When it comes to BDSM and kink, I believe if it is there that it has always been in you, you just need someone to help you discover it. There is always someone. Someone who introduces you to it. Someone who shows you a side of yourself that you never knew existed. Sometimes they come into your life early and only stay for a short while, leaving you with this need you never knew you needed. Sometimes they come into your life when you need them most and show you a world you can't understand how you lived without. I have a bit of both.
I have always been different. I've always been proud to be different. One thing I never was is self confident. I know I know, how can I be proud of being different, but then want to hide it, that doesn't make any sense. I love myself, all the wonderful unique ways I am different from others, but others aren't quite so accepting of 'weird'. But when I was a teen, I found people who accepted my 'weird', and loved me more for it. After a devastating breakup with my first love (I'll call him N, because he will come up again) I changed, and I needed people who would accept me, and this group did. They were not the type of people my mother wanted me spending time with, and it honestly surprised most people, especially the people I was hanging out with, that someone like me was hanging out with that crowd. I was a 'good girl', I was raised to fit in, be good, be kind: I was a straight A student, swimming lessons, Girl Guides, piano lessons, school concert band, jazz band, french immersion, someone who volunteered, who did selfless acts, who loved helping people, becoming a lifeguard and swimming instructor when I was 16. Everyone knew me, everyone liked me, but I didn't feel like I belonged, I always felt I was masking parts of myself so people would like me, so that I would fit in. But this one group, these loners, the "pot heads", these guys who preferred to skip class and get high because they saw no point in going. They were blown away that someone like me was hanging out with them, and because of that I was able to be myself. They liked me no matter how weird I was, hell they liked me more because I was different. She-hulk was the nickname I got, after needing to prove I wasn't some delicate flower they had to be gentle around; that I could handle anything, that I was strong, that I wanted to be treated like just one of the guys. They accepted me, I became one of the guys, but still that girl that everyone wanted. They never pressured me to do anything I didn't want to do, never judged me, never made me feel I had to be anything but myself. I spent so much time with these guys in Jr. High, met so many people, people who didn't judge me for being different, people that changed me in so many ways... some that were there for a short while, like M, some who were there longer, like R, and some that are still in my life today, like K.