I've been collecting good dad jokes for a while, so here's what I have so far. I have them on my phone so I can break them out and make my friends laugh. Enjoy!
How does NASA organize a party?
They planet!
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
What's brown, sticky, and RED?
It's that bloody stick again!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
What is it called when a chameleon cannot change its color?
A reptile dysfunction
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
My buddy got fired from the calendar factory - just because he took a few days off.
Did you know that French fries weren’t originally cooked in France?
They were fried in Greece!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-soda.
What’s the best day to cook?
Fry-day.
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies!
And the award for best neckwear goes to...
Huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie.
Why did the chicken rock band have to cancel their tour?
Because somebody ate all their drumsticks.
Why do mice have such small balls?
Because not many of them know how to dance.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are about 2 dollars and deer nuts are under a buck.
What's the difference between a hippo and Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
My crosseyed girlfriend left me today.
She was seeing someone else.
What kind of medicine used to be a power tool?
Benadryl.
How do astronauts stay warm?
They use a space heater.
Are you going to watch the origami competition on TV tomorrow?
I won't. It's on paper view.
I have to make a confession. I have a fear of speed bumps...
but I'm slowly getting over them.
How do you call a wolf that knows what's going on?
Awarewolf
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it's fully groan.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite
What kind of day has no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The p is silent
Why did I Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for his lousy summer.
A limbo champion walks into a bar...
he's disqualified.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.
I know he means well.
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
What's Mozart up to these days?
Decomposing
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
You know what they say about eating a lot of watches.
It's very time consuming.
Did you hear about the programmer who moved to Mexico?
He’s now a Señor Developer!
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
This isn’t a question… I’m just telling you.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite, but they’re a solid number 2.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
The nurse handed me my new born baby. "Sorry, your wife didn’t make it."
He hands the baby back and says, "Bring me the one my wife made"
I called work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a weak cough."
He said, "You have a week cough?"
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
What's E.T. Short For?
Because he only has 2 tiny legs.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
What type of metal can stop any car?
A copper.
What can you steal from someone to make them delighted?
Lamps
I adopted a dog who used to belong to a blacksmith...
I know he used to belong to a blacksmith because as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
You know what's really odd?
Numbers which can't be divided by 2.
I read an article that said Steve Harvey keeps arguing with his wife and kids.
It's a Family Feud.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left?
Bison.
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater.
I didn't even know they could knit!
What's the difference between a well-dressed bicyclist and a poorly dressed unicyclist?
Attire.
What did the child say when he hit his knee?
Ow, my kidney.
What did baby corn say to a mom corn?
Where’s popcorn?
I once did a theatrical performance about puns
It was a play on words.
Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too, if you had to change in public!
A detective has found the criminal who stole a lady's baggage in an hour.
Turns out it was a brief case.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A sub-woofer
I never trust people with graph paper
It always seems like they're plotting something
Why do monkeys make great friends?
Because they are prime mates.
How do we measure snakes?
In centimeters because snakes do not have feet.
Who here has heard of Pavlov?
Yeah, that name should ring a bell.
Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off?
Don't worry, he's all right.
I don't put an orange in my beer often
Except for once in a Blue Moon.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Yes, of course. Houses don't jump at all!
How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I had to quit cold turkey.
Everyone knows santa is European, right?
North Polish to be precise.
How do you fall down stairs?
Step 1
Step 2
Step 4
Step 15
Four guys are in a boat and each has a cigarette.There are 3 matches. What do they do?
One guy throws his cigarette overboard and makes the boat a cigarette lighter.
What kind of shoes do artists wear?
Sketchers
I served eggs Benedict on a hubcap...
because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
I love "leave a penny, take a penny" trays...
It just seems like common cents.
I've just got this job answering other people's phones...
But it turns out it's not for me.
How much do Santa’s reindeer cost?
Nothing! They’re on the house!
There was a shooting today where the suspect used a starting pistol.
They say it was race related.
I bought a gun from a t-rex once...
He's a small arms dealer.
I saw a top ten list of card games today...
Uno was number one.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
The sweater I got last Christmas kept picking up static electricity...
So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one... free of charge.
What do you call a man with no shins?
Neil
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
69 and 70 got into a fight.
71
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.