Call it defeatist behavior, but I've lost all the care in the world on the things that don't directly affect me or my family. I have a sick sister to attend and all my energy has been directed to her care since last December.
Call it selfish, but I've lost the drive to be "the change you want to see in the world". We were young and too idealistic once, perhaps many heartaches and failures ago, but then reality continued to hammer us down to submission. I yield not because of choice but of necessity. Perhaps in another life, in another world, in another reality, I emerged a little bit victorious against my own life's choices, not just this one.
"Don't lose hope. It's never too late."
True. Probably even for me. However, it will continue to be an uphill battle when your enemy is yourself. You might have defeated your inner demons countless times, but they will respawn stronger and bolder many times over.
Call it nihilistic, but the world is run by profit and you're just one cog in that machine. You break and another one, perhaps stronger and shinier and more oiled, will replace you. Why bother struggling when you already know that every movement leads to your impending demise?
One would argue that there's art in the struggle. A kinetic sculpture by Sun Yuan and Peng Yu is my best counter. As much as I love life, art, and everything about humanity, I can't help but feel helpless. "Can't Help Myself" as they aptly named it, the kinetic sculpture I mean, shows the futility of human labor. Yeah, it's good to be aware. It's destructive if you're hyper aware.
Let me digress.
Last election taught me a lot. It showed the best and the worst of people, including myself. I thought I was on the right side of history. Fun fact: I still do. It was one of the proudest moments of my life, that for once, I fought for something I truly believed in. However, a not-so-recent video from Veritasium taught me one thing: there's no difference between left or right. The video entitled "On These Questions, Smarter People Do Worse" tackled irrationality, intelligence, and data-driven approach on things.
After watching the video, I tweeted: "In this polarized world, there's no difference between left and right. It just shows that the smarter you are, the more you justify your preconceived choice instead of seeking the most rational conclusion." I still believe it to be true even if I equally watch Ogie Diaz Showbiz Update and some "weird manifolds in higher dimensions". I honestly don't know what those words mean.
This coming election, I'll remove myself from any frustration-bearing debates. Vote whoever you want to vote as long as you're ready for the consequences. Unlike last election, I'll be passive on this one. I'm already proud to have hoped for a change in this already damned country at least once.
Back to nihilism.
Call me a loser and I'll accept that. It won't matter anymore. You can't put me down when I'm already at the lowest point of my life. I've lost even the capacity to synthesize ideas. I don't know if I even have that in the first place or I was just pretending to be the good at what I do.
If you're wondering what happened, ask Gemma.
Kim Ybañez
Welcome to Kim's small corner in Hive. He is a chemical engineer by profession but a blogger by passion. He is a wanderlust and an adventure seeker. Join his quests as he visits remote destinations, climbs mountains, tries new and exotic dishes, and explores his country (The Philippines). He's also a trying-hard photographer, so stay tuned as he shares his photos and his thought process while creating them.
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