Why haven't I ended all? Why I'm I still alive? Why don't I get help? All of these questions I have asked myself every day and have heard people tell me. Well, the answer is simply because I can't. I simply don't have the courage to go through with killing myself, nor do I have the courage to ask for help. My whole life I have felt as if I been neglected, ignored and rejected by my peers and family. I have never had luck with women, I struggle with making friends, I have a hard time communicating with people, and I struggle with school and other activities. I have never very been popular nor have I ever felt acknowledged by anyone. 
My best friend was a dog that ran away and I spend my whole life behind a computer hiding from the world outside. So, after all this way haven't I committed suicide you might ask? Well, an excuse I probably always make and tell myself is because I am afraid of pain, so stabbing, shooting, or choking myself is something that I would never do. But, isn't death instant? It is... so why haven't I done it still? Maybe it's because I want to die at the hands of another person... but I tell myself all the time that I am the person I hate most, so that wouldn't make much sense. Maybe it's because I believe I still have a purpose to live on? I mean even though my whole life I felt as if I haven't done anything meaningful doesn't mean I can't in the future right? 
Is suicide really the answer to all my agony and suffering? I don't see myself as anything more than a failure or capable of changing, but I am still alive. That has to mean something. You see I used to wake up every morning telling myself that today will be a better day... But not anymore now I just tell myself that this day can't possibly be worst than the last.
The only thing the I seemingly enjoy is being able to express myself by typing it or saying it in person. I even exaggerate it and add humour to myself to make it more enjoyable. 
So, again why haven't I ended it all? Maybe it's because all those years that I have been alive have actually meant something to me more than I know. I mean if you really sit down and think about it all those years you have been alive all those events that you have experienced all gone in just one moment by ending it... is it really worth it? Don't you want to see how far you can go? Or see if a miracle happens? the only way you can tell is if you live for it... So, maybe that's why I am still living. My whole life I have seen myself as nothing more than a burden, stupid, ugly, weak, and worthless, but is 2 decades of life and memories worth losing just because things haven't been going your way? Maybe... just maybe I am still alive because I want to be deep down. Even if someone has a gun pointed at me or has offered to kill me would I still take that chance to end it all? I don't know yet... I don't know anymore... But I don't want to. For, now all I know is that I want to express myself and entertain other people by doing so because that is something I enjoy doing and it's something that makes me happy.
Thank you for reading and giving me a chance to express myself
I love steemit and I plan on posting more content in the future so stay followed
Love, Lil Willy