When your mind wants to be productive but your heart wants to cry itself out, what do you do?
Hey there. This post is an attempt to capture a moment, alter its reality for a bit, and leave you wondering which parts are real and which aren't.
I assure you, none of this would make sense. Want to sit down and ponder things with me?
15:37. Another day is yet to end and I am not sure if I've done anything of substance. It's been days since I decided to do something for myself and yet, here I am, wallowing in so much self-doubt.
I looked at my to-do list in hopes of realizing that I might have forgotten to do something.
Get up. Check.
Wash face. Check.
Eat something for lunch. Check.
It seems that I've been doing a good job today. But why does my heart ache and why does my brain scream?
I began separating myself from my own.
This time, it's you and me again.
You, the one with the aching heart. I, the one with the buzzing brain.
You want to run back and ask about their day. Ask how they are and how have they been doing. I argue that it's just been a couple of days and they should have managed.
You want someone to catch all of the raw emotions leaking out from you. I keep slapping Flex Tape after Flex Tape because we can't afford any leaks right now - I don't understand emotions and I can't pinpoint what exactly are you feeling right now. I want to wrap my head around it but do we really need someone to hold us?
You wonder if we did the right thing. I say it's self-preservation. We've done so much and we need to rest. You ask if we could try a little harder; push a bit more. I sigh. I know how much you want to give it all out but I know that we have our limits.
Where did you get that grit? You sound so selfless and so selfish at the same time.
I try to distract us; find something to work on. We need to get moving. Our broke asses won't cover expenses. You tug me ever so slightly and say that we need to breathe. We need to cry. I say it's a waste of time.
And yet, tears start to well up in our eyes. We recall last night's call with our best friend. Oh, how dumb it was to cry and then laugh in the middle of it and ask, "What if I just eat this piece of tissue I'm holding?"
I don't know why I do that and I'm sorry if it cuts your momentum. You want to let it all out, I want to make it light as possible. I want to make sure we won't completely break if we have to let ourselves fall down this bottomless pit.
18:33. What did our monkey brain do again? Doomscrolled.
Oh look, something you could write about-
We have to stop doing this. We really do.
19:00. We have to get ourselves together.
We melt back into one, wipe off our tears, and then, it's just plain ol' me again.
I wish we didn't have to. I wish I could pull you out into the physical realm and give you a hug. One that I would give to people crazy enough to break through walls I've built. But what can I do? We're nothing but souls within a body.
Maybe we're nothing but ideas conjured to cope with reality.
I'd still hug you tight, though.
(?)
Have you ever had this constant tug-of-war with yourself that made you question your sanity? I'm surprised you reached the end and I thank you for stopping by.
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Arc likes to play games on and off the blockchain when she's not lurking around Hive/Wax.
Personal and creative dumps are all over arcgspy.
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