I think that I am ready to die now, it has been a hard life all these years and nothing much to expect even though maybe I fulfill my goals but the time that had lost will never ever come back.
SO I just wanted to really end it all now but the unfortunate thing is that I can't end my life that easy even though I have an idea on how to do it but that is not on the table as it is forbidden to take one's own life. @trafalgar
But in actuality I had been long dead if not from the technology of dialysis which is why it just prolongs my agony because being in my situation is the most hellish state one can ever experience.
Right now I am just in a hardship situation because of nausea and all these pains that I am undergoing for many years now that it is like an eternity already.
It is every move I make there would be a repercussion, if I chose this or that option there is a corresponding effect that most of the time is unpleasant mentally, physically financially. I am always in between a rock and a hard place so to speak.
So I do not know what to do anymore and I just hope that God would give me the wisdom to chose the right things for me. But I really wanted to give-up already because my life it seems is pointless already and continuing with my life now is just a crazy thought because it is hopeless.
What just makes me to press on with my life is my fear of a lingering death because if I would just stop going for my dialysis I would experience the worst death ever one could ever face and I do not have the bravery to even attempt that.
That is why I am always finding ways to doge death and trying as much as possible to stay afloat because it is too damn hard to die not being dialyzed particularly in my case that my heart is seemingly impervious and still wants to go on and on because in fact its size is still normal despite the years and years of me being congested with extra fluids that should have worn it and yet it is still "normal".
It is a bad thing which just means that I will not going to die anytime soon and that I will have to dance to the music longer. Really unfortunate because obviously the story goes longer for me considering that my tale should be closed and then thrown to the fire already. I just needed more prayers for me to endure all these until maybe God takes my spirit away and then that will just be my final rest finally.