While there are many people who are born in a place, live there their entire lives, and whose idea of “travel” is a week of capitalistic tourism at an all-inclusive resort or brief visit to a different state/province, such a life seems like it’d be hell to me.
T’was only 6 months after graduating high school I left to follow a dream of living in the mountains to snowboard. And when a couple winters scratched that itch, the idea of going back to my hometown for university was discarded when discovering the allure of Vancouver - and several fresh chapters ensued in a drastically different world-class coastal city. That didn’t prove the final stop either, ending up in Thailand for a year… Phoenix for a year… Vancouver Island for a year… Bali for 5… then back to Vancouver, the hometown, another mountain town for a couple years, and back here again in the flat, boring prairie city it all started. My, how quick 40 years flies.
The plan when i left Revelstoke in December was to be back in Bali by now. (Or further back, the plan in 2020 was a totally other overseas adventure… but of course, that wasn’t the ideal year for travel. Ha.) Things got held up (due to what i attributed to the entry restrictions delayed from CONVID b.s.), so an extended stay with the parents it’s been. Yet during that time… things have been changing. Even with Indonesia officially lifting their requirements for proof of participation in medical experiments having been lifted recently, the excitement I had to return to Bali has kinda dissipated. And, I really don’t know where I wanna go / am supposed to be. Sure, there are uncertainties in life. Yet i dunno, this one, the ego hasn’t been having fun digesting. It’s complex.
Three years before I’d gone to Bali, I had a strong knowing I needed to be there. Now… no such calling to anywhere. And it also feels like I’m just sorta stagnating here, waiting on call for i dunno what to where.
This yin-yang duality… a lingering discontent with where I’m at, but awareness that it’s probably perfect at some level for the time being. A sort of peace and contentment in laying low in this comfort zone, while also almost fearful of becoming complacent in a place i don’t love and don’t ideally wanna be. An itch for a new chapter with more than this place has to offer me, and the acceptance that it would not be wise to make any moves without clarity. Etc, etc, etc.
Some days, it feels like there might be a knowing that staying in Canada will end up being the “best” option, even though i don’t particularly love the idea. Other days, that idea feels depressing AF and i worry I’m just wasting my life away here, having settled.
And sure, it’s great to have the freedom to have options. Grateful for that, yes. Though I also feel to be coming into a more experiential understanding of the whole “no choice” thing (as Human Design puts it) - that it isn’t my mind or ego in charge of dictating which next moves are correct. And there’s whole different levels of humbling in play as realizing i’m not the same person i used to be whose identity was partly formed around all those adventurous moves, and i don’t have the energy to keep picking up and restarting in new places again & again. But it’s clearly not the time for me to “settle down” yet either, and even just spending time back in my hometown - which is sorta close to it - almost feels like having my balls chopped off, disconnected from the drive to get out and experience life to its fullest.
Where in the world does my journey go from here…?
I’ve been listening to alot of Nomad Capitalistic, Offshore Citizen, and Wealthy Expat on YouTube the past years, getting perspective on options. Especially in consideration that it’s still probable crypto might amount to something in due time, the whole issue of taxes is a factor in these types of decisions. I’m not the biggest fan of tyrannical governments extorting me in order to fund their wars, and the prospect of living somewhere that is a bit more civilized in that regards holds appeal. But, tradeoffs. Even though somewhere like Dubai might be tax free, there are whole other costs - monetary and otherwise - that don’t make for clear, easy decisions.
Then, politics. The direction Canada has been moving the past three years is not one I vibe with. Yet, it’s also a bit delusional to think that it’d be entirely better back in Indonesia. Or for all the upsides to Dubai, they aren’t exactly a place reknowned for freedom of speech and human rights either. And if the whole plandemic proved anything, it’s that the “New World Order” is indeed a world order. Yeah, there is alot of shit in/about Canada that’d be fair reason to wanna ’escape’ from - but having slowed down enough to weigh in on everything, it’s not like there are that many countries in this world that are a totally ideal alternative. I mean even though alot of those guys trying to sell their services in expatriating recommend Mexico as somewhere with more “freedom,” you could very likely become a target of the cartel should they find out you got enough funds that’d make it worthwhile extracting through kidnapping & extortion. Maybe it’s part of “awakening,” that you start to see corruption is everywhere - different countries may just have different forms of it.
There are so many different factors coming into the equations of determine where to relocate internationally. Cultural and language are surely others not to be overlooked. And at this point in my life, i don’t feel all that thrilled at the idea of having to learn another language or integrate into a totally different culture in my homebase. (Though at least in Bali, I have a head start on the language and it was easy enough to provide a good form of stimulating more engaging communication with locals in a way that was more fulfilling than any connection i tend to have with people here in Canada). And then there’s the all the minutiae - visas & legalities, establishing residential foundations, finding/building communities of friends, adapting to entirely new lifestyles, etc. In hindsight, I managed it all fairly well the last couple times. Though I can’t fake enthusiasm to do it again soon.
And all the uncertainty around global governance, politics, taxation, nature of the travel industry, etc.
While some are screaming “escape Canada while you can,” it sometimes feel like the worst thing i could do is rush the decision from a fear-based motivation. And which so many changes in play everywhere, it could be way more costly to make moves prematurely than wait for clarity. (By God, how it always comes back to the “Strategy & Authority” in Human Design - mine, waiting to respond… waiting for clarity… there couldn’t be a better lesson & test than this.)
And just as master-astrologer The Leo King warned of all that came with CONVID, him (and several others reading the cycles of the stars) have been pretty clear that greater change is yet on the horizon - and you don’t wanna get caught in the wrong place as the wrong time. And that travel as we know it is gonna be undergoing transformation. And whether that comes to pass or not, i do feel that if I were to go back to Asia, I’d be returning for visits far less frequently… and thus, having extremely limited time left with my parents. Thus, the question: might it just be better to stay in Canada until there’s 100% clarity it’s time to leave for good - doing a few more seasons snowboarding in the mountains, savouring the next decade of my “on the roof” phase in hermit mode, laying low in less-stimulating places to soothe my nervous system rather than risk pushing myself too far too fast to appease the old part of myself craving to relive the highs of my past?
Plus, it might end up being wise to keep a homebase & roots in Canada. To properly setup a corporation here to run finances through and minimize taxes due rather than overstress myself trying to escape the matrix and surrender what advantages come with working within this country’s systems strategically (at least until a “better” alternative is fully clear). Hell, even if all the proper structuring ends up requiring paying a significant amount of tax… there are valid reasons it might actually be worth it.
(And not to mention we might actually already be in WW3, have no idea which way it’s gonna go, and thus might not be the ideal time to be bouncing around.)
It doesn’t matter how many angles i look at all this from, though, really. The timing is its own thing, beyond my control. If there’s not clarity, I can’t will it into existence.
Perhaps the “problem” here is just one of impatience. Or perhaps there is no “problem…” only some stubbornness in accepting what is and surrendering to the moment.
Perhaps there’s still something of an “addictive” nature requiring transmutation. That craving for stimulation and excitement the mind thinks can only be found in foreign lands. A compulsion to seek higher highs sourced in exotic destinations, trying to fill some emptiness or sense of incompleteness with the external - projecting satisfaction as something to be achieved far away rather than in the simplicity of the here & now.
Perhaps it’s partly my open spleen’s “not-self” dynamic of “holding on too long” - to ideas of who i was and that a sense of worth & meaning came from having broken out of the norm of where i came from. The ego’s clinging to past and reluctance to return to where i came from with all the lessons & growth fully integrated & embodied - some deep nagging sense I’m not “enough” without going “further” and doing/achieving “more” than here and this.
For as much there’s surely been a healthy drive for expansion to experience the richness of life that propelled me through all my past’s adventures, perhaps the cycle back here now has brought me to face another hidden motivation of escapism. And while I might’ve effectively smoked weed to numb out whatever core insecurities & discomforts i did during my teens here when not having the ability to run from them and focus outward for distraction, life’s required me to circle back to face them now. (To some degree, there’s probably truth in that. And there’s probably also some degree of self-gaslighting in holding to firmly to that perspective, as well as the counterproductive intellectual masterbation of overthinking it all.)
I dunno why it seems so difficult to just be. To just bask in “self-love,” be grateful for where I’m at and all I have here. To simply accept I’m obviously here for “a reason” and trust that when it’s time to move on somewhere else, the guidance will come and it’ll happen. (Or perhaps I do know: the whole “control” thing. Obviously.)
I dunno why it seemed so much easier to flow with life when younger. Taking everything all so fucking seriously like this really puts a damper on the ability to just enjoy life. Maybe - as tired as i am of the trend of everyone blaming everything on it - it is a matter of trauma. Of that shattering of my reality, being shocked out of the naive youthful sense of invincibility into the reality of life’s fragility and shortness with a dizzying impact - left with this sense of having to be onguard and on-top of everything, tensed up in preparation for the next thing to come that can’t be controlled that’ll take away the most treasured things in life… the “escapist” aspect, wanting to go wherever the mind thinks there’ll be the most amount of pleasure and least potential for things going “wrong.” And how futile. Ha!
So, here I am. Caught in the crossfire of all these different pulls in different directions, most of the strings pulled by ego & mind - wasting away my precious life in worries over where to go next, or what rims to buy and put on my Civic’s winter tires, should i end up staying in Canada longer. What a joke.
Sometimes i wish it were as easy as just refocusing it all into making music. But if there’s one thing worse than all this mental back-and-forth about future directions beyond my control, it’s trying to control creative flows and forcing music when the waves aren’t there to surf, omg. And i must be wisening up a bit to acknowledge: that’ll likely be the exact same no matter where i go. Alot of things will be.
Certainly, there’s something to that saying, ”wherever you go, there you are.”
Of course, there’s powerful life lessons and experiences to be had in different places. And surely, we need to read & heed our cues correctly to make it where we need to be on time in order to fulfill soul contracts and such.
But what if we sometimes trip & fuck ourselves up by obsessing over being somewhere else rather than fully embracing where we’re at and fulfilling the contracts we’re here now to fulfill now? What new important friendships might i be closing myself off from making here because my mind is hyperfixated in anxiety loops over reliving the past or aiming to go places I’m not supposed/meant to? Or at the least, how much simple joy have i declined because of the desire for “more”/different? Etc, etc, etc.
(Just realized yesterday that I’m officially in the peak of the “midlife crisis” Neptune-square-Neptune transit, along with Pluto-square-Pluto… how perfectly fitting.)
I don’t got the answers.
But… maybe I’ve been asking the wrong fucking questions.
Maybe one day I’ll know a few… and/or start asking “better” ones.
Or maybe none of us really know shit and just sabotage ourselves by trying to pretend we do or that we even can.
Or some shit. What do i know.