One quote that hits me with everything in my life is: "You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."
Well here is my first step.
When you go into the foster system at 9 years old and bounced around from home to home even prior to that, you really lose your familiar identity. And now, as a parent, there are so many things that I wish I knew.
*Where did my parents come from?
*Where did they grow up?
*Who are their parents, grandparents and where did they come from?
*What is my true ethnicity and genealogical background?
*Which health concerns, if any, should I be worried about with my children?
*Will this hair line keep receding?
The list of questions are endless and, as i am learning, are almost all unanswerable.
The more time passes, the more people, whom could answer my questions, pass. As of today, there are only about 4 people left alive that can "accurately" answer questions regarding my upbringing and family history. I use quotes because all of those 4 people have drug ridden past and their reality might not parallel with truth. But it is still a "truth" I'd like to know.
Recently, in attempts to start piecing my past together, I looked up an reached out to one of these four people. Dave - my step father. I haven't spoken to Dave in 29 years since he skipped out on my three brothers and I after my mom passed when i was 9. I wasn't that eager to ever talk to him until recently. Having your own children really puts things into perspective and shows you what truly is important. One of the main driving forces behind my journey to discover who I am is so my children will know who their dad is, was and from where he came. An overlooked luxury that I didn't get to enjoy myself.
After scouring Facebook and reaching out to a few people i obtained Dave's phone number and set up a call. I was sure to record it so that i could reference it later if needed. I didn't really want to take notes while talking to him so that i could give him my undivided attention and really be present.
It was a little awkward at first. Typical "how's the weather" opening dialogue. I knew a lot of what i was seeking to accomplish in the conversation but didn't know exactly where to start. So i asked him to tell me all he knew about my mom. He said, "well, she was tall. And she was a good artist. A good woman." Annnnnnnnnd that was it. That, after years of marriage together was all he could muster up to share with me.
I didn't let him off the hook that easy, however, and kept prodding and poking around until he gave me more and more information. He prefaced the conversation by telling me that he had a long history with drug addition, was diagnosed as bipolar and with PTSD so his memory is a little shaky, and it showed. But the more i was able to give him dots to connect, he was able to draw lines.
In the end i learned a little bit more about him, my brothers my mother and even me. The big take away was i just felt bad for the guy. Going through challenges in your life, especially as a child, you generally only focus on the outcome of yourself. and how it effected you. Especially if one of the pains was being abandoned by your step father and left living in an orphanage weeks after you mother passed - The main reason it took me 29 years to reach out to him. But the more i talked to him and got his side of the story, I learned that he too was deeply impacted. Not only did he lose his wife, his job and every plan he set his life's purpose on but he also lost his son (my half brother) and his three step sons. I couldn't imagine that pain.
His life instantly went in a tail spin after the state took us away from him. (I don't blame them, after all we were living in a tent in the woods for two weeks). He went on a 15 year drug binge and moved to Texas where he got involved with some bad people and really just tried killing the pain by trying to kill himself while not actively trying.
Since then he met a great woman who changed his life around and forced him to "get his shit together." He had two more children and has been sober for 10 years. He seems in a good spot but still has flashbacks and nightmares about his past and regrets about all he "could have done" with and for his boys. Especially since the other three hate and blame him for their misfortunes in their own lives.
We ended the 1.5 hour conversation and promised to keep in touch and he said he would share any more info with me if he remembers it. He didn't enlighten me to too much on things that i didn't know and didn't answer most of my questions thoroughly but he did teach me a little more about empathy and forgiveness; which is almost just as good as answers.
That one conversation sparked a fire in me and i am now trying to find and reach out to the other three people that are still alive that might be able to help me chase my past. The only problem is two are my uncles - both of whom that i do not have a relationship with at all for over 10 years and the third is my biological dad, whom i never met before in my life and was in prison most of his life.
I never thought that this journey would be easy, physically or emotionally but it sure does make it that much more rewarding when you find pieces to your puzzle and you can start putting together. Right now i feel i have most of the border done. the most important part. :)
Wish me luck and if anyone wants me to keep updating you, let me know. Encouragement goes a long way in a journey like this. We all have our own journeys in us, hopefully mine can encourage yours.