Where Can I Even Begin
What an absolute journey this has been for me. Steemit has been Life Changing and I don't say that lightly. I've never felt so at home and it's safe to say I'm here to stay :) I have real and beautiful information to share with my wonderful steemian friends. You guys are the reason I stay and I couldn't be more grateful for this community. Through some of my hardest times, I've been able to come here and feel safe. That is why I am going to share this with you.
That guy above is me holding a nickel but pretending it's a bitcoin lol. Oh man what a world we live in and what an incredible time to be alive, right? I've had an insane amount of ups and downs but the clear consistent thing in my life for the past 4 months has definitely been my belief in steemit. I believe that steemit has the ability to change the world.
It's safe to say that I never felt like I fit in my whole life. I always did "things" differently. I was the artist/musician of the family. The weird one. I couldn't focus in school and I had a hard time absorbing information that I didn't care about. I struggled to keep my grades up in high school and my parents tried everything. I was pretty unhappy to be completely honest and somewhere along the lines I got totally disconnected. My grades got to a point where we felt as though I needed to try medication for my ADHD which I was diagnosed with early on. The medication adderall was prescribed to me and little did I know it would be the biggest downfall of my high school years.
The Adderall helped my attention span and my grades skyrocketed! it wasn't long before I turned my 70's into 90's on every test. My family was pleased and so was I. What I wasn't aware of the nasty side effects that were creeping up on me. I truly had no idea what kind of ride I was in for.
Let's fast forward a few months. The adder all surpassed my appetite so I was never hungry and eating felt like a terrible burden. I was NEVER hungry! I never wanted to eat. The worst part about this is that I was on the wrestling team at the time. Everyday I had wrestling practice after school for a couple hours. Rigorous training which required unyielding amounts of energy. My body was completely breaking down. No food in my stomach, crashing from the adderall, and intensely working out was a pretty terrible combination. I didn't know what kind of damage I was doing to myself.
I was lost and even more alone before the medication. I didn't even recognize myself anymore. I was angry, hostile and manic. I would come home after wrestling practice like a total maniac. My parents were concerned and worried by my terrible mood swings. I wish I could've prevented all of this looking back but I'm now thankful for my story as it may help someone else. They took me back to the psychiatrist and instead of taking me off the adderall, they added more medications to try and "level" out my mood swings. At this point I was 16 years old living on a cocktail of mood stabilizers and other meds. My mindset only got worse. I absolutely hated who I had become. I was a zombie.Quite frankly I struggled to find a reason to be alive at this point. I stopped wrestling and fell into a terrible depression as they added more meds and kept trying to "fix"my "state of mind". I was scared to stop taking these meds by myself because they told me I would have severe withdrawals and possible seizures. I felt like a prisoner of my own mind. A lot of people would always tell me "well just stop if you don't want to take them". When I tell you I was scared to stop... I was SCARED to stop. Anytime id miss a dose of a certain medication I would feel even more messed up. So yeah I was frightened to live on them and frightened to live off them.
I was searching so bad for a light at the end of the tunnel but it was practically impossible to see one. I started crying out for help by self destructing. I started smoking pot which seemed to help take me outside of myself. I was a true mess. Combining drugs and mixtures to attempt feeling better would only make things worse. Looking back I don't even blame myself. I became suicidal. I was in a state of mind I don't wish on my worst enemy. I felt as though I had zero reason to live. My brain chemistry was so impaired that I did not think my life was worth it. I thank god every day for protecting me the way he has. After a few more years of suffering and a couple of failed attempts to not exist, I decided something had to give. I knew their had to be something better for me. My life was not meant for this suffering. Somewhere deep down in my fog filled mind I knew that something had to change because I was not put here for this. I just knew it.
It just came down to two simple things. Living..or Dying. I thought logically about it and decided well its not my time to die and I wasn't meant for that so if I am going to live, it certainly can no longer be like this. I was absolutely determined to come off of these medications and I was willing to die trying. With the help of a professional healthcare facility, I came off of 3 different medications in the course of 2 weeks. The rest was a breeze to ween off of after that. Those 2 weeks were painful. But I was able to find comfort knowing it was all coming to an end. My creativity and passion for music started coming back. I started writing songs again. I was able to breath fresh air. I felt as though I was being reborn. I was stuck in such a dark place for over 4 years... It was literally like living in a nightmare. I'm able to share my story today in the hopes it can help someone else. I just want to be real with the ones around me who have shown me nothing but love. What better way to give back to a community then by being yourself and getting personal. My life has made a complete 360. This past year has been one of the most experiential/ amazing years of my life. I'm truly living again and it never felt so good.
My dreams are coming true right before my eyes and the best part is that I get to share it with you beautiful people! Even my darkest times. Thats okay! I get to be part of this wonderful community and its helping me continue on this bright path of love and peace. I get to take pictures of beautiful places and share it on steemit! I get to play music and write new songs and share it on steemit! I get to make friends for life all here on steemit! This is by far the most inspiring platform I've ever discovered and I can never repay my debt to steemit. It's like a dream here.. Sometimes I can't even believe its real but the best part is that its helping me build the life of my dreams. It's taking place right before my eyes in such positive light. I have so much gratitude for the gifts I've received and steemit is by far on the top of that list. Just the way I saw my life crumbling before my eyes in high school. Now its the exact opposite and steemit has allowed me to share and create freely with other individuals who have the same ultimate goal as I do! I will never stop fighting for freedom and peace. This is LOVE ! STEMIT IS LOVE! Thankyou to all of you who have been a part of this incredible community. It is my goal to help steemit grow and to continue loving others the way I was loved when I got here. Thankyou so much for letting me share parts of my story with you. Even the dark stuff because I made a promise to be real with you. I love you all so much and I can't wait to start posting more. I finally got over my writers block and decided to just go balls deep into the juicy stuff and it never felt better. STEEM ON MY WONDERFUL PEOLPLE!
Bye for now:)