Wake up... Wake up... Wake up!!!
Sorry, sorry, not you... I was talking to Steven... Uhhmmm... ME!
Yeah, yeah, I know... I've been here before, always gettin' ready to strike out, move forward, do the stuff I say I am gonna...
Oh sorry, I was responding to the voice in my head, loud , chiding and ridiculing as I typed the words, so yeah, I guess I was still talking to me...
I have been trapped in a malaise, a downward spiral, maybe even a mild case of narcissistic victim disorder... It feels strange saying that as I have NEVER thought of myself as a victim EVER.
Oh but this is no mere passing funk, it has lasted for far too long.
When I realised I wanted to boot up my trusty PC and commit some thoughts to the page, I reviewed my last few posts and realised the last wholly positive one was 2 years ago!!!
The sparse offering since then has been about illness, brushes with the grim reaper (spoiler - I kicked his bony arse more than once!!!), Mam's 2 strokes, her care home journey after total disability and finally, her eventual death... I know, its like a bloody Greek tragedy.
The timing of all the stuff with my Mam (regional dialect name for Mum, Mom, Ma or Mother), came at the same time as I was supposed to be attempting rehabilitation after my own struggles and a couple of months in hospital.
I had to pull on my 'big girl pants', and buckle down and get on with it, it was nice to deflect from my own issues to be honest, although it undeniably set my recovery back for quite some time and I missed a ton of consultant appointments, scans, GP reviews and medication reviews. It seems that delay exacerbated some of the effects of the pancreatitis, sepsis and poor blood control, unchecked for too long also added to the burden.
Disclaimer - There was a scurrilous and entirely untrue implication in the above paragraph that Steven Wood wears big girl pants... I would like to set the record straight and state for the aforementioned record that I do not, (for the most part).
Whenever I do write a post here, I always state that I am hoping to be around more from now on... I am going to make that same bold, unproven and even possibly unlikely claim again.
I believe that by being around more and immersed in this amazing community will help me mentally and perhaps provide me with a little inspiration and that all important journal space for insane, nonsensical ramblings, (why mess with a proven formula, right?)
I am all too well aware that whenever I say that, life throws a curveball and the box of ceaseless tragedies reopens and thrusts another of it's bountiful treasures my way.
Ah, come what may, right?
So I guess I am here today to write another misery filled post to say that I am hoping to write more posts and particularly more optimistic and positive posts... Hmmm, maybe I should have cut to the chase and wrote one... Wow... Didn't think of that.
So let's call this potential unfulfilled reboot post #127, or comeback #94.
OR...
A new dawn and the resumption of my life as an actual member of the human race.
We shall see. I am constantly reminding myself to prove I am going to follow through on what I am supposed to be doing by doing it, rather than saying I am going to.
So in that spirit I am going to forego the next 3000 words that those who know me will be expecting and perhaps give myself the best possible chance to write much more often for that cathartic benefit I have always felt from writing.
I am not fit to return to any physical sort of work yet but I am getting better and being in this community more, may prepare me for the community beyond my front door, don't misunderstand me, I am much, much better than I was and getting stronger all the time.
There are many here who I miss immensely and I hope to reconnect over time, hopefully soon, but again, we shall see, right?
If it doesn't work the way I hoped, I am not gonna beat myself with a big stick, but I am gonna try harder. I can guarantee, (barring fate's cruel intervention), my posts will be a lot more regular than they have of late and my Hive journey and education will resume at whatever pace it resumes.
I remember when I was writing often, I used to talk about approaching 50 and musing over what that would mean to my life... I am now approaching 53 and realise I had zero clue about what life can do in the blink of an eye and that you only really have now to do what you gotta do!
Tomorrow, is, as they say, implied but never promised and certainly not guaranteed!
I hope you dear reader are well and plodding on in the right kinda fashion and if not, realise that where there's life, there's hope, you can do more than you think over time and it is rarely too late to make a change.
Don't be cruel to yourself, don't expect too much of yourself and appreciate the you that you are today, even if you are hoping for a better you in the future.
Until I am here again, (which is gonna be soon, right?).
Thank YOU for taking the time to read my post and if you're one of those amazing people who like to hit the comments section... Then I doubly thank YOU!
Either way I want you to know that you are appreciated!
Keep taking the time to connect with each-other both here and in the 'so-called' real world and try and look after each-other, because as you already know...
