Jenny curled up on the couch and stared out the window, at the nothingness, at a world devoid of all human life. There was nothing left but the slowing sound of pop-pop-pop-bangs. In fact, there hadn’t been a single one of those for at least two days now. Had the entire town died? The world? Were she and Joey the only people left in this mushroom-infested dream?
A dream, or a nightmare? Either way, it was real and she was living it. They were living it. She and Joey, the only humans left on earth. That was such a depressing thought. She leant back into the couch cushions and closed her eyes, willing the world to darkness.
Joey. They hadn’t really spoken since their argument. That horrible day he’d had the audacity to call her a Jennifer. She hadn’t really seen him either, but she heard him as he pottered around in his room and down in the cellar, babying his wine and shrooms. That was all that mattered to him. The entire world had been devastated by the crepitus, it was possible that they were the last two souls alive on this dreadful planet, and he was happy because he had shrooms and wine.
Christ, she wished she could be like that. She folded her arms above her head and sunk down lower into the couch. Instead of worrying about the dying world and her life within it, she could just lick a mushroom and go to the moon.
Jenny bit her tongue as that illogical thought intruded, but then lessened her chomp. It wasn’t illogical, was it? It didn’t really matter any more, did it? She could literally go and steal one of Joey’s mushrooms right now and go on a trip to outer space and it wouldn’t matter.
Even if she didn’t live here with Joey and was in her own rented space, her landlord would have probably exploded in a haze of mushroom spores. Her real estate agent, too. Were she still employed at her old office job, her boss would have misted the office and her colleagues along with him.
There was nothing. Joey was right. The crepitus had set her free.
Free to do what though? Out there in the open world, the crepitus still lingered and grew, thriving upon the rotting remains of peoples bodies trapped in their houses and would soon cover the entire world! It was inevitable. It wouldn’t be long before both she and Joey were taken, too.
“Jenny!” Joey’s heavy footsteps bounded down the stairs and he appeared before her in a blink of an eye. There was a bottle held tight within his grasp, filled with a disgusting-looking liquid. “I have done it, dear Jenny. The most amazing wine to have ever graced this world resides within this very bottle. May I present to you, the finest wine in all the land? I call it, ‘The Creep.’” He grinned. “Because it’s got mushrooms in it. And there’s the crepitus around. So I called it The Creep. Get it?”
“You’re a creep,” she muttered, then scrunched her face at the concoction he dangled before her. “It looks like you drained it from a swamp.”
“There’s no swamps around here, silly.” Joey raised his big, goofy eyebrows and waggled the bottle so close to her face it repeatedly bumped against her cheek. “Come. Drink. Be merry!”
Looking into his wide, gleaming eyes and cheerful grin, it was hard not to take the bottle that he thrust a mere millimetre from her eyeballs. Holding it tenderly, not for fear of breaking it but for fear of the glass suddenly shattering from the noxious fumes inside, she gave it a slow and thorough inspection. Inside the bottle was a brown liquid complete with small stringy flecks of debris that swam in little circles up and down the bottle. It was corked, but she could smell it: a dirty, mouldy smell that was reminiscent of the odour that had once filtered through her very unclean office air conditioner. Surely this concoction was not for drinking.
“I’m not quite sure this is safe for consumption.” She wrinkled her nose and handed the bottle back. “You’re going to need big red warning labels on these or you’ll get sued up the wazoo.”
Ignoring her, Joey pressed his thumbs beneath the cork and popped it into the ceiling. Jenny ducked before it could ricochet against her forehead.
“Bottom’s up!” Joey waggled his eyebrows and swigged half the bottle.
“Joey, it’s morning. It’s too early to be drinking that!”
“No one cares, Jenny. I could go raid the Whistling Fart, get plastered, get naked, and flop my cock out ‘round the CBD and no one can stop me.” He shoved the bottle into her face. “Live a little, you old biddy.”
Jenny’s nostrils flared. Squashing the unwanted mental image of Joey parading around, pale butt a-shining beneath the morning sunlight, she snatched the bottle from Joey’s grasp and swigged the remainder of the swamp water.
“Ugh!” She stuck her tongue out so far she licked the tip of her chin and simultaneously gagged. That was no fruity moscato, that was for sure. “That was absolutely disgusting.”
“I know.” Joey’s grin widened. “I lied. That wasn’t my wine. That was pure, unfiltered shroom tea. Let’s go!”
Jenny somehow stuck her tongue out even further and wiped furiously at it in a thwarted attempt to get rid of the taste. Unsuccessful, she lifted up her shirt and wiped her tongue all over the cotton. That was better.
“You conniving little shroom weasel,” she snapped, then flailed back onto the couch and sighed. “Where? Let’s go where? There is nowhere.”
“Out for a morning walk, of course. You can’t just drink this stuff and stay inside, Jenny.” He placed a hand on his hip and tutted. “We need nature. The great outdoors! The glory of the outside world. The—“
“—the crepitus-infested streets?” Jenny interjected. “Sounds riveting.”
“No, you’re right.” Joey held a finger against his lip as he thoughtfully stared out the window. “Not the streets. The crepitus-infested houses. Let’s go scavenging!”
“Are you mad?” Jenny shrieked.
“Calm your tits.” Joey looked at her as though it was she who was insane and not him. “You can’t mistreat the shrooms like that. Hang on. I have the perfect thing for this. Biohazard gear. It’s in my closet.”
Joey hurried upstairs, bounding up two at a time, leaving Jenny to stare incredulously after him.
“Biohazard gear?” she shouted.
“Yeah! I found it up the road just the other day.” He said ever-so nonchalantly. “There was a body, and now there’s not.”
Bile rose up through Jenny’s throat and this time it wasn’t from the disgusting shroom juice she had just ingested.
“A-a body?”
“Well, you asked. It’s gone now. It popped just after I got the goods.” He peered down at her from the landing above. “Don’t worry, the other one was in a suitcase. You can have that one.”
“So thoughtful,” she muttered to herself, sarcastically.
Of course Joey had desecrated a dead body and stole its personal protection equipment. Of course he wanted to actually wear this dead person’s garb and go visit the houses of more dead persons. Of course he was going to do this while high as balls on nature’s candy. Of course he was going to make her come, too.
“Here!” Joey’s face peered over the landing again and he dropped a thick, grey suitcase from up the top of the stairs. It landed with a thud beside her and snapped open, revealing the yellow biohazard gear inside. “Get dressed.”
Jenny winced, then climbed off the couch and retrieved the rubber outfit, whipping it open like a blanket before stepping inside. Was she really doing this, she wondered as she slowly zipped it up. There had been no arguing, no inner Jenny screaming at her to stop being an idiot… she was just here, wordlessly following Joey’s lead. It was a dumb lead, but she was following it.
“Might as well go out with a bang, right?” She muttered to herself, then giggled as she recalled the creepy, squelchy sound of the pop-pop-pop-bangs. “A literal bang, right?”
“What are you laughing at?”
Joey stomped down the stairs in his bright yellow biohazard garb, complete with breathing apparatus and Jenny’s laughter burst out before she could stop it. He looked ridiculous. So did she.
“Here’s to looking ridiculous.” She saluted, then pulled down her own breathing apparatus.
“Sure.” Joey grinned and bounded for the door, exuding his over-eager puppy dog aura that he so constantly wore. “Let’s goooo, my fine yellow friend.”
At first she felt self-conscious, walking the streets in this bright yellow getup, but it soon became evident that there was nothing to feel self-conscious about. There was no one around to stare at her — at them.
The sun filtered through the trees and in between houses, highlighting bushes and overgrown weeds. A chicken clucked nearby and Jenny was instantly reminded of the flock that had chased after Joey as he tried to capture them, but otherwise, it was quiet. So quiet. No cars or trucks zoomed past or in the distance, no planes or helicopters touched the skies, and not a single noise sounded from people’s homes… it was just the two of them, the emptiness, and the clucking chicken.
“Do you smell that?”
Jenny turned around. Joey had stopped several paces back and had lifted his breathing apparatus so he could smell the air around him.
“You’re breathing in mushroom fumes!” She hissed. Racing over to him, she clamped the device back over his nose and mouth, then stopped and took a whiff. Her stomach grumbled in an instantaneous reaction. “Sausages,” she whispered.
“Barbecued sausages,” Joey stressed.
“Okay…” Jenny whipped her head back and forth, then smiled at the flowers dangling overhead. “Well, the smell’s not coming from those,” she pointed at the pink petals. “It’s gotta be coming from…somewhere else.”
“That way!” Joey hooted, sniffing wildly as he gestured down a side street. “My nose will guide us!”
It All Went Down At The Whistling Fart continues! Albeit very, very, verrryyyy slowwwlllyyyyy.
My last chapter — all the way back in May xD — Jenny and Joey had a little argument. Now we follow on from that. For a catch up, Part 15 can be find here and finished up here.
It's been a while since I've written from Joey/Jenny perspectives so this feels a little rusty. This was basically freewritten while I had the sudden urge, so is in no way perfect and, as always, this is a very first rough draft.
Anyway, hope you enjoy this small snippet of a yet unfinished chapter that I felt the need to share!
Got to kick my arse into gear and finish this damned thing. I'm at 33,000 words. Need to finish, edit, and start publishing books again!
Thank you for reading! 📚😊
See you next time! 📝🤓