From a young age, I felt separate, an alien in consciousness
creating pain and feelings of confusion because “I do not belong here.”
I swore my identity was not made of flesh and bone.
I struggled to call Earth my home.
How I imagined the world to be was not my reflected reality.
The rejection of compassion and forgiveness was all too much too miss.
Money and success could not seduce me.
Corruption, lies, and greed controlled by corporate deeds
was the standard human feed.
This was not the place I wanted to be.
Not a soul seemed to be living truly free.
I kept fleeing, to where there was no sound of humans
caught in the net of their own lie, where suffering would not be found.
Running down the road, hoping to meet someone who was not
caught in the samsara of illusion and confusion, I kept going.
Each time, a false prophet would seduce my eager spirit and each time,
you would show me your wounded human.
Was no-one truly free? This couldn’t be!
And each time, my heart would feel a spark of inspiration
sending me in a new direction, I would give up
because something didn’t feel right.
And nothing was more real than the fear that kept me hiding,
that kept me trying to find my place and
set my stage on this planet in motion,
but like the Earth spinning,
the sun was always rising and setting somewhere,
And I was never able to grab a hold long enough
to slow down and settle,
plant roots and make a home, somewhere to call my own,
even for a moment to feel the pain I felt of human suffering.
When I walked down the street I could hear your thoughts,
And feel your feelings, and it was all mine, and it was too much to feel.
And I would fall, a terrible mess, fragile and weak, and sick again
because life was not the heavenly bodied experience I had expected.
Now the sweet embrace of nature, of mother Earth would comfort me,
but I was still alone, no bed, no home
.
I kept spinning in frustration and confusion, which way was up or down?
I couldn’t tell the sky from the ground.
Caught between the constraints of space and time,
there is nothing more painful than the purgatory of being human,
when one reality is the same as the next in this insane game.
I wasn’t buying what the mass mind says should be and ought to be.
I prayed, Dear God, please make me AWAKE and FREE.
I SURRENDER!
Please let the unconditional flow of Love direct me.
There was so much dynamic tension between who
I saw in the mirror and who I knew myself to be.
Fumbling around in the dark,
praying one day I’d find the place or person or piece
of something that reflected to me who
I was and what I was supposed to be.
Me-er than me?
Genius or delusion?
No amount of praise could quell this internal haze that saw
No mentor or teacher or story that inspired her to pick a way to be.
On the move, a cosmic gyspy, a shapeshifter
with a million masks and one face,
I changed my name like the weather,
my gender and age was neither set nor stable.
I would change clothes three times in one day,
because the 16 year old boy couldn’t wear the clothes
of an 8o year old grandmother
or 67 year old preacher man.
I seemed to be more intune with the angel realms
and dragon energy than a human entity.
I swore I wasn’t from here.
Captain Lila Star, Pleadian priestess,
Emissary of the galactic federation from 7000 years in the future,
where money and cars can only be found in the
hologram of akashic records where you’ll find relics and vestiges of ancient pasts.
There was no label or job or box that felt more real than nothing for me.
It was as if I was just a hollow shell, and only GOD could fill me.
I had no interest in participating in choosing one thing, in playing the human game,
unless I was sure that God was reffing the play.
You see, the only thing real for me was the opportunity to be a channel for divinity.
Breathe me, dance me, muse me, mystic stars of creation,
but please don’t abuse me because I am nothing without you.
I mean what if life was one big joke, and one day I awoke
and I was center stage, and I had nothing to say,
for nothing was more real than what I could feel,
And there was nothing to say!
No thing that words could describe to explain
the ineffable awe of being everything and nothing at all.
And that was my chance to live my dream of being seen,
of sharing something worth sharing,
something to claim my stake on this Earth,
and instead all that was said, was
"I AM YOU. I AM YOU.
I plead guilty of introspection, and searching
in every direction for who I truly AM.
I am no longer tendering separation and discrimination that I am not you,
yet I am too scared to be anything that might limit me from everything."
Written in 2012, I LOVE YOU, Lila*Star
You're PERFECT just the way you are.