🦋 Nobody ever gives you as much hate as a narcissistic partner.
Looking at this from a higher perspective, no one ever teaches you more self-love than a narcissistic partner.
Nothing else can heal the wounds you keep bleeding all over the place.
You've been wounded to your core.
And if we go even deeper, no one else will ever teach you forgiveness, except the One who is able to tear you apart in such a way that you have to break open all those old, suppressed, inflamed wounds in order to let all the pain go.
No one else can crush your heart open and make you see the amount of self-hate emerging from all those long-forgotten deep wounds. Spreading like venom through your whole existence.
Yet through it all, you managed to stay pure in your core. Therein a great amount of love is waiting, longing to break the walls and flow to all the corners of the world. To embrace all and everyone who appears on her path.
🦋 To immerse in this pure love residing at our core we need to release all self-hate which can be done only if we replace it fully with great self-love.
From there the worst experiences in life become the very best teachers.
When we recognize and embrace that, forgiveness follows and only Love remains.
🦋 I’ve been in relationships with unavailable men, with men who didn't have any interest in supporting me and my path. These men never gave me anything, they were just taking. I don’t mean any material things or a roof above my head, but these relationships were never balanced. Somehow I always stood alone and was treated as a child. As a little stupid girl who can’t take care of herself and is too stupid to do anything. Thinking about these patterns I can only see how this was programmed by my parents.
Although in many ways both of my parents were sweet and kind, they both had been damaged tremendously and some parts of them were shut down. They became hard and stone-cold to my pain as it would confront their pain and that was the last thing they needed. Because they didn’t know how to heal. Instead of that, they did what everyone does; they projected their wounds on their child.
The child that was unwanted, came too early, took their freedom and youth away.
They never said this to me in these words but I always unconsciously felt guilty and ashamed of my existence. Many years later, when I started to do the work, I realized everything. It took me a lot of time and effort before I was able to truly feel their pain and forgive them. In the forgiveness I found liberation.
🦋 In order to truly heal, I needed to be confronted with what is still living deep in me.
So I kept attracting partners who were mirroring me the unhealed traumas through their behavior.
I broke into tiny pieces so many times. I drown in pain, suffered depression, and begged God to let me die. These thoughts made me deeply unhappy. Through the tears, I’ve always seen the image of my daughter and her pain of losing me, the only person she truly had in her life, and how it would damage her. I always felt a deep responsibility for her and saw her as my greatest teacher.
Her presence in my life was the greatest invitation for me to heal. Each time I was suppressing something, she was the one showing this to me. Her love is so pure, it holds the ability to hold a space for healing. Being guided by this love and my deeply rooted desire to experience pure love between me and another human being, a man, my partner. Because I do believe I heaven on Earth. I know it is possible for all of us, but it is decided by the level of consciousness and the effort we want to put into our healing. How much are we able to forgive? How easily are we able to let go? Can we really look honestly at ourselves and make necessary changes? Or do we keep blaming others and keep existing on the vibrational level of victimhood? This place is so full of everything we don’t want and yet we keep trying to survive there. Of course, being a victim has many advantages, but at some point, we need to realize that these are just an illusion. Because there is no such a thing as a happy victim. So if we want to be truly happy in our life, we need to make a choice. If we choose happiness, everything around us will be the guide to healing.
🦋 In my case, I was attracting partners who showed me narcissistic behavior because this was a pattern I experienced with my parents in my childhood. To be able to escape terrible situations, to fully remove them from my life and free me I had to face all these wounds and traumas to innerstand: it was never about them. It was about what happened for me, not to me, and what I was able to take out of it.
How honestly I was able to look into the mirror presented. And I’ve been denying, I’ve been blaming, I’ve been crying for being so victimized. Until I started to realize how many presents wrapped in the ugly paper were gifted to me by the Universe to push me to go where I want to be.
To live the love I so desire, I had to find this Love in myself. Love never comes from the outside. It is locked in our hearts till the moment we reach this place and open the doors to this healing light.
The moment we get this done, our life turns into magic.
I am eternally grateful for all the pain, struggle, abandonment, and rejection I had to face with the men in my life. Their unwanted behavior invited me to become the kind of person I would fall in love with. I broke thousands of times just to be able to re-build myself in a way I can be proud of.
I am finding myself living in a state in which my heart is overflowing with love and hurt never hurts too deeply anymore. Because letting go and forgiving are such easy things to do once we realize, we were always on the path to Divine self-love just like everyone else is. If we can see and truly innerstand this, we will find, we are not each other's enemies, merely teachers. And it’s up to us how long our learning process takes. The moment we step out of the victimhood, the healing comes.
Through healing we become Love.
~Nika 🦋
