It's strange. I have always been terrified by horror films, books and TV series. Zombies were a particular fear of mine and I had nightmares and during breakdowns would think that they were in the house or the garden. I would be too frightened to even turn the light on. For good reason these episodes occurred mainly at night. The darkness had always frightened me and the absence of normal everyday life was dreadful to me.
Despite, or perhaps because of my terror, I was also fascinated by horror. The way that some people are fascinated by a car accident or a physical deformity: you don't want to look and know that you will be horrified or disgusted by what you see but the compulsion is there nevertheless.
Psychodynamic theorists suggest that this is the urge to discover, a primal, early childhood drive to explore the forbidden. Freudians relate it to the Oedipal or Electra complex, suggesting that it is representative of the desire for the child to discover what occurs in the marital bed. What is it that Mummy and Daddy do together? Kleinians relate it to the bad object and the desire to be destroyed.
The death instinct is one of two innate drives, the other being the life instinct. The death instinct is destructive, savage and cruel. We all have it according to the psychodynamic theorists. Anorexia, bulimia and other forms of self harm are, of course, manifestations of this instinct.
My desire to watch and to read horror can also be explained by the death instinct. That part of me that seeks destruction, harm, pain leads me to experiencing those things vicariously through film and fiction. It can also be an expression of mastery. If you can tolerate this then you are strong. You have seen and read the worst. It holds nothing unknown and you can start to deal with the scary stuff if you know what you are dealing with.
The other strange thing is that I am no longer afraid of horror. I binge watched zombie related TV and films late last year when I came out of hospital and once my concentration returned I also read a lot of horror. I am very choosy though and only read the best: H.P.Lovecraft; Edgar Allan Poe; Stephen King. The latter I was introduced to by my Dad when I was a kid. My whole family love King's novels and we sometimes talk about the greats, especially The Stand. I also follow the blog 'Rereading Stephen King' on The Guardian's book site.
This week something drew me back to It which is one of King's all time greatest. I remember it being really frightening when I last read it as a young teenager. I couldn't bear to see the image of Pennyweather from the TV series and the book haunted me for years. This time, despite not consciously remembering anything about the book - other than the clown - it has had almost no effect on me.
The only effects have been thinking about childhood, about bullying, about being a scared kid, and being disturbed by the suicide of one of the characters. He died how I had planned to last week and I wonder whether that scene is why I was drawn back to the book. Perhaps it is a way for me to start to process, vicariously, what I was doing in that hotel room.
I had no idea that I had read that scene when I was a child. It makes me wonder how many of my fantasies and thoughts are strongly influenced by the media and events of my childhood. Consciously long forgotten but still stewing away in my unconscious.
Why aren't I scared? I think perhaps it is because the real monsters in the world are not supernatural but are actual people and events and the contents of our own minds. The most horrifying place that I ever found myself was in an Acute Admissions ward of a psychiatric hospital. The most frightening people I have met are those who were related or who slept in my bed with me.
I can deal with zombies, vampires, soul sucking demons. I know what they represent. The stuff that I have real trouble dealing with are members of my own family and the zombies and monsters in my mind. That thing that could torture and kill me? It is me.