Compelling Thoughts #1: Putting More Value on the Things that Matter

Hello everybody!

I just don't know how to express this in a way that my true emotions can be felt, but I definitely miss writing on my blog. These past few weeks have been "messy" for me, probably because I was not able to re-align the things that I want to do with the things that I am actually doing. In short, I am distracted and lazy that it makes every single day less and less productive.

The most probable culprit? My addiction to this game on my phone called "Mobile Legends: Bang Bang". I think it would be too long if I explain what this game is, but it is more or less similar to DoTA (Defense of the Ancients). If I were to sum up all the time I spent on playing this game, I probably have written ten posts on this blog that might provide useful information to the readers. The worst part is, I was so emotionally invested in the game that the more loses I incur, the more I find it difficult to do other tasks that I should prioritize for that day. It came to a point that I skip my meals. Of course, a good night sleep was the first on the list that I was able to easily sacrifice just to regain every lost battle and train every hero that I want to use in the game. I almost lost the drive to do the tasks assigned to me by my research adviser. As a second-year Master's Degree student, it is expected that I deliver my outputs well given enough time allotted to me. But no, I was not in the mood to be responsible for all these things.

I'm just too lucky that things were not too late for me yet. Gail, a dear friend of mine, decided that we should set another brainstorming session for our next posts in The Confidence Project. She noticed that I'm "off" and not in the right momentum to pull things off. I told her my frustrations and being the good friend that she is, she helped me resurface the underlying issues behind my behavior.

It turned out that I placed too much value on my rank in the game. I took every battle in the game seriously that I considered it as a personal failure and that I should regain myself as soon as I can to the point of not even caring if I have sacrificed the most important obligations or not. I realized I lost the fun part of gaming, mainly because I was so invested in making sure I'm a better player than anyone else. I was so into the idea of being in a higher rank that I am willing to sacrifice the more practical and realistic aspects of my life.

If you think about it, the game must not be the one to be blamed. The main culprit is my own negative reactions that I always inflict to myself. The game could have been fun, but how I reacted to the situation made the purpose of entertainment useless. As I reflect on my position in the journey that I am taking, I should be mature enough to know when and where to place things rightly.

One main attributable reason for this behavior is that ever since I started being a teenager, the only thing I cared about was my studies. Before, I promised myself not to continue playing DoTA (Defense of the Ancients) online game because I want to secure a scholarship grant for my university studies. When I reached college, I did the same promise: Never commit in any online games for it might affect your appetite in doing more important things especially those that are school-related. I do not know if this is the right term, but probably I am unconsciously craving for something that I was not able to do in the past. I put too many constraints in myself that things that are happening right now are almost not in my control anymore.

I believe that no self-disciplinary actions are perfect. However, if this incident did not happen, I will never know my potential to disorganize myself in this kind of situation. Despite the "messiness" of my week, I felt that this experience compelled me to be more mindful of the things that I should put more value and effort.

Right now, I am still actually playing Mobile Legends, but without the emotional breakdowns, unnecessary anger and uncontrolled spending of time. I want to use it as an avenue to keep at bay with the inner child that is still in me. Actually, I am thankful for this experience because I never knew that I still have this child-like nature in myself, after all the experiences that I had that made my maturity grow. Ever since I entered college, I have always been the strict, mother-like classmate that always discourages anyone who tries to juggle gaming and work. Well, right now I am the hypocrite one! Hahaha.

I just want to see this game as a way of balancing the level of my seriousness and the kind of entertainment I am having at the same time. We go back to the idea that the best way to live our life is to put more value on the more important things. As for myself, spending more time in making my research proposal, improving my writing skills, and earning money through private tutorials and online ESL teaching must be the first on the list starting from now. The challenge lies in being able to balance all of the workloads that I have to do. But hey, what is life without the struggles? I'm sure it would be boring!

Always aiming to be the best version of myself,

Jay (@jsmalila) <3