The Ancient Ritual: What the Hell went wrong?

The Ancient Ritual: What the Hell went wrong?

In spite of my meticulous adherence to The Ritual, I didn’t get a single thing that I asked for - the stamina of a sexual tyranosaurus, money for nothing, and my chicks for free, etc.

Maybe I missed something?

Is it possible that I did something out of order?

I’m pretty sure that I did everything correctly - in accordance with the strict, time honored traditions of The Ritual.

I spent countless hours and considerable sums of money to ensure that authenticity was preserved, not compromised in any way, shape or form.

I’m also certain that I chose the exact, genuine artifacts from the recommended, thoroughly verified, and reputable sources for the talismans required by The Ritual.

Lastly, I painstakenly made sure that each one of the procedural steps was performed in the prescribe time and in the proper sequence.

So, again I ask, why the Hell didn’t it work? Why didn’t anything manifest?

Let’s see.

Maybe my notes can tell me what I did wrong?

...At the stroke of midnight and bathed in the glow of a full moon, I’m clothed in the outer garments of a Druid Religious High Priest - a ceremonial robe made from the fibers of a revered, 500 year old Banyan tree in India.

I am carefully outlining a circle, 5 ft. in diameter, with the rare white powder of crushed whale bones that was obtained from the reclusive tribe of Inuit Eskimos called the "Oonict-huhktuct" - translated: We can sell freakin’ anything to those dumb-ass foreigners!

Now I am bleeding a chicken that was freshly slaughtered by a local pigmy and marking two perpendicular lines within the sacred circle; forming a perfect "X" inside the circle.

I am now inhaling seven puffs of herbal smoke from my antique, American Indian peace-pipe and feeling my animal spirit entering my body and mind.

Completing this sacred, secret ritual, I disrobe.

Now I am dancing for the prescribed twenty-three minutes and twenty-three seconds around the perimeter of the circle and chanting the arcane, 3,000+ year old incantation - a dark-magic spell from the forbidden book of “Dire Sraits” - clad only in a tight, tiger skin T-back thong - worn backwards, of course.

As you can see, I did everything right, right?

By JaiChai -“My mind was a terrible thing to waste…”