A drop of water landed on Jenny’s face and slid down her cheek, followed by another and another. Groaning, she peeked an eye open and winced as the curtain billowed overhead. The window was ajar and it was raining. Why on earth was the window open? She had personally went around the entire house and closed and locked every single window before she went to bed, just as she had every night since the new neighbours moved in.
Snapping wide awake, she whipped upright and hugged the blanket against her chest, her heart racing. She held her breath so she could clearly hear any strange noises and listened. What if someone was in her room? What if someone was lurking outside her bedroom window, ready to break in? She tightened her grip on the blanket and refused to breathe until her chest tightened and demanded more oxygen. Taking the smallest gulps of breath, she shut her eyes tight and listened harder.
The wind whistled through the trees and encouraged the sharp, spindly branches to scrape over the window, and a very early morning bird sang by its lonesome in the distance. She listened and listened but couldn’t determine anything out of the ordinary and at last fell back onto the mattress.
Grabbing for her phone she checked the time. It was 3:55A.M. Eurgh. She dumped the phone back on the bedside table and inwardly screamed. She started her first shift at Blair’s at 8, she had to leave at 7, she was going to be dead tired all day. Today was going to be awful!
As she drifted in and out of half-sleep, a small giggle penetrated her dreamscape and she responded by grabbing her pillow and shoving it on top of her face. Whoever the hell was giggling so inanely at this hour of the morning could die in a fire.
Beep beep-beep-beep beeeeeeep.
Her heart leapt into her throat and she jerked upright, blinking rapidly as she fumbled to turn the alarm off her phone. She failed the first time and it started beeping louder.
“Ohmygod,” she shrieked, pressing at buttons until it finally turned off. Slumping back onto the bed, she groaned. At least the rain had stopped.
Okay. She had to get up. The shower was calling, there were breakfast muffins waiting, and she would be alive and wide awake on her very first day. She could do this. Rubbing at her face, she slid off the bed and half stumbled, half crawled to the bathroom.
Jenny flicked on the light as she fell into the bathroom. It didn’t turn on. She flicked it again, out of habit, but there was still nothing. She stood in the dark room for a long second and forced herself to wake up. Had there been a power outage? Pricking up her ears, she listened. The bogan’s next door had their television on at full volume, screaming ‘Playschool’ at unreasonable decibels for this hour of the morning. There was no outage — the lightbulb must’ve burnt out.
Despite the darkness, she smiled. At last, she could be useful! After her shift she could buy a new bulb for the bathroom and do her tiny but helpful bit to contribute towards the household. It was all falling into place.
Happily hopping out of her pyjamas, she twisted the taps and prepared to indulge in a cascade of boiling hot water, suddenly excited to start her day. Stepping into the cubicle, she embraced the shower.
“Fuck!” she yelped.
The water was ice cold — colder than ice cold! Leaping out faster than a frog on springs, she grabbed for a towel, wrapped it around herself and flew down the hallway and into the kitchen.
“Joey,” she gasped, shivering as a cool breeze swept through the window and froze her wet hair solid. “There’s no hot water. Is the water heater broken?” Her eyes widened. “Did you pay the electricity bill?”
He sat at the table with a bag of pre-cooked prawns, peeling them one by one.
“No.” He smiled. “Was it due?"
“Joey!”
Placing the peeled prawns into a bowl already half-filled, he tossed the shell over his shoulder towards the sink and missed it completely. There were at least two dozen prawn shells littered across the tiles, a few more on the counter, and by complete luck there was a single prawn head sitting where he had aimed, in the actual sink.
“I’ll deal with it.” He waved a hand in the air then grabbed another prawn. “Breakfast first.”
“Prawns… seriously? You’re having prawns for breakfast?”
“Breakfast of champions.” He tilted his head to one side, inspected another prawn, then casually ripped off its head and tossed it behind him. “The head and shells are useful too. Not for eating, of course.”
“I can’t deal with this right now,” Jenny groaned. “I have to get ready for work and I’m unshowered and gross!”
“You’ll be fine.”
“Tell that to Blair,” she snapped and turned back down the hallway.
“I can see your bottom.”
She whipped around with a squeal and glared at Joey’s smirk, then shuffled backwards, clutching the towel tighter.
“Maybe if there had been hot water I’d be dressed already.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” he winked.
“Why am I suddenly under the impression you’re not going to pay the bill?”
Instead of answering, he placed a freshly peeled prawn on his tongue and started chewing, slowly, as though savouring every nuance of flavour the tiny creature could offer.
Backing away, she hurried into her room and slammed the door.
A steamy shower was out of the question, but at least she was wide awake and thankfully she was the owner of several deodorants and perfumes. Her foul stench would not stink up Uncle Blair’s fair store, not today! With any luck, he would never know that she had come to work unclean.
Whipping her freezing wet hair into a makeshift bun atop her head, she climbed into her brand new bright blue uniform, coated herself from head to toe with deodorant, and hurriedly made up her face. She took a quick selfie with her phone-camera, then grimaced. She did not look as good as she had the other day. Redness ringed her eyes despite the concealer and foundation, and her hair was not as sleek and stylish as she would’ve liked. Blair was not going to be happy with her appearance.
With a sigh, she returned to the kitchen. Prawns for breakfast sounded absolutely disgusting, but breakfast itself sounded pretty good and she had a brand new supply of Blair’s Bakery muffins stashed in the pantry, waiting just for this moment.
“How are you even awake right now?” She grumbled, rummaging through the pantry for the muffin box. “I think this is the first time I’ve seen you awake before nine.”
Joey glanced at her, looking suspiciously mischievous, then turned back to his prawns.
“Prawn peeling is a deeply complex process that requires my absolute attention, thus keeping my brain alert, active, and awake. Breakfast of champions,” he repeated with a grin.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
Her hands found the smooth box of deliciousness that she had hidden behind a mountain of canned spaghetti and she gleefully grabbed it and took it to the table, brushing an unfortunate prawn head off the chair before settling into it. At last. The perfect breakfast. She whipped open the muffin box with a happy grin that quickly vanished.
“Uh…” The box was empty. “Joey. I had three blueberry jam muffins in here. For breakfast. For breakfast today. For right now. Did you eat them?”
“Nope,” he said, biting down on deep orange prawn flesh.
“Really? It’s just you and me… the muffins just happen to be gone.”
A cheeky smile broke out across his freckled face as he stuck out his tongue, placed another prawn on it, and curled it delicately into his mouth.
“I didn’t eat your muffins.”
“Oh, come on, Joey!” Jenny pushed herself up and away from the table with a great huff. “I finish at two today and I’d better see fresh muffins on the table when I get home. Blair’s ones, not those cheap, stale ones from the Muffinhouse.”
Joey giggled and Jenny wrinkled her nose as prawn juice dribbled down his chin.
“I’m, uh… just going to be going now.”
“Have fun at your first daaaaay,” Joey sang, his laughter rising as she stalked away.
She’d never understand him and wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to. They had been friends since high school but these past couple of months were the first they had spent longer than a few hours in each other’s presence. It was amazing what you didn’t know about people until you lived under the same roof as them. They could be completely normal with an odd sense of humour, someone you could even fancy, then you moved in with them and they were stranger than life. Unbelievable.
Whipping open the door, she stepped into the outside world, breathed in the fresh morning air, then shrieked as something dropped onto her hair-bun and bounced into her hands — a muffin — a muffin that looked suspiciously similar to a Blair’s Bakery muffin. With wide eyes, she spun around and stared above the door and there they were, the other two, sitting haphazardly upon the frame.
“I told you I didn’t eat them!”
“Very funny,” she yelled into the house. “I still demand new muffins.”
Joey’s laughter rang out, quietened by her slam of the door, and she took a moment to inspect the muffin in her hand. It looked perfectly edible. Crisp and golden on the outside, a light pinch hinted at the soft crumb inside, and after giving it a once-over she wiped a smidgen of door-dust from its bottom and bit into it. Fresh, delicious blueberry jam oozed onto her tongue, tantalising her tastebuds. Joey must’ve done it recently. Was this why he was awake so damned early? Concocting nefarious schemes with her beloved muffins?
Shaking her head, she gobbled up the remainder of the muffin, left the other two perched atop their new home for Joey to deal with, and stepped upon the footpath, ready to walk to work.
“Mummy,” a child shrieked. “That lady, a cake fell on her head, and she just eated the cake on her head. I want cake! Cake, cake, cake!”
“Shut the fuck up and get in the car.”
The bogan woman next door somehow looked even more dishevelled. She pushed a dirty child, no older than five, into the backseat of the rusty old car, sent her a smoldering glare, then jumped into the driver’s seat and pealed away, the wheels squealing as it flew around the corner. The neighbour’s door slammed as the man came running out, bellowing after the car, then smashed an empty beer bottle against the pavement as he stomped back into the house, swearing beneath his breath.
Jenny lowered her eyes and kept walking. She could scarcely believe she had to deal with this.
“Bloody bogans,” she muttered softly, flicking a crumb off her shoulder.
And to think that there’d be more of those people scurrying around when Blair’s opened. She quickly checked her phone. It was 7:11A.M. Her eyes widened. Shit. She was going to be late!
Jamming her phone into her pocket, she quickened her pace and hurried into town as fast as she could without allowing sweat to ruin her make up, and controlled her breathing as best she could so that she wasn’t a huffing and puffing old hag when she arrived. With quick strides, she sidled up to the side-door of Uncle Blair’s just in time, just as he was ushering his staff into the building to begin their day, and hurried inside.
All of her new colleagues looked absolutely immaculate. She felt like the fabled ugly duckling itself as she stood beside a young girl with cherry-blonde ringlets coiffed perfectly atop her beautifully made-up face. Even the few male staff looked fresh and Instagram-worthy at this hour of the morning. She was completely out of place here.
Trying her best not to fidget, she stood as proud as she could manage despite her self-disgust and waited with the others for their pre-opening meeting.
Blair sashayed into area with a hand upon his hip then strutted back and forth like a drill sergeant as he inspected his staff. Finally, his eyes fell upon her and he tutted, shaking his head. He flipped a wave of his bleached-blonde hair out of his face and appeared directly in front of her, then pursed his lips.
“Jennifer, dahling,” he sighed. “Your hair! Oh. My. Goodness. It’s so oily… so stringy. And, ugh! Are those crumbs? No. No. Nonono. I can not have you on my beautiful checkouts looking like this.” He waved a flippant hand an inch from her face. “For the love of Napoleon and his fantastic range of beauty products, go, fix your hair. I’ll have you out the back today. Less chance of our dear, delightful customers seeing you.”
Well, at least he wasn’t firing her on the spot. Oh, how she missed working for her old company before it fell apart. She had been a receptionist. And most customers preferred to contact them by phone or the internet rather than coming in to see them. And they had Pyjama Fridays! They wouldn’t have cared about a few measly crumbs in her hair; they would’ve laughed about it.
She lowered her eyes and nodded.
Blair sniffed the air dramatically, pulled out a tiny pink perfume bottle from his front pocket, then sprayed it around the air. His gaze fell upon the young man opposite her. “Oh, Henry! So handsome, so presentable, so perfect,” he gushed. “No crumbs in your finely combed hair, is there?” He sent her a snide glance. “Henry, you’ll be on register one today. Right next to me and my courtesy desk.”
“Yes, sir,” Henry smiled.
Jenny restrained the urge to roll her eyes and instead turned away to go to the staff bathroom to fix her hair.
“Excuse me, Jennifer. And just where do you think you’re going?”
“To fix my hair, as you said.”
She smiled as sweet as she could manage though all she wanted was to scowl.
Blair flipped his hair again.
“You’ll have the chance to become worthy of standing within my gleaming establishment soon enough. First, though, there are… things… that all staff must be made aware of.”
Jenny tried not to scoff. This man — this man! There was no pleasing him. Maybe she should shake the crumbs out, right here, on his gleaming establishment’s floors. Biting the inside of her cheek, she stopped herself. She was an adult, not a child, and she needed this stupid job.
Blair wiggled past the other staff members, nodding his approval and each of them as he passed by, evidently pleased with everyone else’s appearances, then said, “Okay, sweet-thangs! Uncle Blair needs you to listen up. The Great Fungus is coming.”
“The… great fungus?” questioned one of the young girls.
“Yes, Sally. The Great Fungus. Don’t interrupt me.” Blair released a heavy, exaggerated sigh. “Y’all on Twitter, right? On the intertubes? Seen the news? There have been some strange deaths lately, haven’t there?”
“Um, sure,” Sally whispered, uncertainly.
Blair released another sigh, louder than the last, and placed a hand on his hip.
“It’s the Great Fungus, darling. It grows on the insides of people, they get sick, they die, then exploding mushrooms grow from their infected corpses. It’s going to be such a disaster — it’ll be great for business!”
“Sounds ridiculous. Are you tripping?” Jenny asked, before biting her tongue.
“Ridiculous? I hired you, didn’t I?” He sniffed. “I am desperate for more staff! We are going to be so bus-ayyyy.” He sang the word ‘busy’ so that it echoed through the empty store. “It’s hush-hush at the moment, but I’ve got connections,” he stated proudly. “Rumours are spreading and they won’t be able to conceal it for much longer, and soon people will be storming through these very doors to buy my goods so they can bunker down. I’d bet my multi millions on it,” he winked.
Jenny once again was forced to bite her tongue. Imagine profiting over the misfortune of others. But… the great fungus? Indeed. Exploding mushrooms? Ridiculous! It was far more likely that Blair had taken a hit of acid before assembling them for this meeting and was now deep in the depths of an alternate reality. How much longer was this going to take? She needed to get these damned crumbs out of her hair.
Blair spun a circle and strode towards the back office, calling over his shoulder, “There’ll be extra training tomorrow night. I will prepare you all to deal with this inevitable onslaught of the masses! All staff, permanent and casual must attend. Uncle Blair will check on you soon, my beautiful people!”
Finally!
Restraining the urge to lean over the courtesy desk, whip out her hair, and shake the crumbs all over the flawless floor, she headed for the staff bathroom. Joey probably would’ve done it. He would’ve crumbed all over the floor and laughed about the mess and wouldn’t give two hoots about Blair’s reaction. As much as she wanted to though, she just couldn’t do it. She was a responsible adult and despite this small hiccup there was still the chance she could make a decent impression.
She was going to do her job, and she was going to do it well.
Helloooo! It's Day Three of a sudden onset of Writing Madness -- a NaNoWriMo-inspired challenge that uses the daily #freewrite prompt to help create a full story within the confines of a mere month.
Unfortunately today is the day of the Weekend Freewrite so there is no new prompt for me to use. That's okay though.
Before starting this April Writing Madness, I mentioned in my pre-writing-babbles that I'd already written 8000 words during a similar event two years ago. Today's writing holds quite a few of those words, just rewritten and changed up to be better suited for what I've newly done over the past couple of days. Quite a bit has been changed, but will still be familiar to anyone who read the original a couple of years ago.
You can read the original version of these words here: @kaelci/it-all-went-down-at-the-whistling-fart-a-maynia-work-in-progress
There's also a bit from my original day two of Maynia, here: @kaelci/it-all-went-down-at-the-whistling-fart-maynia-day-two ~ don't read that original Day Two unless you want spoilers for tomorrow! xD
This is a very rough first draft of an upcoming book and will be tidied up and polished after this Month of Madness is finished. 😊 It might read like fast-paced-rushed-word-garbage at the moment, but it will be refined! (I over-edit like a madwoman.)
Title is a placeholder and will probably not be the final name of the book. 🤣 This story has nothing much to do with whistling but the local pub is called the Whistling Fart, things will go down there, and there will likely be a terrible amount of fart jokes. Because I'm uncultured and farts are funny. 🤷♀
Today's wordcount is 2,939
Total wordcount is 7,206 / 50,000
📝 A Quick Blurb 📚
Genre: immature adult comedy, reverse coming-of-age, apocalyptic silliness
Warning: irreverent, offensive humour
Jenny is a young lady in her mid-20's who finds herself out of work, out of home, and out of luck. An old friend from school has invited her to stay at his house until she gets back on her feet, but she just can't seem to land on them.
Every job opportunity she finds goes spectacularly wrong. The Great Fungus is spreading across the world and consuming all in its path. Then, to top it off, a solar flare renders electricity a thing of the past.
Faced with the end of the world as she knows it, Jenny has a choice. Will she embrace this apocalyptic madness... or will she, too, be consumed by the fungus?
Thank you for reading! 📚😊
See you tomorrow for Day Four! 📝🤓