Something is very wrong in Splinterlands.
At first, it was easy to ignore. A few monsters started acting erratic. One of the Fungus Fiends got caught dry-humping a Chaos Knight mid-Brawl. Everyone laughed it off. “Oh, that Splinterjuice,” they said. “He’ll sleep it off.”
But then came the mutations.
It turns out mixing Rebellion and Chaos Legion cards in the same deck for too long has side effects. When exposed to Splinterjuice (the new rave drug distilled from Aura Mine waste runoff), these cross-bred monsters don’t just get stronger—they get insatiably horny. We’re not talking mating-season-type frisky. We’re talking full-on feral, DNA-fusing, battle-humping madness.
They don’t care about teams. They don’t care about alliances. These twisted fusion freaks—now classified as Hybrid Carnoplowers—randomly jump into Brawls, latch onto a fighter from one side, and start aggressively grinding them mid-match. The victim collapses in confused ecstasy, leaving their team one monster short… and the opponent wins by default.
It's no longer about who has the best lineup. It's about whether you can outrun the horny mutants.
And behind all this? A shadowy group known only as The Council of Plowmasters.
They claim to be agronomists. Stewards of the land. But let’s be real—they're the sex-crazed overlords of desire, secretly pulling strings across the Realms. Every time a monster moans in the arena, a Plowmaster gets a promotion.
They own stock in Lux Vega’s House of Debauchery. They manufacture the most potent strains of Splinterjuice (rumored to contain liquid Rebellion DNA). They even lobbied to remove certain pants-based armor sets from the card pool—“for ventilation,” they claimed. But we know better.
Some say they’re behind the recent surge in Breeding Events and “Love-Themed” rule sets. Others whisper they’re developing a new Hybrid Splinter built entirely on lust. Monsters bred for two things: fighting and freaking.
The lands are changing. And not in a good way.
Soon, strategy might not matter. The meta could be decided by who brings more aphrodisiac support cards and whose team can resist the urge to bone in Round 2. Tournament purists are panicking. Casual players are weirdly excited.
Me? I’ve started running Mylor with Chastity Totem in every match. It’s the only thing that keeps the Hybrid Carnoplowers at bay.