Account Recovered; I’m back! I thought I’d lost all of my info and been locked out for good. But I’ve regained access to this steemit account after nearly 2 years. In which time, there have been so many changes, in my life and the world. Where to begin?
Why don’t I just dive right in...
For the past two years and before I’ve had to live with the effects of PTSD and CPTSD including hypervigilance, dissociation, frequent panic attacks, insomnia, TMJ, and more.
These symptoms when they get bad enough compound one another and lead to agoraphobia, I literally don’t want to leave the house, ever. It doesn’t help that I live in a very small town and despite my best intentions, motives and personal conduct, I’ve inadvertently made a few enemies here, people you don’t want to mess with.
It’s always darkest before the dawn
I have flashbacks, depression, fatigue and dysregulation of my emotions.
I’m not crazy, though sometimes It’s felt that way. But, what may be worse than all of that, is the feeling of sometimes being completely out of step with the world.
As an aside: I’ve had a number of unique experiences I know most people may not be able to relate to. Beginning when I was very young.
Hitting rock bottom
I wound up homeless for a time, because of my symptoms, a dark night of the soul (not my first) that would eventually bring healing; Yeah, that’s not what I expected either. It was through that experience my heart really opened up again, after many years of walling it off (unconsciously and unknowingly), operating mostly from the mind and my personality structure. I allowed myself to receive again, to ask for help when I needed it and then I began to see others again, clearly, in a way I hadn’t seen people for quite some time and when I gave, I gave more fully from the heart.
It’s a difficult thing to convey. My experience can’t be easily described in words.
I’ve spent most of my life focused on the wrong things.
I'm aware that what I thought I wanted, what I thought was necessary for a fulfilling life is merely a byproduct of something much greater.
I’ve felt and come to know the presence of the divine.
It’s no longer a question or a matter of faith or lack of faith for me.
I discovered through my experience what the words ‘The Kingdom of God is Within’ really mean. My life now is one in which I’m thankful every day to have a roof over my head, food to eat and clothes on my back.
My life depended on me finding a way, a way through, a way to heal.
I’m still healing, it’s a process. I’ve come a long way and learned a lot, from the ground up.
Throughout this process of healing, I’ve spent countless hours immersing myself in learning psychology, comparative religious and mystical traditions and techniques to learn what others have known as it relates to my firsthand experience.
The past couple of years the insights have sort of incubated.
I’ve been able to test many of my theories and look long enough at the problem(s) of trauma and pain for patterns to emerge, then by corroborating what I’ve learned, refine, retest, look for parallels in others' experiences, then, finally derive a conclusion.
By getting in touch with what you might call my higher self—through this process, I’ve learned to pay attention to the signs and synchronicities unfolding daily. This is simply part of my life now that I can no longer deny or pretend away as I reconnect to Spirit.
I’m frequently surprised to find how closely what I’ve learned and theorized - based on my experience - coincides with what I find in a book, or other resources. Because I’m always intent on connecting the dots. The knowledge I've built is extrapolated from various insights and theories, guided by intuition, filtered through critical thinking. Though often the information comes to me like an epiphany, directly from that part of me that's connected to something larger.
For me, the hard times, the shit, has been fertilizer for new growth.
I'd like to share the knowledge from that development with you.
I still struggle to make my way financially because of my symptoms, but I’m getting better, healing, and reconnecting to myself again to a degree I wouldn’t have thought possible only a couple years ago.
As I’ve uncovered ways of healing myself, I’d like to begin sharing some of my lessons and insights. As a planet right now, we seem to be going through a time of revealing, as the ancients prophesized. Perhaps others who are experiencing similar situations or symptoms may find relief through the methods and techniques. If you haven’t experienced the dark & the light in such a way, perhaps you’ll be more interested in the meaning. Maybe there’s something deep within, calling you to reconnect too. Or maybe you won’t be interested at all. That's ok too. I'm willing to take the risk, even if it means alienating some people by aligning to what's true.
I don't mean to be provocative. My hope is that Steemit is still a place that values uniqueness, where one can freely share perspectives, even if they're outside the box. Thanks for reading.
Photo Credits:
Cover Photo: Adam Scott Miller, Adamscottmiller.com
(Used with permission.)
Photo #1.) by Luke van Zyl on Unsplash
Photo #2.) by Daniel Olah on Unsplash
Photo #3.) by Elaine Casap on Unsplash
Photo #4.) by Jaime Casap on Unsplash
Photo #5.) by Wolfgang Hasselmann on Unsplash