Hey Steemit! Hope you are all well. I am happy to be here!
My name is Lee. I am a drummer, entrepreneur, and recent college graduate from the Southeast USA.
I decided to come to Steemit because my twin brother, Ben, took his own life a few months ago on July 22, 2017. Losing him has been the toughest pain imaginable. After recently celebrating our birthday without him (September 24th), my grieving over Ben accelerated exponentially.
Grieving absolutely sucks and is impossible to escape. So, I created a Vimeo channel as a way to cope with his passing. Me and my Ben’s bond as twins was rooted in music, so in each video uploaded I will memorialize him by playing along on drums to songs that capture Ben's spirit. I'll also throw in short backstories that portray what it feels like to be a twin brother.
Here is the first video. The backstory of the song's significance to me and my brother can be found below.
I plan to upload a new video/story once a month, so check back!
A Twin's Story About Love
Growing up, Ben and I fought often -- almost daily. The amount of friction between us was baffling at times. However, when music was involved, being around each other was absolutely effortless. Music made it fun to be around each other. Our shared love for music eventually boiled over into a deep love for each other.
My first video includes a song Ben showed me in his car in high school eight years ago. It's a song called "Bodysnatchers" on Radiohead's In Rainbows album. Hearing it for the first time felt like my body was jolted with electricity. My reaction was no surprise to Ben. He already knew I would freak out over the song. He watched with his characteristic, shit-eating grin as I sat there elated and mystified.
I was hooked after that first listen. I listened to “Bodysnatchers” again and again, searching for the moments that gave me the same unanticipated jolt of electricity. Eventually, I maxed out my my tolerance with listening and it was time to take "Bodysnatchers" to my drum set.
With speakers blaring and high school angst raging, I proceeded to play along to “Bodysnatchers” on my drums hundreds and hundreds of times, my brother listening angrily from his bedroom. Ben utterly despised everything about my drumming, at least in the initial years when I sucked at playing them.
Ben's frustration with me over drumming "Bodysnatchers" quickly lead him to grow tired of it. He told me, "you definitely like the song more than me. It's just not that good of a song, Lee." Right, Ben. It’s a fucking amazing song.
Ben absolutely still loved "Bodysnatchers", but that's not how our twin dynamic operated. If I took an interest in something that Ben already liked, Ben would dream up some bullshit reason for why he didn't like it anymore (“it’s just not that good of a song, Lee”).
---> Fast forward six years. Our twin dynamic was drastically different. Ben was in a horrible spot mentally and I worried for him. Looking for a solution, I decided to buy Ben and I tickets to see Radiohead live in April. I of course knew Ben was struggling, but was completely unaware he was likely already planning to end his life four months later. The trip was his goodbye.
Radiohead’s tickets sold out instantly. But, with some redheaded luck, I was able to grab us two amazing tickets. While most of our friends were unable to get any tickets at all, I somehow managed to get two general admission tickets right next to the stage. It was meant to be. Telling Ben I got us tickets that close to the stage was the first time I heard him get excited about anything in a long time. It gave me hope for him.
After purchasing the tickets, Ben and I both agreed without any hesitation that we would wait as long as needed to snag a great spot at the show. We ended up waiting eight hours in the sun. After many beers and Ben stubbornly refusing to put on sunscreen, we found ourselves fifteen feet from center stage at Radiohead.
The show was unbelievably good. But, my favorite moment came during the second encore when Radiohead played it. Eight years had passed since Ben first showed me "Bodysnatchers" in his car, and Radiohead was fucking playing it. The jolt came back on overdrive. Memories and emotions of high school came over me like a waterfall, so much that I cried during the last half of the song. I couldn't believe what I was experiencing. Seeing "Bodysnatchers" live was musical nirvana.
My brother, on the other hand, saw my emotional catharsis and immediately began laughing uncontrollably at me for being "soft." With the same shit-eating grin, Ben reiterated my "softness" on the car ride home multiple times. I don't blame Ben for poking fun. Ben didn't realize that "Bodysnatchers" captures his suffering precisely in it's lyrics:
"I do not understand what I've done wrong"
"I'm trapped in this body and I can't get out"
"I have no idea what I'm talking about"
Maybe, it was the song’s connection to my brother’s suffering that made me cry. Maybe, I cried because it was some synchronistic way of the universe telling me it was one of the last times I’d be with him. Twins know much more about their counterpart than they realize.
I love you, Ben, and will miss you always.
P.S. you never paid me back for the $110 Radiohead ticket, asshole.