One never really stop a minute to ask oneself this question... and when one does, one never takes the answers seriously. Too much to do, too much to change, it looks too painful already😧
It might have been easier for me simply because from my early childhood, I always had the feeling that I didn't fit-in. In my family. In my school. Between my mates. I never got the chance to feel comfortable enough to Not ask myself "What the f...k is going on here?". I couldn't find sense around me. As a child I never understood why things were the way they were. What was natural for them, looked insane to me...
I believe Free Will is a choice where Intuition and Reason meet halfway to create who you are, to create your life. If you use too much Reason, you do too much mistakes forcing a way, a direction you imagined first, from a limited perspective. But if you keep it balanced with your Intuition, then you can start to let go of your plans (better said : the plans society had for you) and be opened to the big plan Life propose to you!
My choice has been to abandon my studies at ... the last year of my degree! Don't want a career = I'll miss all the rest!!! ...Life!... I don't know where I go, but I know what I leave. I leave my country, I leave the points of reference I knew.. They are not really mine anyway. And I'd like to let go all those things we do everyday, not because we decide to do them, just because we think we have to do them... I need to find sense. I want to simplify things, to find more meaning in my existence, and feel more alive.
Tabula Rasa : Let's start again, and try to find My way this time.
First, I needed a refuge, and needed to be surrounded by nature. I needed to learn how to feel safe, to reach a certain autonomy. I'd like to become an adult, a real one.. somebody who can support herself : with her hands and her wisdom. So I started by building this :
Let's go back in time. Two years ago, I couldn't pay the rent anymore, almost no money left. But I had a piece of land already bought that I fall in love with, the kind of land that you don't know where to start, it's so much to do : no track to get there, no water neither, and it's pretty steep. It's why I got it so cheap... BUT, Great Views!!! I feel like an eagle there! or maybe a smaller version... more vulnerable probably... hahaha
And now I can say that with some time and obstinacy... I've build a very strong Off-Grid refuge for about 4000€. I don't pay rent anymore, I've sold my car to buy a conversion kit to make an electric bike, and the only bill I have is a 17€ internet bill a month!!
To get to the point to slowly built what I feel is my dream nest, it has been a long process made of deconstruction and exploration. 11 years ago, I arrived in this new country alone, confused, without a professional background, but full of curiosity and ready to catch any opportunity that would cross my way. I may fail but I'm not prepare to take this "dead life" I'm supposed to have.
I'm not naive, I don't expect it to be easy, neither perfect, but at least I would have given it a go.
So like this, I ended up in Barcelona. I didn't plan to live in a big city, just accidents of life...
I had a great time there, at first. Changing job every few weeks, I've learnt a lot slipping into the skin of many different people and trying for a short time their lives. Obviously, I had a lot of fun partying too... and meeting a lot of people from all over the world. Such a diversity to explore! It was very intense! A lot to process... In that time I could travel with almost no money and I was sure to find a new job any time I would need one.
In 2008, I even ran a bar for a couple of years. Worst period to start a business!! But we did well : working hard, paying all our debts and leaving when the first opportunity came, before it's too late.
Lots of souvenirs there... a friend did the painting for us : http://philippeboonen.net/ (in a mad version of his work), the bar became my home for a long year (it was impossible to get a flat), and lots of funny moments with crazy friends...
All this ended. Life in Barcelona became harder and harder, and it was time for me to finally ask myself what to do : Now I'll imagine and build my future.