The shadow of that time was still creeping into me, and I had to clench my fist not to be affected by it. The heart beating fast is just like a reminder of what I've been through during that time, and so I had to take a deep breath and wash away the negative thoughts that's still affecting me.
Last night was one of the worst nights that I experienced. I got nervous again because of my nose, I got pale, my heart is really beating fast, and then there is this loud and disturbing noise in my right ears. I experienced that loud noise too in my previous bleeding, it's like a drum being hit hard at a slow pace, and then no matter what I do, I can't just shrug off those negative thoughts that are eating my sanity.
I can't even tell the oldies or even my mama about it because I'm afraid they will get nervous too. When I thought that I would bleed again because of that liquid that I thought was blood flowing down my throat, I began to tremble, my hand were shaking so hard that I couldn't hold my cup because my hand was like a jelly, it's weak and has no strength at all. I'm really panicking at that moment, it's scary. While having a panic attack, I just drink a lot of water, and thanks God that helps too.
That time, all I could think was to prepare my things and put them in a big bag so that if ever "it happened," I would already have prepared my things. It's like I'm actually wishing for it to happen, but believe me, the panic attack is so intense this time that I had to do something to forget those dark thoughts creeping inside my head. I feel like I'm going crazy just thinking about it. While also doing things, I'm doing an inhale-exhale exercise so that I feel a little at ease.
It helps because the trembling slowly stops, and so I just sit on my bed while looking at all the stuff that I prepared. During that time, I feel like my soul finally went back to my body, and my nervousness eased down a little, but whenever I feel that liquid in my nose, which I think is just a runny nose, instead of gushing down to my nose, it went backward instead and went down to my throat. I will begin to worry again, and it's a nonstop scenario.
So what I did was get my phone and play music from my favorite playlist, "Oldie," which is literally all old and good songs. They are like my lullabies, and they help me a little too. I usually sleep at 7:30 or 8, but last night, I started going to bed at 7:10 and just played the music, put it on a timer for it to stop automatically, and set it for a 70-minute playtime. I didn't notice that it went off on its own because I woke up at 12:30 a.m.
I get up in bed to pee, and while doing so, I feel myself, particularly my nose and my ears. Fortunately, my nose is good again, no liquid gushing down to the throat, no loud noise in my ears, and I was like, "THANK GOD!" I sigh in relief after checking myself. I feel like nothing happened last night. When I woke up this morning, I felt energized and strong. But the bad news is, I have a sore throat (｡ŏ﹏ŏ). I think that liquid last night was just a sign of this, and I got nervous and all and went into panic mode ಥ_ಥ.
Anyhow, I decided to have a morning walk today because I think I need it to feel more energetic. It's actually just a short walk because I just have to go visit the Pandesal in a wheel to buy our breakfast. I just walked slowly this time to savor this early walk and also to wash away all those negative thoughts that's trying to cling in my head again. This is a good start for the day.