Understanding our general modes of behavior, or what our default modes are can be very helpful. They shine light on how we tend to react to situations as well as approach new situations.
Generally behaviors are split into three categories:
- Passive
- Agressive
- Assertive
- we can of course cook up the cocktail of passive aggressiveness
For now, let us just talk about being assertive, because that is the mode we want to aim for.
Assertiveness is not passive, nor is it aggressive. In other words it is not one to sit idly nor is it pushy.
Assertiveness is a sense of self confidence. It has clarity and directness.
Let us look at a few aspects of Assertiveness and then compare it with avoidance.
Assertive people:
- know what they want and communicate it well in a clear, bold yet non intimidating way
- know how to say no
- have confident body language- good posture, eye contact, cadence of speech
- handle conflict well by standing up for themselves and communicating their feelings
When someone is assertive they know how to navigate all sorts of human relationships and scenarios. They have the ability to confidently and clearly communicate what they are thinking, wanting and feeling.
As a parent, I see the clear need to coach my son to be assertive. Not pushy. Not passive. Assertive. To have high self esteem and confidence. To be willing to speak up about what he wants in a winsome way, and to stand up for himself and let people know when they have crossed certain boundaries and bothered him.
Being assertive is a sign of emotional intelligence as well. Assertive people have control of how they behave, and how their feelings and emotions affect their behavior. They also see things well from the other persons point of view and are able to take that into consideration as they communicate and negotiate with them. They don't let feelings of frustration pile up and affect them. They acknowledge them, confront them, interpret them and control them.
Avoiders
Avoiders on the other hand are passive. This might look humble and meek, but it is likely sign of low self esteem, lack of confidence, low emotional intelligence and lack of social skills. Rather than face and deal with tough situations they go out of their way to avoid the pain and difficulty that may occur.
When they are hurt, they do not say anything, but let the anger and frustration build up and go unspoken. While guarding the tongue is a trait of the wise, so is guarding the heart. Just because the tongue is silent does not mean the feelings are being dealt with in a healthy way. Rather than having a sensible discussion with the other party about how they have been made to feel, they let it build up.
This has several results:
They become emotionally unstable and imbalanced because they have yet to deal with the things that are bothering them. This is very damaging and rots their soul with hate and anger. They become very edgy, touchy, sensitive and even aggressive, ironic as that sounds.
They eventually have a blow up, and unfortunately they often take out their pain and frustration on someone other than the person they are angry with. Letting that embarrassment, anger and disappointment go un dealt with, they mull over it in their minds repeatedly. Replaying the scenario again and again, all the while the anger builds and that kettle begins to steadily steam until the blow up occurs. It is like a psychological pressure cooker. Ready to go off!
To be honest, we can often bounce back and forth in different seasons and situations between these modes of behavior. No one is perfect. Sometimes I am assertive, other times I avoid.
Learning to work on being assertive will help you be more adept at understanding your feelings and dealing with them in a mature and productive way. It will also help you be more successful and useful at work and in your relationships as your self confidence and esteem becomes stronger. You will be a better person, partner, parent, friend, neighbor and coworker.
It just takes attention and work.
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