improvisational flow - receiving highly-unexpected compliments & praise. It’d been a year & half since I’ve played piano, so brushed up a little in the week prior to going - and sure enough, there were more of those magical moments again, impressing even myselfwith the flow creeping in past the public-performance-anxiety.
As content as I’ve been feeling with Revelstoke, the time in Kelowna - or maybe it was just the abundance of amazingly hot girls/women - got me thinking if it might be another worthy longer-term option for another home base. Odd contemplations, given the dramatic difference of the city vibe and how much I prefer the more relaxed energy in Revy; though at the same time, there’s an entirely different beauty there and part of me loves the stimulation. A couple newer condo towers in prime location really grabbed my attention - and sure enough, off went the mind again, fantasizing about a penthouse once certain crypto targets are reached. Time shall tell. Maybe I’ll be called to travel overseas again before seriously thinking about buying property; maybe the allure of travel is already wearing off and the attraction creeping in now to that specific property is indicative of a longer-term direction unfolding. That city/area always did hold some appeal, afterall.
Though sadly, this may have been the final year of/for the yearly trips. My dad was thinking of potentially selling the timeshare - and bumped into a neighbor directly across the hall who’s been looking to buy one. Too smooth & easy for both of them. No deal finalized yet, but shook on a price and feels 95% certain. I’m gonna miss that place, as it’s always been good vibes & times. (Thus, perhaps some extra motivation for the thought of buying the condo there - and something that could continue being shared with family.) And funny enough, listening to an astrologer speaking on the Full Moon in Capricorn taking place the next day, he emphasized: a time of endings.
either 1999 or 2000…
and 25 years later, closing out the circuit…
Arriving back in Revy came with perhaps another Mars-Uranus-Algol effect, as a bunch of lightning strikes a couple days prior sparked the season’s first wildfires - smoked out. Ugh. Not completely unexpected - them being a “regular” occurrence the past few summers - but nonetheless sucking, as not having fresh air to breath ain’t ideal. I’d contemplated earlier whether such a fate would be a stimulus to travel - though it hasn’t been that bad, and simply hiding out with A/C in the meantime. Though, more fuel for contemplation as to what lifestyle I would like to establish longer-term that includes the freedom to go wherever whenever, escaping smokey skies when they do occur, if Revelstoke is established as a base.
(Forgot to mention: while in Edmonton, I was on-the-fence about how to spend my birthday - whether sticking with an old tradition of family dinner or going back to Revy and spending it alone. Neither prospect appealed. So, a perfect avoidant strategy: I created a third option and drove back that day. Ha. Though on the flip side: a mini-embodiment of that type of freedom to move about at will.)
As much as I extra-appreciated being back in the mountains after the contrast of the city vibe in Edmonton, it felt like almost the reverse this time. Too quiet & boring, missing the stimulation of/in Kelowna. Da fuq.
Or maybe, t’was just the inevitable valley after a peak. Not only the stimulation of the city’s lakeside summer vibe, but the high of flirting with an amazingly stunning 19 year-old blonde waitress the first night - an energy that made me feel alive in a way I haven’t in years and set a precedent probably impossible to match in Revy until snowboard season arrives. Plus the flow on piano, enjoyment of company with parents, satisfying walks, enticement of those condos, girl-watching, bustle of energy in a couple busy cafes, and whole package. And/or with the astrocartography - perhaps the personality Venus-AC just ain’t the same degree of warmth & vibrancy as right on the body/design Sun-MC. But whatever the reasons… reality-check: life always continues with its change, ups & downs.
And sure enough, came in the news of yet more change ahead, throwing me back into hella unsettledness, just as thought was getting comfy here…
I’d signed a lease until end of next snow season (April), thinking/planning to extend another year afterwards… nope. In came an email from the owner yesterday, saying she decided to sell the place next fall. Fuck.
Honestly, the erratic, unpredictable, unstable Uranus in my natal 4th house (of home) is no joke.
It’s been pretty much impossible to stay in one place for long since I moved away at 18, and here we go again - winds of change blowing, plans thwarted, yet more “lessons in surrender (of control).”
While I’ve been contemplating buying property depending on what levels are hit next bull run, I’d guess it’d probably, realistically take a bit longer than next May. Maybe timing will line up perfectly - and I’ll be the buyer. Or if not… yet another move of all my stuff back to Edmonton again, if cannot find another rental here (which come rarely and by nothing other than Divine alignment). I’m really gonna appreciate having my own place when the time actually comes, no longer subject to other owners’ plans directing mine. (Then again, the level of cynicism & distrust is growing, such that who knows what else may continue shifting them anyways, that Uranus in 4th still what it is.)
Surely, there probably is some larger, Divine plan unfolding - whether that’s ending my tenancy in this place at the same time as buying something better, or launching me overseas for another round of travels because there’s other places I need to be, people to meet, things to do, etc. But fuck, man. “Stability” in my life when it comes to a home base… HA. Cosmic joke’s on me. And sure… “quality problems.” Though that still doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel like a kick in the nuts or a rug pull. I used to flow so much easier with this kind of change. I dunno what happened, as to why it seems so much more difficult to embrace uncertainty now. Maybe it’ll all make sense at some point in the future as looking back and seeing how everything did line up perfectly to get me to some awesome place(s). Though all that theory doesn’t soothe the inner discord in the now as feeling at mercy of forces beyond my control. Granted, there’s alot of people in way more serious situations who’d happily trade places, and I’ve got much more to appreciate than complain about - though still, emotional waves are better acknowledged, embraced, and surfed rather than denied, suppressed, and bypassed.
Yada, yada, yada. The rollercoasters of life never cease… even when it seems things may just be getting settled.
And surely, things can/do seem all the more dramatic when in the midst of emotional waves, and/or looking back on them in a context like this.
The flip side: life can also seem a whole lot less dramatic once those waves pass, in between the peaks & dips. And that’s another thing I’ve sorta been “struggling” with - often feeling as though life’s passing me by, or I’m waiting it away, constantly with this future-focus, over-consumed with plans, ideas, fantasies, and/or whatever else effectively helps numb the discomfort that’s been growing over the surrender to uncertainty.
Would the inner turmoil really change at all, were I to own both the penthouse in Kelowna and a place here at the resort in Revy? Probably not. The mind would likely just shuffle its focus to something else to rationalize as the scapegoat for its anxieties. Would travel really reenvigorate my soul with a sense of freshness & excitement? Probably not. There’d probably just be a whole other set of unknowns to get neurotic over, and a compounded restlessness without the stability of roots - distraction, wandering, escapism justified logically while still taking the same mental-emotional complexes wherever I went. Would a 19 year-old amazingly gorgeous girlfriend really bring any greater Peace? Ha. I’d be willing to test it and be proven wrong, though would realistically expect yet more insecurities to be stirred up and end up with some self-fulfilling prophecy written via the subconscious discord. But is staying totally closed off to life in extreme hermitude really serving anyone (besides ego’s desire for control)…?
It’s humbling to confess, but as continuing to progress through the Gene Keys study as the Sun passes through the gates, the reflections of just how deeply entrenched in the shadow frequencies I’ve been are stark. How trapped in the mind I’ve actually been. How repressed so much of my energy & potentials has been; how frequently I embody the reactive sides as well, keeping busy & distracted, focused on all the wrong shit; disconnected from the higher octaves of Gifts & Siddhis in the process. (And it’s hard to tell whether I actually backslid down into the shadows - as seemed much lighter & easygoing years ago - or just becoming more aware and wasn’t so much in the ‘higher’ states as thought.) The trappings of mind & ego are so meticulously architected and damn effective. God, it seems like the “shadow work” never fucking ends - *but also like it can so easily become a trap itself.
But yeah, this sense like I’m just ‘waiting my life away…’ but waiting for what? All entwined with surrender to the fact there’s much we can’t control - including the emotional waves. It’d be so much easier if life just worked like all the self-proclaimed self-help, motivational, and Law Of Attraction gurus assert as though success & happiness is as easy as following some basic-ass formula like “find the one thing you love and just do that every day…” so okay, I’ll snowboard every day during the winter, as that’s what’s floating my boat - and for the other 8 months of the year? T’would be wonderful if making music fit that idealized bill, though trying to force a creative flow into such a homogonized structure… HAHAHA. (And that isn’t laughter expressing true lightness, but spiteful, bitter sarcasm.) So okay, adaptability needed… ’do what feels good in the moment’ -> so ya download a dating app, have a couple hours of fun, then end up spiraling out into a neurotic abyss for a week. 🤷♂️😹
The mind has an incredibly difficult time letting go of its ways it thinks things “should” be, how the journey “should” unfold, etc, etc.
Though, ”it is what it is,” right…? A bit of (or a major) clusterfuck sometimes as we discover just how colossal the gap is between our beliefs/expectations and reality.
And at some point, maybe we just gotta accept how sick the mind actually is / can be - how no matter how good things might actually be in the bigger picture of things, it always wants more, different, better. How annoyingly adamant it can be with its comparisons against unrealistic ideals, seeking & projecting as though our ultimate fulfillment awaits in some perfected future outcome rather than getting onboard with some deeper part of the heart, soul, spirit that more easily recognize the beauty of the small things in the here & now and are content with the less-dramatic Peace & Satisfaction accessible in the more mundane parts of the journey.
Blah, blah, blah.
Perhaps I’ve overcomplicated it and said too much. Perhaps I’ve only grazed upon much bigger lessons & wisdom, not having said enough.
Though with the average attention span today and all the territory covered above, I’ve probably said enough. 😹🤷♂️😜